girlofprey

And then I finished Bioshock 2. Which was also good, but...sort of unsatisfactory too. I don't know. I don't think I like karma systems in games. I mean, it's interesting, and it means you have more choice and it adds to replay value, obviously. But I just think at the moment the way games are set up it just messes with the writing - because in almost every one I've played with a karma system, the karma things you do - which WOULD be a big deal, and worth mentioning between well-written characters with well-written relationships - just don't get mentioned until the end, or mentioned in a barely passing way at the end of each quest. In Dishonoured you regularly just got a note from someone, even someone you shared housing with, if you did something nice, and a bit of extra gold. And in both Dishonoured and Bioshock 2, you got sidequests and extra characters who showed up and seemed important for karma choices, and then just never showed up again - because the writers couldn't include them in the later plot in case you'd killed them or let them die. Bioshock 2 probably did the karma thing better than most games, because from the things that got said I'm guessing a lot of the ending was different depending on which choices you'd made. But the main place I saw it done well really was in Fallout 3. Which is a role-playing game, where the point is that you get to choose who your character is, and you don't tend to have lots of involved converstations with the same characters. I don't know, I just feel like a lot of games are swinging towards that role-playing element so players feel more like they're playing the kind of character they want to play, rather than having specific, well-defined characters the players have to play, which is also a pretty good way to write (and play) videogames.

Also, in Bioshock 2 and Dishonoured, I have just played two games where the main character was male, and the main NPC female character was either a child or very much in a child position, whose personalities were massively influenced or completely defined by the choices their fathers/father figures made. Which was nice.

Anyway. I am kind of in a video game limbo state at the moment. I don't really know what to do with myself. My head says buy more video games. Or finish some of the ones I've already started. I started playing the first Portal game today. And, as far as I can tell, have nearly finished it. It is wicked. I can probably pick the second one up sometime this week if I finish it. Which will probably help with the limbo state thing. Also I kind of really want to play this game. Even though it looks disturbing as fuck. Maybe BECAUSE it looks disturbing as fuck.

Of course, a different part of my brain says maybe I should use this time to do some of the other things I kind of need to do. While I was on holiday the disability advisor woman from the Jobcentre called and asked me to call her back as soon as possible, which meant calling from Crete to basically say I couldn't talk to her. I tried calling back last week, and they said she was away, but had scheduled a telephone interview with me tomorrow at 11:10am. So that's happening tomorrow. I have no idea what she's going to say - it might be very short if I just have to tell her I've been kicked off ESA and am appealing, and she can't offer me any services in the meantime. I don't remember them calling me in or giving me a disability advisor the last time I appealed. So we'll see, I guess.

Also I need to fill in my appeal form. I need to fill it in and possibly have it back to them by next Monday. But I don't really know what to say. EVERYTHING'S WRONG, EXCEPT I'M A LITTLE BETTER THAN LAST YEAR, EXCEPT I DON'T THINK I'M READY TO WORK YET. Really. For some reason I've gotten stuck on the idea that they might not pay me if my form isn't good enough or convincing enough, which is probably not true, but still. And I can't really remember what I put on my last appeal form. Hmm.

Also it's my dad's birthday tomorrow. Also I need to organise that volunteering I've been meaning to do, and had to not go to in October. Also I need to catch up on Dallas. Since I'm pretty sure it's the last episode this week. And I have an appointment with my employment coach and with the dentist this week. It's a pretty full week really, all told.

I got my letter from the Jobcentre today, explaining why they'd stopped my ESA.

( Cut for...reasons )

And then on Emmerdale they ( Emmerdale spoilers ). Which I was expecting, since it was the 40th anniversary episode and they made a big deal about how someone was going to die, and it would be someone who was involved in 5 different storylines, which he was, and he's been acting like enough of a dick lately. But still. I didn't actually see most of the episode, I just caught the end, and I'd like to watch it just to see some of the scenes that came before it. But he's been on a downward spiral for months or years now, and even I was starting to lose interest in him. But still. End of an era. And it's making me think back to those early years when I really really loved him. Well. At least my OTP are both on the same side of the afterlife now, I guess.

I just went to look for something on Youtube, and oh my God it's hideous. Well done on continuously changing it and never making it any better, Google.

On the plus side, John Ross from Dallas is pretty, and I love Bioshock 2 and Dishonoured. I've gotten used to the not-killing-anyone thing now. Although still not to the fact that when I change games, the controls are almost completely the opposite.

I made it through my ESA assessment, anyway.

It was kind of gruelling as usual, but the woman doing the assessment was sort of nice, and mum was with me. I think it went okay, but it's a funny thing to think about really. Because if I was fine, I obviously wouldn't need an assessment, and if I seem fine they might decide I don't need benefits anymore. So, y'know. But there's not really much point worrying about that till I get the decision, I guess. It was weird though, because I asked the woman doing it about the review, and how I wasn't expecting to have to do an assessment until October, and she didn't know anything about a review and said this was nothing to do with that. So...I don't know what that was. Whether it was the review and she just didn't know about it, or whether it was just a sort of getting all the details/getting everything on file thing now that I'm actually on ESA. I don't know. I don't even know if the questionnaire I did a few weeks ago was for the review or for this assessment. But at the very least, if I DO have a review in October, I hope they won't ask to see me again, since I've already done a review recently. Fingers crossed.

In other news, I accidentally got into Dallas. New Dallas. I'M SORRY IF ANYONE IS UPSET OR THOUGHT I WAS BETTER THAN THAT. I'm not. There's a young guy who is handsome and has an evil father and is evil and maybe a bit insecure. GROUNDBREAKING FOR ME, I KNOW. But anyway. I'm planning to watch it on Channel 4, which will apparently take me 10 weeks. Hurrah. On the other hand, I looked up John Ross' early life from original Dallas last night. IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL. It's like a whole soap child biography, but I don't have to wait years for it to play out. Amazing.

Also I played through all of the Bertrand parts of Infamous 2. It's kind of terrible that I love him so much. But. His scenes with Cole are pretty much the best part of the game. Also he's pretty much the only character who gets to be a character all the way through the game, and not just be part of Cole's choices. Also he's a baddie who's actually bad, which is something this game doesn't always manage (wankily), and which I do appreciate. Also he has some of the best boots I've ever seen. Also I wish there was a fandom because I get the feeling I could shipwar with the Cole/Zeke fans. They would win on the relationship front, which is FINE. But I would win on the CHARACTERISATION OVER THE COURSE OF THE GAME THAT MAKES ANY SENSE front. And I think that's the front that would win.

And I started Bioshock. Which is about as brilliant as everyone says, and all the awards it got suggests. Which is nice because most of the games I've started lately have been huge disappointments. Yay. Also I bought Overlord, basically because I miss Dungeon Keeper. I MISS DUNGEON KEEPER SO MUCH.

And also, I thought I'd share some more vids from EvilVillainsStudio that I've liked. Mostly I think I like them because of the songs, but the editing and editing together of clips is really good as well. It's interesting, because some of the(made-up) pairings click with me more than others, and I can't tell if it's because of the editing (different sections seems to be made by different people), and because of the actual pairings/characters. It's fun either way though.

There is footage from new Who and Once Upon A Time in these videos. I can only apologise.

( A bunch of songvids/songs )

It's my sister's birthday tomorrow and my ESA assessment the day after that. Ughhh.

I've been replaying Infamous 2 lately, mostly because I'm still upset about the lack of Cole/Bertrand slash. Also the lack of any fandom at all for Infamous, as far as I can tell, so I can't even go look at it and pretend I might talk to people someday. ALSO THAT. Mostly I have figured out, or rediscovered, that the reason I probably find them so slashy is because- bizarrely - they keep Cole's dialogue the same for all his cutscenes whether you play him as good or evil. So they give you a lot of reasons in-game for why Cole might hate Bertrand in either case, but they don't actually talk about them ever, so it ends up seeming like Cole is just fixated on him for no good reason. As though he ends most of his cutscenes thinking "Bertrand. What's his deal, anyway?", and then staring moodily off into the distance, thinking about what IS his deal.

Also I relearned that Bertrand is despicable. Pretty much completely. BUT I DON'T CARE. Here the scene where Cole and Bertrand first meet, found on Youtube. The actual (short) conversation doesn't start till about 5:04, but if you care it's worth watching all of it just to see what Cole - and the player - has to do just to catch him. Also it's a Let's Play, so you do have deal with the player talking over it. But other than that.



( SPOILERS )

Also, in my ongoing obsession with Southern accents in videogames, I have noticed that the only accents that seem to get a reprieve are Texan accents, or other similarly 'cowboy'-ish ones. Apparently they are okay. Everyone else = evil.

Also I've learned that I really do quite like Kuo and Nix. It's a shame the game is so racist is about them. It's a shame the game is so racist. Note: Infamous 2 is in many ways a terrible game. You shouldn't buy it. Sadly I already bought it and sort of love the gameplay, graphics and a bunch of the characters. Also the music. But I do not really recommend anyone else get into it.


But anyway. In non-Infamous 2 related news, I also went to the cinema this week. I was trying to see Ted before it goes out of cinemas, but the next showing of it was too late for me, so I went to see The Watch instead. I'd sort of wanted to see it because of Vince Vaughn and Richard Ayoade, and I quite like the sound of the plot. But I'd heard it was pretty terrible. And it was...pretty terrible. It had some nice moments and some quite funny lines, but so much of it just seemed like dreadful, immature and not that funny adlibbing. Apparently it was quite affected by the Trayvon Martin shooting, which made the screenwriters rewrite a bit so it was more about the alien plotline than the overzealous Neighbourhood Watch antics. Which was probably the right decision, but you can see how it might have affected the story. But on the other hand, they still ended up making a finished film, and that finished film was this one. And, unfortunately, it was also racially sort of appalling.

( The ways in which it was racially appalling, some massive spoilers, also some general spoilery talk about it )

So yeah. It was a weird film. Vince Vaughn had some lovely moments though. I KNOW HE'S NOT THE MOST RESPECTED ACTOR OUT THERE, BUT I JUST THINK HE'S SO BEAUTIFUL WHEN HE'S SERIOUS. I want to make GIFS of how his eyes move. He was best in The Cell. He doesn't seem to make films like that anymore. Sadly.

I did see some trailers though. Judge Dredd looks wicked. I don't know why his female trainee has to fight in gunfights without a helmet though. Perhaps they explain it in the film.


Other than that, last week on Tumblr I was searching through a tag, and I found a video that led me to a Youtube account, which seems to deal exclusively in making multifandom songvids for villains. It's called EvilVillainsStudio. Mostly they do bad guys, and a series of same-fandom and cross-fandom pairings for them. It's a little bit like some is making Youtube vids just for me. So I have been watching my way through their videos for the past week or so. A lot of them are really good. This one I watched last night for example, called Sail, which seems to be about what it's like to be a villain and kind of a badass. It does have a lot of quick-cutting of clips, and effects that deliberately make the clips look the wrong colour, or more grainy or scratchy than they are, which is annoying, though I assume it's to cover up the various sources being used, and their filming styles. It's still good though. And if you can ignore a few rubbishy Doctor Who clips, so can I.



I think that's it mostly. Also I've been watching more Poltergeist: The Legacy, which continues ridiculous. I genuinely think it got a bit better in the middle, but we're at the end of Season 1 now, so it's all got a bit more ridiculous and Derek-filled. Also it's my sister's birthday tomorrow. Arrrrrrgh.

Hello. I did actually come back from the Nottingham Riverside Festival. Do you want to hear about my TMI adventures? YOU KNOW YOU DO. ( My TMI adventures )

Since then I have mostly been freaking out over or working on my ESA assessment questionnaire, which the DWP or ATOS or whoever needs back by next Tuesday. But I discussed it with my counsellor, and then discussed it and did most of it yesterday during/after an appointment with my employment coach. Well, I did all of it really, because I thought I had a bit of extra space at the end to finish an answer, but that turned out to be a space for a completely different question, so I sort of had to stop short. I'm worrying that I wasted my space with stuff that was less relevant than the stuff I didn't get to put in, but I read back over my questionnaire and I'd put some of that stuff in answers to other questions. And I only had so much space. And if they want me to go into more detail, they call me for another assessment, I'm sure. Even though I massively hope that doesn't happen. But anyway, I put down everything I could think of that was most relevant, and that's all I can do really. So I signed it and posted it off this morning, and at least it's done now.

And now tomorrow, my parents are going away with my two oldest nephews. So I'll be in the house on my own/looking after the house on my own. Usually I massively enjoy that though. It literally just occured to me that my sister might decide that it would be a great opportunity to come visit me though, since she lives just up the hill now. I sincerely hope that doesn't happen. Although she'd probably bring the baby. I can just talk to the baby if she comes over. Maybe.

( Benefits screaming )

But other than that, though, I did have a really lovely weekend at Jen's. Hurrah.

So. I had an interesting day today. At some point last night, I went from being in a good mood to being in an irritated mood, and that sort of carried on into today. I'm still not sure if that was about Dead Space being difficult again. It might well be my hormones. But anyway, it happened.

This morning I was woken up by my counselling service calling me to say, for the third week in a row, that my counsellor was ill so I wouldn't be able to see her. They also said that it was a bank holiday next week, so it would be four weeks I'd be going without seeing her. I pointed out that actually, it had alreay been four weeks, because she was on leave the week before she got ill. And I really like my counselling service, and my counsellor, but it's not even the first time she's had to cancel sessions, or multiple sessions, because she was ill. It's not like I can really be angry about it, I can't exactly ban her from being ill. But six weeks in a row, and they didn't even notice I hadn't been/wasn't going to be seen in that long? It's not exactly brilliant service. And it wouldn't be so bad, but they never call to say she's off until the morning of my appointment, I guess because they don't want to cancel pre-emptively in case people get better. But when you've planned your day around it, and you don't like last minute changes - and it happens three weeks in a row - it starts to make you a little bit angry.

Anyway, when I said that they asked if I wanted to see someone else, this week, and I said yes. It's sort of just bad timing to have no counselling anyway, with all the stuff going on with mum being away and grandma being ill. So they asked if I'd be available Friday, and I said yes, and they went off to arrange it. Then they called me back to say someone was available today at 4 o'clock, would that be suitable? And I said yes. But because I didn't have much sleep yesterday because I was getting up early, and because I went to bed late last night, and because I kept getting woken up to take phonecalls, I was exhausted and kept sleeping through all the times I wanted to get up. So I ended up getting up really late, only having the time to get ready to go out and no time to have lunch or anything, and then I left the house at 3, only to see the 3.05 bus which stops at the end of our street, whizz by. So I had to walk into town to get another one any sooner than just before I was supposed to be at my appointment. On the way, I was literally irritated with the clouds and the sun, because they were taking it in turns to be either kind of cold, or boiling hot. I got to the bus stop, and texted to see when the next bus was, and that was a few minutes late. And it was packed. I had to sit in a priority seat, and an old man with a walking stick walked past me before I realised and had a chance to offer him my seat. I think someone else offered him theirs.

So I was late anyway. But it was alright in the end, it was nice to actually see someone and get some things off my chest. A family situation that I completely forgot I hadn't already mentioned on LJ is that my sister is moving house, to somewhere really quite close to our house. Essentially my parents and I live at the bottom of a hill, and she is going to be living up the hill. It is literally going to be a downhill walk from her house to ours, and an uphill walk from our house back up to hers. And I kind of don't necessarily think it's going to mean she'll be round at our house anymore than she usually is, she still doesn't really bother getting ready until the afternoon and doesn't tend to go out when she doesn't need to, and she always had the option of getting mum or dad to come get her if she really wanted to come to ours. But the possibility is still freaking me out a bit. And she's still going to be closer. I sort of don't feel like I can resent her getting this new house, because she does need more space with three kids, and it's in a quiet cul-de-sac instead of next to a road where cars go whizzing by all the time, in between a load of little nature walks and patches of grass and things. But I really wish the new house was somewhere else. So that's been bugging me a bit, lately, I think. She's been trying to get a new house for a while, but she kept not accepting some or not getting certain bids. Then she got this one, but it wasn't set in stone for a month or so. But now, her lease pretty much started yesterday. So it's pretty definite at this point. Again, I don't know if it will necessarily mean her coming down here more. I hope not. But it's just worrying me slightly lately.

Anyway. So, I finally had my appointment, and it was alright, and I managed to get back home a bit earlier than I usually do. We discussed the possibility of me maybe changing to a different counsellor, because she really has been ill a lot, but I'm not asking just yet. It would mean starting all over again with someone new, and again, it's not like I can be angry with my counsellor for being ill. But if it happens again, I'm really going to consider it, because this is just - a little bit ridiculous, and not that doable for me, really, in the long run.

Anyway. My main plan for the rest of the week is to take it easy a bit. I think maybe going to my two courses last week, and then going out to buy a new CD player, and then going out to see my grandma on Saturday might have been a bit of a drain for me. I have a course tomorrow, but it's one I can skip, so I'm planning to. I still have to go out at some point this week though, because - contrary to what my doctor told me - I got a letter from the DWP saying me sick note was about to run out, and I needed a new one even though I'd won my ESA appeal. I called the doctors' to make an appointment, and after they basically said there weren't many available, I explained what I needed, they said if it was just a continuation they could just get a new sick note written out for me, and I could just pick it up from the front desk. Which is new. But nicely hassle-free. But I still need to go pick it up so I can send it. And I also need a new prescription for Mefenamic Acid, and if my current irritation really is because of my hormones, I probably need that doing pretty soon. But other than that, I am planning to be free and easy.

I won my appeal.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

It was not as bad as I was expecting it to be, the doctor and the judge were both really nice. They did focus on the questions in the DWP assessment, but also asked general questions to see if they could make my general problems "fit into the law". Which they did. I sort of only just got through - you need 15 points to qualify, and I got 15 points. And there is a bit on the documents they gave me saying that the Tribunal doesn't really have any legal power, and that the DWP can appeal the decision and suspend my payments if they want to. Which my mum and I are both quietly worrying about. But I'm assuming that's just something that's possible, that they have to put on there, and which isn't usually the case.

And I got my ESA. All my crying this weekend has not been in vain!

So. I've had an interesting few days. After all my appointments last week I was tired, and going out to the cinema over the weekend appeared to have pushed me too hard, because I was still exhausted on Monday night, and stressing out over a personal statement for a job application that I hadn't edited. I was supposed to be meeting my employment coach on Tuesday after my jewellery course and before my counselling session. But I just felt so tired I didn't feel like I could go out at all on physically exhausted that I really didn't feel like I could go out at all on Tuesday. So I decided not to and just cancelled all my appointments. It was alright though, I emailed my employment coach and explained, and she said it was fine, and that the basic personal statement I'd already written before would probably do for the job application, so she filled it out and sent it off for me (with my permission), which I thought was still better than not applying at all. It's the type of work I've done before and local and the kind of hours I'm looking for, so it seemed like a shame not to. And my counseller ('s colleagues) actually called ME on Tuesday morning to say she was ill so wouldn't be able to make it to our appointment. And the jewellery course people didn't seem to have a problem. So it was all fine.

It did feel a little weird, but I do sort of feel like putting a stop to it and just not going out was a lot better than forcing myself to go, which is the type of thing I might have done before. And I went out to my Confidence Course today, and am planning to go to all my appointments as usual next week. Also, having thought about it and had some other 'symptoms', I've realised it's probably about four or six weeks since my last period, so my hormones probably have something to do with it. As well as going out to slightly too many things. Hmph. But anyway. I'm hoping to be back on track for next week.

In Saints Row 2 news, [spoiler] is still [spoiler]. Even if [spoiler] does still [spoiler] sometimes. I still love all my cars. And am not entirely willing to give any of them up to get new unlockable ones. Except that there are some that I am probably just never going to look at or use, so I probably will at some point. And people are still picking on me when I wear the same clothes too many days in a row. Or a particular piece of clothing one too many times. When I have sometimes spent HALF AN HOUR or something making that piece of clothing, and have to then try to make it again or throw it out. Hmph. I still kind of love it though. Even if I sort of feel like loading a save from before the end of the game, and having the story go on FOREVER. I have won slightly too many really really hard minigames and done too many things to my cars and clothes to actually do that though.

And in Skyrim, I appear to be weirdly close to finishing the main quest. I sort of had an idea, from the name of bits of the quest and some of the content, but still. I have no idea how long I have devoted to the actual main quest, but it still seems weirdly quick compared to some of the other Elder Scrolls games. I mean, when I played Morrowind - the graphics and character interactions were nowhere near as good as they are in Skyrim, and I did do a weird thing of abandoning it because I was scared of getting killed, and then finding a walkthrough and a cheat to turn on God Mode - but I still remember the main quest going on for ages, and being really really brilliant and detailed. And if the Skyrim quest ends here then it's really nowhere near the same amount of content, from what I can remember. Maybe I'm wrong though. Maybe there will be a twist and there will be more to it, and more stuff after it. We'll see. I'm almost all the way through my backlog of quests, and going through some incredibly creepy Daedric quests at the moment. Also, ( Vague non-spoiler ). Hmph.

In other news...blargh. I have been watching Whitechapel. I love Whitechapel. AND I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW ANYONE COULD SHIP CHANDLER/KENT WHEN CHANDLER/MILES IS RIGHT THERE, RIGHT THERE. But whatever. And I have been on Tumblr. I have many issues with Tumblr, and I have just had to Unfollow a girl who was kind of angry and oversharey and reblogged upsetting things a lot, even though I found her blog quite funny and it introduced me to a bunch of fandoms/memes I'd never heard of. Which was kind of a shame. But mostly Tumblr provides me with daily pictures of wolves, and doodly art, and cakes. Which is lovely. Also you sometimes get links to things, like Two Best Friends Play, who even though I've never played Assassin's Creed, still sort of kill me. Not as much as 666theheartless666 though. Beautiful 666theheartless666 (easier to type than to say), who came back recently, HURRAH.

Although sadly Tumblr is full of Sherlock, and I still mostly hate Sherlock, except that I never actually got round (so far) to watching the second series, so that I don't even feel able to judge Sherlock properly. MAYBE SERIES TWO WAS REALLY GOOD AND THEIR LOVE WAS TRUE. I just don't know.

Blah. I'm probably going to watch Poltergeist: The Legacy series 1 at some point, because I have the DVDs, and because Nick. I DON'T KNOW. Maybe.

Also, I keep forgetting, but I did finally get sent a date for my ESA hearing. It's at the end of April. So that's coming up. Great.

Today I:

• Watched some of the snooker and fell slightly in love with Dominic Dale. I'M SORRY JUDD TRUMP. I try so hard to support you. But I just never do. He was very good again by the end though.
  
  I have a slightly odd relationship with snooker. I really enjoy it, but my actual commitment to watching matches is sort of...in and out. But then there are particular players to whom I seem to have the same reaction as in this Hark! A Vagrant strip. Except not sexual. Mostly. In any case, previously this has only really been John Higgins. But today Dominic Dale sort of joined those ranks. Well done to him. I wish he had won his match.



• Having seen quite a lot of videogame art on Tumblr and having recently fell in love with (though still not finished) the game Wet, I decided to search for 'wet' on Tumblr. I won't be doing that again.



• I was going to call my doctor and arrange an appointment before my current sick note runs out again, but I checked it today and apparently I'm good until the 28th. And the last I remember, you can only make appointments at my doctor's surgery for the following week, unless I'm very much mistaken. So I don't really know what to do about it now. I decided to not call today and maybe try going in and asking about it tomorrow, or some other time.



• I got my mum to go and put various bits of cash I had stashed around the house into my bank account, so I can actually buy some things. Like tickets for my trip to London this weekend. Hurrah!