girlofprey

Hello.

I've been meaning to make a post about about why I really like Red Dead Redemption 2, which is mostly the story, pretty much, so that whenever something new happens that sends me into an emotional spasm, I can just blargh about it without having to explain the whole backstory and why IT IS MEANINGFUL. But by the time I really got into the story, there was already a lot to say and I didn't know where to start, and there was always just the opportunity to play more Red Dead and not harass my flist with a story they're not involved in and don't care about, so then I just didn't, and I still haven't done it.

I'm in a strange place with Red Dead. I'm still playing it multiple hours of the day, and I think about it when I'm not playing it, but I still can't really say I purely enjoy it when I am playing it. Mostly I am nowadays, but sometimes a thing will happen, that undoes a bunch of progress I made on something and I think wasn't really my fault, or that pulls me out of the game world and just seems like Rockstar saying "hey - look at our game", and ugh. And the story - I really like the story, but I don't know where it's going. If it's just about how our (great) main character isn't really in a good situation with his outlaw gang and they don't really love him, or just 'look, the time of outlaws is coming to an end, ISN'T IT SAD', I'm...not going to find that very interesting. I JUST WANT THEM ALL TO LOVE EACH OTHER AND BE HAPPY. That is probably not how this is going to go. But who knows?

Also, at the moment, all I really want to talk about or think about is Red Dead Redemption, but I also don't want to be spoilered for it, so I avoid all discussions about it. Especially those online. We've gotten to the point now where people clearing feel okay spoiling it, or semi-spoiling it, saying weird things that don't really tell you what is going to happen, but that something is going to happen - which isn't very helpful. I more or less just have to avoid the whole internet that might be talking about it, especially the websites who just want to put up articles to get clicks and attention by making things sound VERY INTERESTING AND/OR DIRE. Which has left me with a bunch of semi-spoilers I don't know how to feel about. Like, I get that people want to talk about the game, because obviously I do, but - shut up? For a few more weeks? Or don't submit your articles about it to general news sites, just let people search for them if they want to? Examples include: ( Cut because is it a spoiler? I don't know. I didn't want to hear it )

And so I did do a couple of story missions this weekend, but not that many, and basically a bunch of depressing things happened in a row. I JUST WANT THE OUTLAWS TO LOVE EACH OTHER AND BE HAPPY. It's possible that's not what the game wants. It's a statement on America.

I still don't have enough horse spaces. I know four is a lot for an outlaw cowboy, BUT STILL. They make a big deal about all the horse breeds, and the 'rare coats' of each horse breed, and sometimes the only way to unlock information about a breed seems to be to buy it from a stable, which you can only do if you have room in your own 'livery' for it, and it's so easy to fall in love with your horse and end up with unique stories about it if you really care about getting immersed in the game and the 'story' you end up making with it, and then you just have to sell your horse if you ever want another one. I'm willing to bet Rockstar will sell you more stable space down the line. Or in Red Dead Online. But for now I just have to choose between the horses. And sometimes the only horse they offer me of a particular breed is a boy horse - THE THING I WANT THE LEAST, even though boy horses are fine really. Still it would be nice to have more of a choice. It sucks. It all sucks. I love the horses.

Work has been...eh. When I first got back, I thought it was fine, and then as they days went on I started to identify more and more of the things which stressed me out or annoy me about it. Like the cleaner I'm pretty sure has a crush on me. Who has been hilariously trying to 'sneak up' on me every time he comes in for work for about six months now. It was kind of funny to begin with, but still not that funny. I thought he would get bored of it if I just humoured him. He did not. He actually genuinely made me jump twice, but he said he wanted to do it 'three times', so that still wasn't enough, and he just kept going, and yes. I have been ignoring him when he does it for the last week or so. Also occasionally when we talk he makes 'hilarious' comments about women - he heard me humming 'Donna e Mobile' once and recognised it, and I told him that the lyrics literally mean 'women are liars, women are demons' or something, and he said "I think women are demons. Because when a man is unhappy, the relationship continues. When the women is unhappy, the relationship ends". I didn't really know what to say to that. Or what to say to any of that if he says anything like it again. I have been ignoring him more lately. I am not there to be his entertainment.

I also ended up speaking to my boss this Friday about the car park thing, because I really think it's unfair that I'm doing all the same stuff/car park stuff as I did when I started, but also doing way more and answering all the policy-related emails about it as well. And not getting paid anymore. I genuinely think I'm doing more than the morning women, but then that's not really fair when I don't know what they're doing, or if things are busier in the mornings. I only know that C barely does anything with the car park except assign visitor spaces, and any complicated emails seem to get left in the inbox for me. My manager said that he thinks they talk to more people about policy and the car park throughout the day, and it's only later on that they get the emails, and emails get left for me. But he might have just been trying to head me off at the pass from asking for a raise or something. But anyway, we discussed it, and he agreed to start answering those complicated emails himself, if I forward them to him. Which I thought we had agreed he would do a few weeks ago when I cried at work, but apparently that's not what he meant. But now he is going to do it. The week after this one, when he comes back from holiday. I don't think it's fair that I have become the car park manager. I didn't agree to that when I interviewed for the job.

And I also got back in touch with the employment support officer from my mental health organisation. Or rather, I asked my counsellor to ask the man to call again, and he did, and we met up. It was a pain, because it turned out we could only really do last Tuesday, which meant I had to get up early - and I'd already gotten up early the day before for a long shift at work to cover someone else who has off. But I managed it. I took him my CV, and discussed my current situation - he also agreed that all the extra responsibility I'd been given at work with no extra money was a bit much - and he said he can help me rewrite my CV, and keep an eye out for online jobs that would might suit me, and help in general. I don't know if that means I'll ever see him face-to-face again, but we'll see. I haven't emailed him my CV yet, but I will now. And it does feel good in general to feel like I'm moving on a bit with my work situation. I need full-time work. Or at least to try it out right now, and see if that situation's any better for me. And I need to see what's out there. This job blows.

Last night my computer wouldn't let me shut it down, because apparently Avast Antivirus was updating itself. It wouldn't let me shut it down for two hours. It specifically said 'do not shut down your computer!' on the shutdown screen, but there was no evidence in the Avast programme that any updating was happening, and it was 4 in the morning and my computer is incredibly loud (compared to silence) when it's on and my keyboard and mouse are both BRIGHTLY LIT UP, so finally I had to force it to shut down anyway. I have no idea if it will do the same again tonight when I try to shut it down, or if I have ruined my ability to be protected from viruses forever. I just don't know.

I have my new Spiderman PS4 Pro, and I have been setting it up which includes transferring my 2tb hard drive I put into my old PS4 into the new PS4 Pro, and I am bricking it. Have I ruined my console and essentially turned it into an incredibly expensive paperweight? Have I accidentally put the 1TB hard drive it already had back into it, instead of the new 2TB one, so I have to do it all over again? I wonder.

Today I am installing drivers for some of my computer parts. So far, I've had to make a special effort not to let my motherboard install Google Chrome, or Norton Internet Security.

I had a look at the drivers for my monitor, and there was a section where they let you adjust and check the settings, and the part about making sure you have 'crisp, clear images' had an image for what the 'correct' display should be, which did not match what it said my display was doing. But it would not let me change it. Or give me a 'Preferred' button on the screen when it said I should definitely make sure the 'Preferred' button was selected. So there you go. But maybe things will change when I've done the graphics card, maybe that will let me do something. I did to be fair watch a trailer for a game on Steam last night, and that was really clear and beautiful and smooth, so maybe it's just the desktop that's ugly as fuck.

I'm a little concerned that when I look at my hard drives I can only see the SSD I installed, because the guy at my games shop recommended I only get a 250gb SSD, and then a 2TB hard drive as well, since the hard drive's much slower but it doesn't really matter when it just comes to installing and booting up most games. When I first turned the computer on, it had a BIOS screen that showed all of the components that were connected to the computer, and the 2TB hard drive was definitely in there. But I can't seem to see it in any of the software, or install anything to it. And I don't think 250GB is going to last me very long. I may have to go back and ask the games guy about it if I can't figure it out.

I still feel weird and ill, but better, so I'm going back to work tomorrow. Unfortunately, as I've been getting better I've been sleeping worse - just because generally as you get towards the end of a cold, coughing is less effective, so you end up doing it more. Also I woke up soaked in sweat last night, for reasons I don't quite understand? But I still do feel more human, so it's probably time to start earning money again. Also, I've even stopped bleeding, hurray! We seem to have settled in to only 3/4 of the month.

My computer is just sort of beautiful and frustrating at the moment. My dad has ordered an ethernet extender, which is how I'm going to get internet, and I can't really completely set it up till then. But I could set up a few things, like getting the tower into a decent, out of the way place, plugging in my keyboard, getting a basic version of Windows installed from a boot disk. But that would mean my computer would be set up on the desk, and at the moment it has enough space for me to use my netbook on here. If I set it up, maybe it wouldn't have, and maybe I couldn't use it at the desk, with like, a chair, and with it plugged in so it's running nice and fast. So at the moment I'm just sort of constantly thinking 'I can do that with the computer, I can get that done at least', but then not actually doing that, so yes. Frustrating. Mostly I just want to keep switching it on so I can see the LEDs working. Also I plugged my screen into the HDMI port on my £400 graphics card, and it totally worked, that was pretty sweet.

Jen, I am sorry for the above glimpse into your horrifying future, and also for everything.

Computer reconnected, hooked up, and switched on :)

I was so happy when all the lights came on. Then dad noticed as well as the cosmetic lights of the motherboard, there was one that was on in a funny place. I, in denial, was like "it'll be fine!", but we were worried it was the CPU. Which would be the hardest part to get out and replace, frankly. But then we switched it on so dad could take a picture, and I noticed the CPU light did light up, but then immediately went to the next light and stayed on. So it was actually the memory sticks with a problem. One of them had come loose in our tribulations earlier, I'd noticed, so dad pushed it again and it hadn't quite been clicked in properly. Then we turned the computer off and on again, and all the lights came on in sequence, up to Boot Device. I unpacked and hooked up my new monitor, and there it was. My computer, sending signals, telling me all about the CPU temperature, and showing it could see my hard drive and the memory sticks.

I'M REALLY HAPPY. Me and dad were both tired, so we left it there and we're going to look into hooking up the keyboard and getting Windows on it tomorrow. But I am excite! Dad's left the side panels off the computer, which makes me concerned dust will get in. But we left them off yesterday and it was fine. Also, I don't seem to have the right cable to hook my monitor up to the graphics card, so I can't actually use that at the moment. But I can probably buy one. I've got work tomorrow, but I also have an external cd drive, and a bunch of cd-roms with my various parts talking about being 'Windows ready', so hopefully tomorrow we can switch it on and I can see about getting on operating system on there. And then actual stuff! AKsHFLhDAHJDLKHFLK.

I am very happy. Also the Green Lantern movie from 2011 wasn't as bad as everyone said.

The computer's all hooked up. But I have no idea if it works or how it works, because my dad's still busy 'tidying' the cables. Even though you can take the side off and do that whenever you like. Also, there's a lovely plate for the motherboard that tells you what all the sockets are for, but my dad thinks you have to take the motherboard out to put it in, and even though I've been picking the thing up and putting it down for the past two days and saying 'this is here', he 'didn't see it'. Grrr.

I just spent 40 minutes trying to download a Windows 10 installation file to hopefully use on my new PC tomorrow, with my netbook struggling to load everything and unable to use a mouse because I only have one USB port and I needed it for the flash drive - figuring out the download tool, deciding which edition of Windows I wanted, researching my CPU to see whether I needed a 32-bit or 64-bit version - only for the download tool to repeatedly tell me I didn't have a flash drive attached to my computer, when I did, I could see it.

alskdjsalkfjaskdlvmnmd.

Also my MN spent quite a lot of today calling us all fat pigs and telling us he was going to kill everyone of us, merry Christmas.

They finally delivered my PSU today. And, because apparently they're actually champions, they packed in with it the external CD drive that I literally ordered yesterday.

So now I have all the parts, and just need to figure out when, where and how I'm going to put them all together. And how to use the OEM key I bought for Windows 10. Also I really need to clear up and tidy my room a little bit, especially the desk. But then, hopefully, eventually, computer. Hurrah!

I remembered that it was Christmas NEXT WEEK a few days ago, and after getting a mild flood of adrenaline every time I thought about it, I made sure to go Christmas shopping today. I now have my YN's present and something for the cat - so I only have to buy my ON's present, which should be easy to get, maybe some more wrapping paper because my mum's lightbox is in fact huge, and maybe some Christmas chocolate or decorations or something, if I feel like it. I bought holly fairy lights earlier in the week. I am v satisfied with the decision. Also I realised today I spent more on my cat than any of my nephews or my sister. But, you know. The cat has to live in a garage a lot of the time. So I think it evens out.

I had a dream about the apocalypse last night. Well, first I had a dream about a storm that literally ripped apart most of my home town. Then I had a dream about a proper, everything destroyed, deer and lions in my garden apocalypse, and told my dad (in the dream) "I had a dream about this last night". I think it's from reading the comments in too many posts about the state of American politics at the moment. Although the actual posts are becoming no better - yesterday on ontd_political there was a post by someone saying there was no 100% conclusive proof that Russia was involved in swaying the election, so we shouldn't act like they might have until there was 100% conclusive proof, and the CIA were always lying, and I didn't understand it at all. Until I got to a paragraph about how "anyone who had opposed the smooth, self-entitled rise to power of Hillary Clinton is now accused of being in line with the Ruskies", and I understood what it was actually about.

By the way, can't really explain how furious them calling Hillary Clinton's bid 'self-entitled', when American politics is dominated by men and she has literally been hounded by the Republican press for years, actually makes me. People still say awful things about Hillary Clinton, and I worry sometimes that I'm eventually going to get Truth Delusioned into believing them. But for now I still take inspiration from her.

Anyway. I did end up getting a little stressed out by the overtime last week, although some of that was just about buying so many parts for my computer, and feeling like I had to rush into buying my mum's present so I could hide it within those packages. It totally worked though, because she ended up taking the delivery including her gift, and had no idea about it. As for the PC - I'm in a funny sort of waiting game right now. When I went to buy the PSU I'd been recommended it was out of stock, and Amazon were like "buy it now, we'll send it when it's back in stock". So I did. And now it's been back in stock for more than a few days, and I haven't received any sort of email saying they're sending it to me. Meanwhile, they're promising anyone who orders one now that they can have it the next day, if they choose express delivery! Hmm, Amazon. I'll probably send them an email if this continues. The PSU being the power supply for the computer, it is a pretty important part. And I can't really check if any of the other parts I've bought are faulty or super or whatever till I build the entire thing. But apart from that I've got everything else I need. Apart from an OEM version of Windows I've been recommended by my games shop guy, and - since most of those I've seen are on disc, and nowhere does it suggest the computer I'm currently building has a CD-ROM, a plug-in CD-ROM. I have no idea when I'm going to build it, though. Certainly not before the PSU comes.

Other than that though, yesterday was pretty productive. I took some stuff to the charity shop, finally, and picked up some wrapping paper and a card for my YN's birthday tomorrow, and even managed to pick up my MN and sister's presents. I also got an idea for what to buy my dad this week, and I can pick up my ON's present in Leeds when I'm there for work, which only leaves my YN's Christmas present, and I'm told he loves Paw Patrol. And I'm looking forward to going back to my regular hours next week, and I have the Last Guardian and Trico's amazing, and generally everything's going quite swimmingly at the moment. I am bleeding again though. Which is kind of annoying.

Anyway. Speaking of female artists I used to love and then forgot about, do you remember when we learned to Hit Em Up Style?



I don't really love this music video like I do the last one, but I do love the song.

My dad is genuinely in a mood with me because I started buying parts for my new PC build, and didn't consult with him or get his approval first. For real.

I called the Tax Credits place today, just to double-check about my form. The lady said as far as she could see from looking at it, they didn't have me down as having been on income-related Jobseeker's, which is a relief. The part of me that still worries keeps thinking maybe I got confused when I was deciding whether I qualified for the Disability aspect - but I always understood the concept of being on the taxable Jobseeker's, even if I got the terms mixed up, so I don't think I would have. The woman said that a lot of their decisions are based on 'faith' and not actually looking into your circumstances. But I feel like I've done pretty much everything I possibly can at this point to check if I made a mistake, and everything suggests that I didn't. However - one thing the woman said they didn't have was my projected taxable income for the rest of this year. This was something my Job Advisor said I'd need to do the Tax Credits calculator thing online, to see if I qualified, and it never asked me for it. And when I filled in the form it didn't ask me for it. But the woman on the phone said they'd need it, and it would affect my awarded payment, and if they didn't have it and they overpaid me they'd have to take the money back somehow. I don't think she meant sending the bailiffs round, just paying out less in the future, but still. So I gave it to her, including the taxable Jobseeker's Allowance I received this year. She said it would affect my payments, and I'd get a new awards letter sent out. It's all the same to me, I wouldn't have even thought about tax credits if it wasn't for my Job Advisor, and my new wage is enough for me. But it all seems like it's in a bit of a shambles at the moment.

I hope "even our very worst, most despicable politicians still hate Nigel Farage" is a top news story every day.