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Apr. 21st, 2012 10:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
girlofpreyMy ESA hearing is on Monday. I've basically been trying not to think about it. Or successfully subconsciously convincing myself it's not really happening. Whichever. In a lot of ways, I have actually not been trying to prepare for it, because I have been - and largely still am - convinced I'm not going to get it, just because they gave me a zero when I first did the assessment, and because of the state of the benefits system at the moment. So it seems like no matter what my problems are, they will not necessarily be the deciding factor in whether or not I get the benefit, in which case it would be a waste of energy and an emotional drain I don't need to prepare for something which might not be affected by any preparation I do.
But the fact is I am going - although I always have the option of not going, if I get too wound up about it, but I've pretty much decided I am - and they're going to ask me questions, and it's going to be in my interest if I can at least answer them. And my counsellor seems convinced that I can actually win the appeal, and that I should win the appeal, and that it's obvious to her that I can't work. We did some sort of preparation in my last counselling session. But she also seemed to think that the whole process wouldn't be as based on the questions in the assessment I did last year as the assessment itself was. Whereas I finally got round to contacting a local organisation that helps people with disabilities, and they sent me some information about appeals, and it sounds like it will be completely based on the questions from the original assessment. Also, that it will be based on what my mental health problems were like at the time, rather than how they are now, which will be weird. Given that that was about a year ago. There will be a part at the end for me to make a general statement about my problems and why I think I should get the benefit and stuff, but I can't actually remember if there wasn't a chance for me to make a statement like that last year. And it didn't change much, if I did. So. I don't know.
It's just messing me up a little bit, because I know I have to explain my problems and justify why I think I should get the benefit, but the fact that I suddenly have to describe my problems as PROBLEMS, instead of just normal parts of my life that I have to do to get things done - I don't know, I'm just worried is going to make me really aware of them again, or start questioning them, and start messing up my routine and ways of doing things. On top of all the anxiety I'm going through just from the fact that I have to go to the appeal at all. And if they're asking the same questions again, then it's hard to see how I'm going to have different answers - because I could do all the things they asked if I could, like get to unknown locations on my own and learn new tasks. It's just how long it took me to do it, and whether I could do it over and over again - you know, like in a steady job - without having any problems.
I don't know. I know a bit more about it now, at least. My counsellor has advised that I take someone with me, and my mum's coming, so she can maybe answer questions about what I'm like at home and what my problems are. I don't actually know if she'll be able to come into the hearing with me, I haven't announced that she's coming, but I'm taking her. And the information I got from the other organisation suggests that there'll only be two people on the panel, a doctor and a judge. Mostly I just need to prepare, and at the moment I feel like preparing by watching 666theheartless666 videos and not thinking about it. Which might not work.
It's just annoying, because as part of the preparation I was doing, with my counsellor and with my employment coach, they asked me (in the style of a judge) how my OCD affects me on a day-to-day basis, and I started talking about HOW MANY things it affects, they both got kind of wide-eyed, and asked me if my doctor knew anything about how difficult I was finding my OCD, and if anyone was helping me out with that, as well as with counselling. So it sounds like I pretty much do have problems, from the perspective of people who don't have OCD, but I'm left feeling like that still might not be enough to get me the benefit to support me with getting back to work. Which is my actual plan, you know. DWP.
Fuck it. My plan is basically to go in and talk about how bad things are at their worst for me with my OCD. And maybe look a little bit angry with the whole process. Which I am. At least I know the questions now, if they really are just going to talk about them at the hearing. The thing is, I know it won't actually be the end of the world if I don't get ESA. But it basically means that I'll either be thrust into a world without benefits, where I won't have pretty much any money, to go and do things I enjoy. Or, I will have to go on Jobseeker's, and suddenly have a much higher workload than I do right now, having to do three applications or phonecalls a week for jobs, instead of one or two a month, and having to go see someone every couple of weeks to explain how well or badly my job-hunting is going. An appointment which may or may not get in the way of courses I want to do or brief trips I want to take, because as far as I know I can't change the appointment time, or miss one without having to take 'holiday time', which means I won't get any money, and which I only have a limited amount of per year.
Or I could appeal for my ESA again. Which someone on my jewellery course pointed out last month. Which is extremely tempting. But does mean I'd have to go through this whole thing all over again.
But the fact is I am going - although I always have the option of not going, if I get too wound up about it, but I've pretty much decided I am - and they're going to ask me questions, and it's going to be in my interest if I can at least answer them. And my counsellor seems convinced that I can actually win the appeal, and that I should win the appeal, and that it's obvious to her that I can't work. We did some sort of preparation in my last counselling session. But she also seemed to think that the whole process wouldn't be as based on the questions in the assessment I did last year as the assessment itself was. Whereas I finally got round to contacting a local organisation that helps people with disabilities, and they sent me some information about appeals, and it sounds like it will be completely based on the questions from the original assessment. Also, that it will be based on what my mental health problems were like at the time, rather than how they are now, which will be weird. Given that that was about a year ago. There will be a part at the end for me to make a general statement about my problems and why I think I should get the benefit and stuff, but I can't actually remember if there wasn't a chance for me to make a statement like that last year. And it didn't change much, if I did. So. I don't know.
It's just messing me up a little bit, because I know I have to explain my problems and justify why I think I should get the benefit, but the fact that I suddenly have to describe my problems as PROBLEMS, instead of just normal parts of my life that I have to do to get things done - I don't know, I'm just worried is going to make me really aware of them again, or start questioning them, and start messing up my routine and ways of doing things. On top of all the anxiety I'm going through just from the fact that I have to go to the appeal at all. And if they're asking the same questions again, then it's hard to see how I'm going to have different answers - because I could do all the things they asked if I could, like get to unknown locations on my own and learn new tasks. It's just how long it took me to do it, and whether I could do it over and over again - you know, like in a steady job - without having any problems.
I don't know. I know a bit more about it now, at least. My counsellor has advised that I take someone with me, and my mum's coming, so she can maybe answer questions about what I'm like at home and what my problems are. I don't actually know if she'll be able to come into the hearing with me, I haven't announced that she's coming, but I'm taking her. And the information I got from the other organisation suggests that there'll only be two people on the panel, a doctor and a judge. Mostly I just need to prepare, and at the moment I feel like preparing by watching 666theheartless666 videos and not thinking about it. Which might not work.
It's just annoying, because as part of the preparation I was doing, with my counsellor and with my employment coach, they asked me (in the style of a judge) how my OCD affects me on a day-to-day basis, and I started talking about HOW MANY things it affects, they both got kind of wide-eyed, and asked me if my doctor knew anything about how difficult I was finding my OCD, and if anyone was helping me out with that, as well as with counselling. So it sounds like I pretty much do have problems, from the perspective of people who don't have OCD, but I'm left feeling like that still might not be enough to get me the benefit to support me with getting back to work. Which is my actual plan, you know. DWP.
Fuck it. My plan is basically to go in and talk about how bad things are at their worst for me with my OCD. And maybe look a little bit angry with the whole process. Which I am. At least I know the questions now, if they really are just going to talk about them at the hearing. The thing is, I know it won't actually be the end of the world if I don't get ESA. But it basically means that I'll either be thrust into a world without benefits, where I won't have pretty much any money, to go and do things I enjoy. Or, I will have to go on Jobseeker's, and suddenly have a much higher workload than I do right now, having to do three applications or phonecalls a week for jobs, instead of one or two a month, and having to go see someone every couple of weeks to explain how well or badly my job-hunting is going. An appointment which may or may not get in the way of courses I want to do or brief trips I want to take, because as far as I know I can't change the appointment time, or miss one without having to take 'holiday time', which means I won't get any money, and which I only have a limited amount of per year.
Or I could appeal for my ESA again. Which someone on my jewellery course pointed out last month. Which is extremely tempting. But does mean I'd have to go through this whole thing all over again.
