girlofprey

I went to Fairburn Ings today with my mum and YN, which is our local RSPB reserve. It wasn't as sunny as it had been, but it also wasn't as insanely hot, and it was pretty nice, other than my nephew getting bored and being a little bastard. Also I bought some hedgehog food and have decided to start leaving some out, since we might have some in the area. I've decided not to tell my dad about this until it's established and the hedgehogs expect the food and there's nothing that can be done. Also I bought a bug/bee house, which came with some free wildflower seeds for your garden. I might try to figure out how to put those up also without dad noticing.

I had my ESA assessment the other week. It was late, as usual. They told me when I got in that I might be waiting at least half an hour, and I ended up waiting an hour. They offered me another appointment, and I could have taken it and just gotten paid for another few weeks probably - but I figured why bother, when that appointment would probably be late too, and I don't really want to be stuck in an endless loop. So I bit the bullet and waited for it. It went about how I expected. The lady was a little humourless, and I tried to be as honest as possible when answering the questions, while still making clear the problems I do have. She said it might take a couple of weeks, and I'd be paid until then - I got a call yesterday of somebody telling me the decision, and offering to talk me through it. I got 0 points, as usual, but it's not so bad this time. And certainly not unexpected. And it was nice to get a call I guess, rather than just the report. Happily, I was due a payment yesterday, and the guy said that had gone through, so I got a last payment at least, to tide me over. But I am officially off ESA now. I can appeal, of course, but I won't, I don't even feel like it anymore. So I'm going to need to go on Jobseeker's pretty shortly. Or find a job. Ideally, get a job either way.

I think I'm going to have to leave Tumblr, at least for a little bit. It's a shame because it's where fandom is at the moment, but the way it happens I just feel like I'm having arguments constantly. Without even saying anything. Of course, being in video game fandom feels like that anyway. People are going to need to learn the difference between sex, sexy and sexualised, or I'm going to start screaming. And all the Ghostbusters crap hasn't been fun. On the plus side, we got a great film out of it. On the minus side, every time I think I'm a horrible bitter person who hates the world, something terrible happens and I realise that I'm actually an incredible optimist. Which is to say that terrible things are happening to Leslie Jones at the moment, especially on twitter, because people are cunts. If any of you feel like doing anything to support her, that would probably be much appreciated right now.

Also I stopped playing The Witcher 3 and went back to Fallout 4. I'm so happy.

Emmerdale is swinging back and forth between moments of massive hilarity and extreme annoyance, dotted with the occasional moment of incredible beauty, right now. But on Coronation Street, they might finally make true the fact that David probably has PTSD. I loved Sarah wanting to look after him so much. I just want her to make him lie down on a bed with her, and put her arms round him and kiss his hair. I forget that he's the youngest sometimes.

Got my ESA assessment in 45 minutes - 15:15 on the 15th - and the pain from my stomach cramps is starting to kick in. Already took a naproxen earlier so I can't take them. Might have to take some paracetamol. Don't know what they'd think to me trying to cancel it at this stage, or trying to cancel it at all without a doctor's note or something. If I go and am obviously in pain though, maybe she'll have sympathy. I still don't really know what I'm going to say. I haven't prepared in any way. Partly because I've just been thinking about video games and E3 this week, but still. I think the point is: do I feel ready to work? Yes. Do I feel ready to work a really soul-crushing job, if that's all that's available? I don't know. Do I feel ready to support myself by working? No, not really.

But it doesn't need to be that bad. I just realised yesterday when I picked up a new prescription that if I'm not on benefits anymore, I'll need to pay for prescriptions and dental work. Which is another reason to go on Jobseeker's, much as I don't like that idea. But the last time I was on it, just before I applied for ESA, I told the Jobcentre about my ESA and got put with a disability advisor, who was lovely, and there was a lot less pressure. I don't if that will still be available, after so many years under a Conservative government, but there are definitely disability workers available, because that's who I see for my ESA check-ins. And maybe they'll actually help me get the kind of job I want. So who knows?

I'm also meant to be having kickboxing later, but I don't know. I'm meant to be resting my foot, still, and kickboxing isn't really the way to go about it. But I've not been going for walks, also to rest it, and I was so out of shape during the session last week, I don't really want to let it slip. I said I'd go tonight, but that was only because gradings are this Saturday, and they wanted to discuss some changes about that with me. But I don't think I'm going to the grading - I think that would be a step too far, with the foot, and being out of shape at the moment, I don't even know how I'd do. The only thing is that the next set of gradings will probably be at the end of August - when I might be at the Insomnia festival with my parents and nephew. So I might be waiting a long time for my next chance to go up a belt. So there's just tonight. And now the pain from my period's kicking in, I think maybe it isn't such a good idea. It's just frustrating. To have things getting in the way of doing it, and never knowing if I'm not just making excuses.

I've got this really awkward pain in the ball of my foot, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I get it sometimes because of wide arches or bunions or whatever, or because I'm a little heavy-footed when I walk. This time it flared up after kickboxing the other week, when I was on the balls of my feet for a long time. Although it might have had something to do with a long, long walk I took with my mum and YN a few weeks before that. Anyway - it was really hurting last week, to the point where I couldn't stay on the ball of my foot for too long, so I decided to give kickboxing a miss, thinking I probably wouldn't be able to do the moves anyway. I typed most of that last sentence with my eyes closed and only made one mistake, I'm amazing. Anyway, I figured it'd be fixed by this week, but whether it's because of the walks I take every day or just from the problem itself, it's not. I don't know whether to give kickboxing a miss again tonight - I can stay on the balls of my feet with a little less pain, but do a lot of that is probably going to make it flare up again, which won't help. It's annoying though, because the more lessons I miss the harder it is to get back into it. Well, it's not hard exactly, but the idea of a lot of the lessons is to build up my strength, and when I don't go I lose it again. But I'm not sure what to do about this foot thing. Mum says it's plantar fasciitis, which means I need to take anti-inflammatories, but it's not - I looked it up and plantar fasciitis is a pain in your heel, and apparently inflammation doesn't have much to do with it. For pain in the ball of the foot - and that is literally the only diagnosis I could find, 'pain in the ball of foot' - they say you can generally cure it with PRICE therapy. Which is Protection, Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevation. None of which sounds like kickboxing. So. I don't know. I'll probably skip tonight and see how it is in the next couple of days.

I'm also trying to fill in my disability questionnaire. It's due in by May 4th, and I got a strongly worded letter today telling me to send it back soon. The problem is, I don't really know what to say. I'm so much better than I used to be, even if I'm not really putting myself in a lot of stressful situations day-to-day anymore. But I feel like I could probably cope with those better. It's at the point where I feel like if I had the assessment and they found me unfit for work, I would feel like that was wrong. I might even feel a little insulted. But I'm not really relishing going back to work either, or having to depend on a job for money, especially given the state of the job market at the moment. So I still sort of want to go through the assessment process, rather than just cutting it dead. That probably sounds a little cheap, but whatever. But I don't really know what to say - I mean there are still problems, like if I'm particularly wound up one day, I find it hard to get to sleep, which sometimes means I sleep through an alarm or just find it hard to work the next day. But it's not enough to be unfit for work - like, even I feel that way. I guess it's just tough realising that this nice, supported part of my life is coming to end. They say to fill in your questionnaire thinking about yourself on your worst day, but I don't really have bad days anymore, aside from the occasional depressive blip, the last of which happened over a year ago. I'll think of something, it's just at the moment it feels like I'm either talking about my problems as if they're massive things, which they aren't anymore, or like I'm going to be talking them up to the point where I'm basically lying. Which doesn't interest me. Like I say, I'll think of something. If I skip kickboxing tonight I can fill it in tonight, I guess.

I'm also getting a little sick of the news channel for the Lets Players I watch. It's a nice source of video game and tech news, but oh my god - they do all their news stories like opinion pieces, so they can put their own spin on them, but ultimately they try to be so balanced - or avoid backlash - to the point where their opinion is basically nothing. I suppose it just brings home to me that I'm not much of a liberal, which seems to be the only option other than conservative in America. Socialist and proud. Also there's this girl on there, and I love her, but her constant attitude of choice-feminism, sex everywhere, 'there's nothing wrong with sexualisation!', is really starting to grate.

But on the plus side, my farm on Stardew Valley is looking pretty great. Sort of. On the minus side, the fic for Uncharted ended up being really disappointing. They didn't even do a fic around the canonical mind control scene very well. But, on the plus side, I'm about to make Haley in Stardew Valley really happy on her birthday. Which I've never done before. And any day now I might get a rabbit's foot. Which is awesome.

Dragon Age 2 is so dull. SO DULL. I am into Act 3 now, and I don't care, all the care I previously had went away. And all my companions are dicks, I literally hate asking them for help, and I know it's because game 2 is all about Politics and Fantastic Racism, but aksnldcmclndlanj. Where is the part where they say "You're right, Hawke. You're beautiful and amazing and ALWAYS RIGHT, I will stop being such a dick now"? WHERE IS THE PART WHERE I CAN CHANGE THEIR PERSONALITIES TO SUIT MY WHIMS, I'm PRETTY SURE I get that option in most RPGs nowadays. Is that the ending? Is a big party with cake and everyone realises the error of their ways? Are the errors of their ways still to come in the story, and THEN maybe they'll have a change of heart over it? Because I don't care. I no longer care. I hope most of them die. After they've finished helping me in fights and stuff. Pretty much the only companions I care about are Varric and Anders, but my relationship with Varric is going nowhere since all we ever discuss are the stories he tells about me (AND I CAN'T TELL HIM I LOVE HIM), and Anders is going weird. I'm pretty sure I mostly only love Anders because my PC from Dragon Age Origins recruited him, and she would LOVE HIM, no matter what he did. Barring a few things, obviously. Ugh. I hate Templars, but I'm pretty sure they're going to give me a reason to hate mages shortly. And every other quest is basically a fetch quest, where my basic reward is a bit of money and a 'tick' next to the quest in my journal.

It's fine. It's perfectly fine. I'm just really bored.

In other news, people are saying Livejournal is no longer sending comment notifications, is that true? It sucks if it is true. I'm assuming I will get a 'notification' on the home page, or my journal, if you comment on this post. If not things are going to get a lot more complicated around here.

I have also been watching Springwatch, this week and last week, as I attempt to do every year. I love Springwatch. And I love Michaela Strachan now she has calmed down and stopped trying to do cheesy jokes and wacky presenting all the time. I have to assume either the others told her to calm down, or she found a genuine love for nature, or - in a way that is sad but perhaps for the best - she witnessed one too many 'tragedies', like entire nests of cute chicks being eaten by weasels, and it soothed her manic soul. In any case, she's a lot better nowadays. And I seem to be detecting a frisson of sexual tension between her and Chris Packham on the show. If not, they're still really lovely with the way she makes him laugh despite himself all the time.

And while watching Springwatch, I saw the presenters make a few comments suggesting cuckoos were getting really rare in Britain nowadays. Which made me lucky, I suppose, since on Tuesday my mum and I took my ON to a local nature reserve, Fairburn Ings, and totally heard one in the woods. Result.

I also had to go see a woman from the Jobcentre on Wednesday. It was the Disability Advisor, and it was just a routine checking in type of thing, but it was a new woman because the previous woman retired, so I decided I should go in and meet her face-to-face, and I was a little bit anxious about it. But she turned out to be really nice, I explained everything I was doing and everything I wasn't doing, and a bunch of things I was waiting to hear about, and she suggested a new website I could look at for volunteering opportunities, and a new service I could go to for therapy once my current counselling is finished, and that was it. It all went pretty smoothly and she'll check in with me again in three months. Hurrah.

Also, you know what I don't understand? When you see the same actor over and over again in roles where they are meant to be not very attractive and kind of creepy, but they use actors that are obviously incredibly attractive in a slightly odd way. The main person I am thinking of is Harry Kershaw, who looks like this:


(from microsite.bournemouth.ac.uk)

See what I mean? I guess that's what they mean by "TV ugly". They mean not ugly. I feel like I want to follow Harry Kershaw's career, in the hopes of one day seeing him in a thing where they treat him as as attractive as he is. Apparently he was in Skyfall. As "Q's assistant", which was probably the most forgettable role ever. Still. Maybe it means he is moving into Hollywood, and will have massive success in the future. Tom Hiddleston managed.

Also I really hate the changes Youtube have made to their site. Just so everyone knows.

I'm going away tomorrow. I'm sure you will all miss my MAD POSTING SKILLS, but yes, if I'm not around, that's why. We have to get up at about 5am tomorrow to fly from Manchester at 9.30, so I probably won't have a chance to post again before I go. Also I haven't packed. Also I need to have a bath and wash my hair. So yes.

I had only a mild panic over the past couple of weeks, when I tried on one of my dresses and it was really tight, and I became convinced nothing would fit me and I didn't have time to get more with everything else going on, and I would have NOTHING TO WEAR NOTHING, I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO LEAVE THE HOTEL. But it was shortly before my period that I tried on that dress, and all my other stuff that's the same size still fits me, and I tried all my old stuff on last night - including the dress - and it all pretty much still fit, or was doable. The holiday we're going on is All Inclusive though, so I get the feeling it might be an idea to wear the tighter stuff early on in the holiday, before we all balloon up slightly.

So yes. I'm going away. The hardest thing to contemplate, which I only properly realised a few days ago, was that I wouldn't be able to play my computer games for a week, and keep up my steady progression through the story. I plan to distract myself with Crete. And when I get back, maybe those two people on the Fallout kinkmeme who promised and sort-of-promised to write me fills will have written them. MAYBE THAT.

Also I managed to make calls to both my counselling service, who wrote to me last week implying I'd missed an appointment even though I hadn't heard about one, and offering me further appointments on Mondays, to tell them I won't be able to make that for the next three weeks, due to packing, holiday, and my dad's birthday; and to the Jobcentre to ask for an appeal form. The Jobcentre call went about as smoothly as expected, they asked for a pin I remember making up a few months ago, and not using since. But I managed to make it through the rest of the security questions. The woman sounded suprised that the form I needed wasn't in the letters I got saying I'd failed the assessment, but I remember having to go for some kind of form at some point last year, so I honestly can't remember if that's how it always was or if it's a new stumbling block they've put in the way of people trying to claim benefits. In any case, the woman who's actually offering me counselling is supposed to be calling back tonight, and the woman at the Jobcentre is supposed to be sending me out an appeal form, so that should be here when I get back from holiday. Hurrah.

The day I get back will be the day before Halloween. I will have one or one-half a day to prepare for one of my favourite holidays. And then it will be November. Eek.