girlofprey

So. After all of that whinging at the beginning of the week, here's how things actually played out:

• Part of the reason I was freaking out about the Jobcentre appointment was because at the last one, the advisor said this one would be a telephone appointment. So when I got a letter asking me to come in I assumed something must be wrong, or that I'd got a new advisor who might not be so thrilled at my progress as my previous lady was. Well, I got to the Jobcentre about five minutes ahead of time. 15 minutes later I was still sat there. I gave it another five minutes, then got up to ask if there was a problem, and the lady at the desk had a discussion with my advisor. It turns out I was supposed to have a telephone interview, and my advisor had been planning on calling me I guess, but - I didn't get the whole story on this - someone had gone into her diary for some reason, changed her telephone appointments to office interviews, the letters had gone out reflecting that, then those office interviews had been cancelled. I don't understand it, but it sounds like it was nothing to do with her and as much hassle for her as for me, because she had no idea which other telephone interviews had been messed with too. But anyway, she took me over for a brief chat as usual, like five minutes, and let me go again for the next three months. And that was that.



• I did end up going to Leeds on Wednesday. My (cover) service worker was v understanding about that, and also we didn't have much else to talk about. For those of you following the story with my service worker, my regular guy has been off sick for about five weeks now, and I have asked for a new one now, and for a female worker. Unfortunately the only lady who'd be suitable is also off sick, so it's not sorted out yet. But hopefully sometime this week it will be. But anyway, Leeds. I bought Lego and comics and chocolate, and got a free gift (sort of) from the Body Shop. I felt the most grown up I have in weeks.



• My birthday turned out to be super great. My plan was to spend it doing nothing and talking to no-one, playing video games. I have just started one of the DLC for Fallout: New Vegas for the first time, and it's frustrating but I'm really enjoying it. But anyway, those plans went out the window because my YN was down. So we had party poppers and I learned he can sort of say 'happy birthday', and then we went for a long walk to try to get him to fall asleep. We saw a few horses, one of which was way more excited to see us than I'm afraid we lived up to, another one that tried to eat the buttons off my coat, and maybe my nephew? Apparently he wanted to stroke it but mum didn't want to release him from the buggy because he's hard to get back in, so he just reached out, and this massive horse reached its head all the way down and licked his face. Then it realised we didn't have any treats, even buttons, and left. Maybe we should take carrots next time we go on that walk. Also we made friends with a dog, but it was on a farm full of dogs and another of them wasn't so friendly, so we had to leave. It was freezing cold on that walk, but a lot of fun.
  
  Afterwards my nephew still wasn't asleep though, so we had to go for a drive, but we discovered a whole town we didn't know about, so it wasn't so bad. Then I spent the next few hours building a Lego set what I'd bought. Then cake, which my YN managed to sleep through. Then video games. It was a good day.



• I did get the PS4, which is good because I paid £200 towards it. It was no surprise, because after getting through my Jobcentre interview, I ended up meeting my mum in town, and she was at the shop buying it. The dude did nicely put it in a plastic cover though, so no thieves would be tempted to steal it, so it COULD HAVE BEEN ANYTHING. But yes, it's mine. Haven't played on it yet because the game it came with is one I already have for the PS3, and there's been suggestions I could take it back and get money for it. And the other games are still around £50 - between Lego and going to London next week, I don't have that kind of cash to splash around. But my parents have quite nicely tidied the little bedroom where the PS3's set up (something they've been meaning to do for a while), so when I do get it out it'll be a lot easier to see where the wires are and should go and stuff. Thanks, parents.



• Mother's Day today. When we were out on Tuesday we saw a display of azaleas, which I remarked upon because I'd heard some interesting stories about how they were poisonous (fun fact: if bees make honey out of azaleas, the honey will be poisonous too. If you're looking for an extremely labour-intensive murder weapon, consider azalea honey). Anyway, mum said she used to have one in her student house, and it reminded her of her younger days. So I planned to get her one for Mother's Day. Then on my birthday, it turned out she'd gotten me one. She'd also picked up a little tweeting plush bird, so when it turned out the azaleas were all sold out anyway, I ran and got her one of those. Then yesterday she showed me one she'd bought herself. Dear mothers: you are impossible to buy for. Happy freaking Mother's Day.

Which brings us to today, when I am waiting for lunch because my sister has invited us up to her house for it. I really don't know what to expect. I wasn't expecting this. Apparently she's cleaned up the house and has some new, not-yet-broken furniture from my grandma's house, which just got sold this week. And from what I could tell from a phone call earlier this week she's started cooking, because mum had driven off with her shopping and she couldn't start the dinner without beef for the 'bourguignon' (?). So she's invited us up for Mother's Day. Should be interesting at least. Aside from the fact that I haven't been speaking to her for two and a half years, and my mum apparently spent most of Friday unable to deal with her behaviour and fighting with her. It's in an hour and twenty minutes. At least I still have some birthday cake left.

Well, what an interesting week I've had.

I think in my last post I mentioned my MN was on the points of being expelled from school. Well, last Wednesday he was excluded until after the weekend. Something happened in class, I can't remember what, but he responded by having a tantrum, flinging things around the classroom, and ripping other children's work down off the wall and tearing it up. The teachers took pictures to prove what was happening should it come to that. He went back on Monday, and had to be brought home again that afternoon, but since then he's been okay apparently. My sister's had to finally make an appointment with the doctor for him though, with a possibility he's going to have to be assessed by CAMHS (child mental health services).

Meanwhile, after months of trying to get my ON into my MN's school, so they can go to the same one and only need to be taken across the street, my sister found out this week that one of her old friends from her old neighbourhood just moved near to where she lives, and their child of the same age just got in, with "one place left". So no-one's happy.

And then I had - well, on Sunday my parents and I went to a pub near our house for Sunday lunch, which we do about once a month. And you know how it is, you eat a lot, but I don't think I ate more than usual. And then on Monday I had an appointment with a replacement worker for the service I'm with at the moment, since my usual guy was on holiday, so instead of going and having a drink and a chat we ended up going to the library and hunching over a single library computer while the guy sort of got a bit pushy about what I was going to do next. I mean, I am moving slowly so fair enough, but I want to start kickboxing, and my usual worker used to be some sort of martial arts champion, and he said he was going to tell me about the instructors in the area. So I don't see the point of wasting a resource like that, or booking anything before hearing from him? I don't know. But anyway, it was physically uncomfortable and slightly more stressful than usual for two hours. And as I was walking home my chest was physically hurting whenever I breathed and my abdomen was aching for no apparent reason, and for the next couple of days I could barely eat anything without some sort of physical pain. I skipped a couple of meals altogether. And then my spine got involved, aching like crazy whenever I sat too straight or tried to lie on my back whenever I, I don't know, tried to get some sleep.

My mum said it sounded like a muscle thing - I feel like I somehow strained my entire digestive tract and chest. But even she was surprised by how long it lasted. I'm still feeling it a little bit now. I have to say, as stupid as it sounds, I suspect my sudden passion for I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here had something to do with it. Apart from anything, two to two-and-a-half hours for the show and the aftershow is just a hard thing to fit into your routine, especially when like to be quite set in your routine like me. But I also got pretty wound up hating the people who were picking on one of the girls, and then having to admit to all of that girl's flaws as well. For the record, most of the people getting at her have gone and she's shown herself to be pretty selfish, which I sort of always thought. So it's all gone a bit blah. But yeah. Mum says tension, as in tensing up because you're in pain, is one of the main things that keeps muscle strain going, and I suspect I was tense because of IAC. I could literally feel the pain coming back when I thought about it, and going away when I stopped. So yeah. This is why I don't like watching reality tv shows. Because they tend to be either boring, or quite emotionally full-on in what is probably quite a manipulative way. But anyway. It's a good example of how stress can cause physical problems, I guess.

So that was my week. Problems with my nephews, physical pain and I'm A Celebrity. We did go to Nostell Priory at the weekend though, me, mum, dad and my ON. It was all done up for Christmas, and it did end up making me feel quite festive, finally. The only annoying thing was that they had Christmas carollers, which made me want to sing along, but it was still November and I don't like to sing them before December. It was Temptation Incarnate. But I did get a pair of new gloves in the shop, and because they were the last pair left and were a bit marked because they'd been on display, I got 20% off. Result.

This week, I've got another meeting with my regular service worker (I think) and an appointment with the Jobcentre about my Work-Related Activity. I'm going to ask about the 18 months thing on my appeal statement, but some people have said it's probably from the original assessment and some people have said it's probably from the Tribunal, so I don't know what to think. I'll just have to ask. I should probably do some Christmas shopping as well at some point. And it's my YN's birthday on Thursday. Happily I already bought him a present months ago - the day of my Tribunal, in fact - so that's all sorted. Bar the wrapping, I guess. Hmm. But mostly it should be all in hand. I also got a call back from the local mental health services this week about being referred for CBT, but as I suspected I'm going to have to wait about 2 or 3 months for it. But at least it's moving along, I guess.

So I called the Jobcentre yesterday. Again, it was one of those conversations where I didn't understand everything the guy was saying and I hoped he would explain it before the conversation was through, but he didn't. But he seemed genuinely perplexed by the idea that the Jobcentre would appeal the Tribunal's decision, because it doesn't happen very often - which I knew, but still. He kept saying he didn't know why "they'd done that", and I couldn't tell if he meant why the reasons for the Tribunal's decision were requested or why the court told me they'd been requested - it seemed like he meant the latter, but the letter was just a courtesy thing, as far as I could tell. I was mostly freaked out because the last time I won an appeal (so much experience now), I didn't get a letter saying anyone had requested the reasons for it, as I recall. So it seemed like a ~special case~. But it probably wasn't. In any case, the guy said there was no note on my records saying the Jobcentre was planning to appeal, he said they were working on paying me my arrears, and that my case wouldn't be treated any differently from anyone else's. Like I said, I still don't entirely trust the Jobcentre, but that's about as fair as anyone can say about it for now, so I'm happy with it.

I'm nearly done with Saints Row IV now. I've been super-enjoying it, but I also don't really see where the story can go from here, if it all plays out as I'm assuming it will. Maybe back into the past. Into fantasy world. They can fight Cthulhu. But then this game has been quite retrospective, which is sometimes a sign that a series is coming to a close. But I'm sure that'll depend on how much money they make from it. Anyway, I really like it, even if it's not really like Saints Row 2 anymore. And I'm sure my tendency to ship badass protagonists with their enemies will abate any day now. Although Dane Vogel is still her truest love obv.

I also found a Saints Row Kink Meme on Livejournal, which was great, except that it doesn't have a single entry on it. By which I mean, not even a post saying "Yo put your prompts here!". It's like the saddest thing I've ever seen. EXCEPT NO because I've been getting into Olan Rogers lately (dude from the video the other day) and today I caught up with some of his 'updates' from a couple of years ago, and - as I suspected and feared - it was about him moving away from his home state so he could have any kind of career in video work, and he was crying because he'd had to leave all his best friends behind. Including Reid. REID. The other dude from the video the other day. Oh Olan. Get rich and buy a big house so he can come live with you.

( Saints Row IV and 2 blather )

Also, today my YN officially started calling me something along the lines of "Rachael". It sounds more like "Wey-dul", and he only calls me it when shouting up the stairs for me. But it's better than "daddy", or nothing. Woo-hoo!

On a less pleasant note, I also got a letter today from the Tribunal service, saying that a request had been made to see the reasons my appeal was allowed, and they were enclosing a copy for me as well. Which sounds like the Jobcentre are "double-checking" whether I really do deserve the ESA I was awarded at my appeal. Apparently the Jobcentre can overturn or refuse a Tribunal's decision, or appeal against it or something, but I'm assuming they don't do that very often or else there wouldn't be much point having an appeals system. If they were just going to say "no" anyway. So it's probably fine. Still makes me nervous though. Wankers.

Oh my God, I forgot. I forgot that when you have a cold and then it gets better, it doesn't actually get better, it just moves further down your throat. I spent most of last night not being able to sleep or breathe. Technically I spent most of today not being able to sleep (or breathe) either. Ughhhhh....

I finished most of the Deep Roads main quest on Dragon Age: Origins today. ( Spoilers, sort of )

My appeal hearing is next week. A week tomorrow, in fact. I called an ESA assistance charity earlier this week to see if they had any tips for me, and they suggested trying to get medical evidence. I have no idea what medical evidence I can really get, since I hardly ever see my doctor about my OCD, even for a medical note, and my counselling wasn't through the NHS. I have called my counselling service, to see if my old counsellor would write me a letter, only to be told that the receptionist 'didn't know of anyone there by that name' (??), but that someone could write me a letter just generally on behalf of the service. They said that person would call me back on Tuesday, but they didn't, so I called again yesterday, and they told me that that person - the only one who apparently has the authority to write this letter - was training this week, but might be back tomorrow. If they do call tomorrow, I'm not entirely sure what to say. If they're not my counsellor and can't talk to her they won't know about my problems, specifically, and I don't know if she kept notes, she never mentioned it. And the charity people said it would be better if the medical evidence could specifically address the questions they ask in the ESA assessment, and whether I would be able to manage with those problems. Which seems like a complicated thing to have to write with no personal knowledge of me, before next Friday. But there we go. I can't think of anything else to do other than to ask my GP to give a general run-down of OCD. And the doctor on the panel ought to know enough about that.

Partly it's my own fault, I know, for leaving it this late. I guess I thought I'd have more time between getting the court date and having to attend it. But I had months before that, and I left it. The charity people did say that I could ask the Tribunal to adjourn until I had more medical evidence, if I didn't know I was supposed to have it, but they do ask you to get any medical evidence you need in the tribunal papers. And I don't know if I could go to the court next week not knowing whether we were actually going to have the Tribunal, or adjourn it. So I don't know. I don't know how much of an option that is. I guess it depends what response I get from the counselling service and/or my GP, and how long it would take to get evidence from them. The charity people also said that the government keeps changing the parameters for being eligible for benefits, so someone who got them last year might not get them this year. So. There's that.

Blah blah blah blah blah. I'm so tired. And so ill. :(

At least if I don't get ESA awarded to me next week, I have enough money in the bank and in an ISA to be able to cope for a few weeks while I decide what to do next, and what I want to do. I don't really want to have to go back at Jobseeker's. Particularly not if they really are making some people be slave labour. But I might have to.

My constant desire to buy make-up even though I don't wear make-up continues to vex me. Sort of like my constant desire to buy alcholic liqueurs even though I don't drink alcohol. Although that's mostly because I like the bottles, and vaguely toy with the idea of learning to make cocktails one day. Still. It would be nice if I could get over both of those things, given that I'm not terribly likely to use them.

Yesterday I called the DWP to ask about my benefits and stuff, just to check they had actually received my sick note and it didn't get lost in the post or something. The guy said it had all arrived, and a payment of £400 had been made to me, which should cash on Thursday. Which is nice. He also said that my evidence for my condition was updated till 17th January, which is odd because my sick note was dated from 12th October (hopefully) and the doctor had put on it that it was supposed to last 8 weeks. But that's what they said. I'm hoping they'll send me a letter out about it all which might explain it a little better, but at least I know that's it all going through and I should be getting some money soon. And today I went and saw the doctor about a personal health issue that's been worrying me for a couple of weeks. Suffice to say, I had a type of exam I've never had before, but the doctor said there was nothing to worry about, which has settled my mind a bit. So those things are sorted. Also I bought my dad's birthday present, since I was up and in town today. Hurrah!

I made an effort to watch some of the snooker yesterday, because Dominic Dale was playing Matthew Stevens and it seemed like a winning combination. Unfortunately Dale was ill, and looked it, and I missed the only frame of four where he did a lot of playing and got a good break and stuff. Matthew Stevens plays beautiful snooker though, so that made up for it, I GUESS. I was extremely confused today whether Dale had gone out of it or not, but I just looked it up and he has. Oh well. SOME DAY I might catch him playing actual snooker again. He's probably better off in bed at the moment, though.

The one thing I will say about the new update page is that the way they space the lines out makes it easier to read and hurts my eyes less. And I suppose I can get used to the font (Ariel? Is it Ariel?). And I suppose it gives you a better idea of exactly how long your post is going to be before you post it.

I had to get up at 8 this morning to book a same-day appointment at the doctor's, and then had to be there for 10.30. Tomorrow I have to get up at 8 again for a workshop thing at my back-to-work service place. Ughhh.

My favourite Christmas carol is 'The Angel Gabriel From Heaven Came'. No-one else I talk to seems to know it, and when I tried to sing it for K back in University, she said it sounded 'scary'. Sigh.

What I'm really hoping happens on Coronation Street is that Tina gets to a certain stage in her pregnancy, and realises that she really really doesn't want to give the baby up. But between Owen holding the money over her head and her not wanting to let Gary and Izzy down, she finds it really hard to actually say so. And then David finds out about it, and starts trying to help her keep it. Because David is a bit psycho about how children should be with their PARENTS, even if those parents aren't entirely the biological parents, and because however much he loves Kylie, I will never believe he isn't just a little bit still in love with Tina. And then we could have a proper feud on the street again, with Owen, Gary and Izzy on one side, and Tina and David on the other, and everyone else taking positions wherever they feel like it. And there could be Gary being desperate and furious to get his baby, and fighting with David over it; Izzy swinging between being devastated and not wanting to take a child away from another woman, and the fact she never entirely wanted to go for surrogacy in the first place; the terrible fight between Gary definitely being the baby's dad, but Tina wanting to be its mother instead of Izzy; Owen just being mental and no-one really being on his side, except in his worst moments Gary; Tommy being useless and just not supporting Tina because he never wanted her to be a surrogate in the first place; Kylie being all furious and insecure because she thinks David still loves Tina, and hates her for not wanting to have another baby; David being absolutely resolute that this is the thing to do, and he's going to make sure it happens; and Tina just not knowing what to do, just that she's not sure she can give the baby up. And everyone else picking sides, or no side at all, or changing sides halfway through the argument.

And it could end with Tina giving the baby up, or keeping it, or having a long, drawn-out legal battle over it, or anything really. But it would be a storyline that would be interesting, and difficult, and not black-and-white, and dreadful, but could just potentially get so much out of so many characters. And I would genuinely be interested and want to watch it. Which is more than I feel for any other storyline at the moment. Except maybe scenes of David talking care of small children. And obviously, they could just write it really badly if they did do that, and put Tracy all over it. But for now, that is what I sort of hope. DAVID AND TINA AND BABY AGAINST THE WORLD. Maybe it will happen.

I miss Becky.

Anyway. In other news, I still haven't heard back from the DWP about my payments. They might not be going to write to me, they just be going to pay me, but I assume they'll write because I asked them to recalculate my money now my grandma's not giving me £40 a month. And they usually write to you every time they change your money, even if they're changing it to the exact thing it was before. I'm hoping if there's a delay it's because they're recalculating the benefits, or processing it or something, rather than because they're gathering the courts to throw me in jail for not informing them about my income changing sooner. Fingers crossed.

Also...I still love Borderlands. And The Binding Of Isaac turned out to be a lot more frustrating than I was expecting. And I still need to buy an advent calendar. Hmph.

( Cut for stress, benefits, sick notes )

So yes. I had a GREAT day.

I went to see my doctor's surgery yesterday about a sick note. I explained everything to the woman on the desk, and she didn't seem to think there'd be a problem with getting a continuance, over the desk, six months after my last one, backdated to 12th October. And today I got a text saying it was ready to pick up. Hurrah!

Also, the DWP wrote to me again telling me they still hadn't gotten my sick note. Which is nice, because with those letters they also send a prepaid envelope, and a cover letter with the right address on. The only problem is that I really think I should inform them about my grandmother dying, and the fact I don't get money from her anymore, because they're still taking what she used to give me off my benefit payments as 'income'. Obviously I'm entitled to the money, and I'm not even really expecting them to backpay me anymore. I just hope telling them 5 months after she died doesn't cause any problems through not being 'prompt' enough. It was sort of stupid though. I had to wait a month for a bank statement to prove I wasn't receiving it anymore, then write a letter about the fact she'd died, how much money she'd been giving me, why, what it was for, how regularly she'd been giving it to me. I had to wait for the bank statement, and then I put it off, and then I kept forgetting about it. But I should probably tell them now. I can get a copy of my latest bank statement tomorrow when I go to town, to prove I'm still not receiving it, and pick up my sick note, and then send it off tomorrow or Thursday.

I'm still loving Borderlands. My annoyances about the only female character you can play have sort of gone away (mostly) while playing the single-player storyline, because I am just killing everyone, single-handed. I mean, I keep dying and having to be revived by New-U Stations. But apparently that's just a feature of technology in this world, so I think it still counts. And they've started putting in female secondary characters, who are actually physical people you can speak to. Hurrah. The infinite gun generation machine is sort of giving me a headache though. I mean, do I pick a sniper rifle with high damage that has a slight chance of making my enemies explode, or a sniper rifle with lower damage that has a very good chance of making my enemies explode? MY PAIN IS ENDLESS.

Also, I have decided to try to finish Silent Hill: Downpour again. I stopped playing a while back because - essentially, there's a fantastic system games sometimes use nowadays where your weapons degrade. This is sort of realistic, and can work pretty well in some games, and heighten tension. It can also be fucking annoying. Silent Hill: Downpour has this system. If you pick up a melee weapon and use it a couple of times, it starts doing less damage. Eventually, a fire axe can do less damage than a wooden stick, because it has degraded so badly. But, you know, I was okay with it. There were always plenty of melee weapons around, and it was realistic, and I figured I'd only need to put up with it till I got the guns. Then I got the shotgun. Then I ran out of shotgun ammo. Then I started using the shotgun as a melee weapon until I found some more ammo, since the only other option was dropping it. And then the shotgun broke. And then I ragequit. But I do sort of want to finish it, and see the end of the story. So I figured I'd give it another try. We'll see if I remember ANY OF THE BUTTONS, or fail horribly.

In film news:

• A heist movie, starring Cameron Diaz, and Alan Rickman, and Colin Firth? Out tomorrow? That'd be a yes.



• I've been wanting to see Wreck-It Ralph for a few months, since I first heard about it on Tumblr. So it seems kind of annoying that I now have to avoid posts about it on Tumblr so I don't get spoiled, because it's out in America 3 months before it's released here. I THOUGHT THESE DAYS WERE OVER.

ETA: Also, if anyone is interested or morbidly curious, Christopher Maloney's eyes of death are here. You might have to wait a minute, though. I just. It really brings 'bright eyes' to life, that's all I can say.

( Benefits and mental health stuff )

I've been feeling really wiped out and weird over the past few days, and I don't know if it's because of the stress over the appeal, being on my period, or what. I'm feeling in a sort of a fannish limbo as well, because all my shows - or my show, rather - has finished, and obviously Bioshock fandom ended up being a bit of a letdown, after putting off reading half of it for a bit. I'm still feeling weirdly dissatisfied with Bioshock, anyway, and Dishonored, and I can't tell if it's because I genuinely found their endings sort of empty, or because I want to play through again as a baddy to get the other endings, and feel like I'm really done with the canon. Hmm. I'm not playing either. I'm playing Portal 2. GLaDOS is mean.

What I really feel like doing is watching all of old Dallas. I'm not entirely convinced I would be able to do that, however, or to do it in a timely fashion.

Also, it's pre-Christmas, and my mum has started asking me what I want already. And I have genuinely no idea, nor is anything coming to me. Which is a little weird. Last year I just had 3 things I wanted, but I genuinely wanted them, you know? Although last year was pretty easy, because Skyrim was coming out. But this year, nothing really. I mean, there's things I want, but I don't know how mum or dad would react to me being all "Get me 2 cushions from Jon Burgerman". The only thing I can think of is an XBox, just because it's a big thing, but I only really want that so I can play a couple of XBox exclusive games, and possibly some other XBox exclusive games in the future, but I could get those for the PC most of the time. And we'd need to find somewhere to put it. I still haven't plugged in or tested out the Playstation 2 I bought a few months ago. Hmph. Well, I'm sure something will come to me.

I've got my first counselling appointment with my new counsellor tomorrow, which I'm hoping will do something for my mental state, and coping with the appeal and all. Or in the next few weeks, anyway, after we've settled in. I hope I get along with her, as well as I did with my old counsellor. Fingers crossed.