girlofprey

I'm going back to work tomorrow. But here's the thing: my parents and all my nephews are going on holiday on Sunday, so next week my parents won't be around. Which means I'll have no chance of a lift to the station if I'm running late in the morning. Which means I also have to remember to look after the cat and organise her care properly around my working hours. Which means I'll probably have to do some food shopping, and cook for myself when I get in in the evening. So it won't be a usual week any way. Which is not ideal timing, but here we are. It also means mum won't be doing the washing, and I'm completely out of the habit of doing it myself, so if our heatwave returns and I really need to just spam the same set of light clothes for a week or two, I'm a little bit fucked. So that's that. Purely because of that, I'm not feeling super confident about next week. But like I say, there's no changing it now, and I don't really want to stay off work another week, so here we are. I'll just have to see.

And then the following week, they're returning on Sunday - but it's the middle of the night on Sunday, and they'll have all three kids with them, and while the idea of taking the children home that night has been floated about, what they usually do is bring all the kids here. So it's more straightforward and mum can sort out all the clothes she's sending back with them from the cases or whatever. So next Sunday night, my parents will be returning to our house with three fairly young, behaviourally-challenged children, in the middle of the time when I will be trying to sleep to get up for work the next day. My dad has been an arse about it, "oh, sorry to get in the way of your routine", and there's not much anyone can do about it now, but the fact remains that what they do will probably affect me. So I don't think that will be fun.

But I'm going back to work. To be honest, I don't feel too weird about it, apart from the holiday/parents stuff. And I don't feel weird about the idea of working next week. But when I think about working the week after that as well, I start to go "hmm?". And then when I remember they expect me to work, day after day, week after week after week until my next available holiday, I start to feel not great about it. So I don't know how tomorrow's going to go. We'll just have to see.

I did check my sick note, and it said you can go back before the end date on it if you feel able to, so that shouldn't be a problem. I guess just going in sometimes while off sick is a problem, maybe? Or that one doctor was just making things up. Anyway, I spoke to my boss to let him know I was planning to be in tomorrow, and asked if he was around so we can talk. I think I probably need to talk to him about the f-ing car park, because if he's not going to be around the office so much from now on, I don't know what my chain of command is supposed to be (so to speak). And he's never replied to me to talk about my sick pay form, so either he hasn't read it (promising to do things and then not doing them is somewhat his thing), or he has looked at it and it's awkward, so he's trying to pretend it isn't happening. Either way, I will probably have to speak to him about it tomorrow - without having any idea if he's even read the form or not, and knows what I know or not. So that will be fun.

I called my local mental health services last week and had an assessment yesterday. It was nice to talk to someone about everything, but she told me more or less what I expected - that wait times for any treatment will be more or less what I've experienced before, which in recent times was about 9 months. That's not super helpful when I'm feeling incredibly terrified something's going to go wrong pretty much all the time, and when I'll probably be expected to work those 9 months in order to earn any money. So I'm more or less back to square one, just sort of needing to look for a new job and hoping I get one to see if a change in employment environment helps me out at all, or finding a way to cope better with my current job and routine, with just a vague feeling that I should be getting treatment somewhere down the line eventually at least.

I also called ACAS, an employment support helpline, as suggested by the Citizens Advice Bureau to double-check the information I have about Statutory Sick Pay. They confirmed what I've been told already - that if I meet the criteria for SSP, which I'm pretty sure I do, then I should be getting it. Which means I now just need to talk to my employer about it.

I'm also seeking an extension to my sick note, because I think an extra week off would do me good. Apparently I only need to call the doctors tomorrow to get an extension. But it still means I need to call my manager to let him know I'll be off another week, and he'll need to cover another week, and when I do that I may as well, at that point, ask him about sick pay. So I'm not really excited to make that call. The alternative is to not ask about sick pay and just a) accept they're doing something shady, b) accept they're doing that shady thing to me, and c) accept that at the end of July my pay will be £200 for the month, instead of £800 for the month. None of those feel like good options.

I feel like my parents are disappointed in me in general, and that's no fun either. They don't just trust me. And that hurts.

So. After an extended situation with Social Services and my ON over the weekend, I'm completely exhausted. I don't feel like I ever relaxed over the weekend, and I remember distinctly thinking on Monday night "It doesn't feel like a Monday - it feels like a Thursday". Like I'd already been working for a whole week. I've been too wound up to go to bed, then too anxious to sleep, and then in the morning to tired to get up. The idea of going back to work tomorrow genuinely makes me want to cry, and I don't know what to do about it, except try and get some sleep tonight.

I did bring myself to ask my manager for some more time off work last week. It wasn't so bad in the end, as I managed to build up to it - he (and I) were back from some time off on the Monday, and at lunchtime the office was full of people so I didn't like bringing it up then, and then he came later and asked how my time off was for me, and I could say then that I needed to speak to him the next day about more time off maybe - so I made sure to bring it up on Monday, but didn't actually have to ask till Tuesday. And I was a little worried about going back to work, but the first Monday I was back was pretty quiet, which made me feel a lot better about the possibility of him saying no to my request at least.

Asking him wasn't great, as it never is when you have to discuss your mental health in a professional capacity, but I managed to get my point across and I think got him to vaguely understand what things are like for me. And then I asked him for two full weeks off, before the end of October - specifically, I asked for 'after the 19th of October', because that's when my train pass runs out, and now you have to buy tickets at stupid machines at the station I don't fancy doing without it for a week, or having to buy a monthly pass and waste the money. At the time I didn't quite realise that was about three weeks away - in some ways I regret that now. But in any case, he said he'd look into it for me, and seems to be genuinely doing that - and even brought up the idea that I might need more time off, if I felt the two weeks weren't enough, which is entirely possible and it's nice that he's kind of prepared for that. But it took him some time to try and arrange it, and yesterday he came to me and said that he was pretty certain he could arrange the second week, and the Wednesday to Friday of the first week, but that he might need me to come in on the Monday and Tuesday of that first week. Which is - so much better than not having any time off at all, but I really felt like I needed that two weeks off, and at the moment I really feel like I need to get the things I ask for, because they are the things that I need, and I don't know what to make of that offer now. I genuinely believe he's just struggling to cover it - apparently a lot of the team are just coincidentally off that week - but it puts me in the position of now having to either suck it up and just go in for those first two days - and it is only two days. But then I've also got to consider how I'm going to feel after the two weeks are up if I didn't get that two weeks I really feel like I need. Or am I going to insist and say "no, I need the time off", and take those days off sick no matter what he says, putting him in a really bad position, and possibly putting myself in a bad position with that job going forward. At the moment, I don't even feel like I'm going to make it to next Friday, or a week on Tuesday or whenever it is, like I might need to take time off before even that. But I don't know. I don't like doing this. I'm just going to have to try to get some sleep tonight and hope that helps me out, and that the weekend helps me out too, and that I just feel better after that. I'm not feeling great right now. I don't really know what to do about it. Other than get some sleep.

Also today at work me and S - the only other person on the team in the office - were discussing our potential building move, and he seemed to think they had a particular building in mind now. It was near the other company our Facilities company helps out with, which is basically the area they'd discussed for a while. But they took me into our other building a while ago to show me more of what our company does, and I genuinely don't remember a reception area except for the one on the ground floor - which will be run by building management, not our Facilities company. So now I'm genuinely wondering if I have a job after the company moves buildings - not that I'm desperate to hang onto this job particularly, but I don't really want the rug pulling out from under my feet. And it's a little bit paranoid, but now I'm genuinely wondering if my manager has been stringing me along, basically, to try to make sure I stayed at this job as long as they needed me, without telling me that maybe I wouldn't be needed after the building move. I don't know. It's another thing to bring up with him maybe, I guess. Maybe I just missed the individual reception areas at the other building when I went there. But I don't think I did. And he has been trying to give me other admin work for the Facilities company in general in the last few months, until it became clear I couldn't really handle any extra work, particularly admin work. A way of trying to keep me in the business in a different role? I don't know now.

I got my letter from the Jobcentre today, explaining why they'd stopped my ESA.

( Cut for...reasons )

And then on Emmerdale they ( Emmerdale spoilers ). Which I was expecting, since it was the 40th anniversary episode and they made a big deal about how someone was going to die, and it would be someone who was involved in 5 different storylines, which he was, and he's been acting like enough of a dick lately. But still. I didn't actually see most of the episode, I just caught the end, and I'd like to watch it just to see some of the scenes that came before it. But he's been on a downward spiral for months or years now, and even I was starting to lose interest in him. But still. End of an era. And it's making me think back to those early years when I really really loved him. Well. At least my OTP are both on the same side of the afterlife now, I guess.

I just went to look for something on Youtube, and oh my God it's hideous. Well done on continuously changing it and never making it any better, Google.

On the plus side, John Ross from Dallas is pretty, and I love Bioshock 2 and Dishonoured. I've gotten used to the not-killing-anyone thing now. Although still not to the fact that when I change games, the controls are almost completely the opposite.