girlofprey

But anyway. As a palette cleanser from that - I don't think I ever made a New Year's post. What with being in Lancaster and the Red Death and all that. While I was at Jen's we held the Slash Awards 2016, which was quite a nice round up of the year. I would love to post the whole thing, but I'm just really tired, so essentially the results were:

( Slashies 2016 (warning for an underage pairing, also lots of pictures and some blood) )

Emmerdale

I love Ross Barton, and I just want to put flowers in his hair.

- - -

My appointment for an ESA assessment came through, for 15th June. So I guess that's when my benefits will be stopping.

Other things:

• Damn, Johnny Depp.



• I love it when the weather is warm enough that you can just leave your window open all the time, even through the night, and everything smells slightly like outside. I appreciate that I live on a pretty quiet street and other people might not get the joy from it that I do though.

I have been watching Emmerdale recently and I have been enjoying Ross Barton grieving over his dead secret girlfriend and tonight he wore an amazing suit and sat on the edge of her open grave, and then his only friend Debbie came along in a funeral miniskirt and sat on the edge of it with him, and then he got locked in a garage and had to choose between a series of increasingly destructive tools to break the door down with and then he calmly took off his jacket so it would stay clean while he went at the door with an axe and then he explained death to a small child and gave her a hug. IT WAS SO GOOD.

I want terrible things. I want him and Debbie to go on crime sprees together in suits and black miniskirts, and I want something to happen ??? So that he cries in front of Laurel and she gets weird and maternal over him. And I want him to have a past of selling himself on the streets after he ran away, and to have to explain to his gay younger brother that it's not the same as what he does, in any way, and I want him to dive in front of a car to save a child again and get fairly badly hurt, so his dad has to sit beside him at the hospital and look at him with worry but also pride for once, and I want Laurel and Ashley to get back together because I always preferred them to Laurel and Marlon and still do.

I'm not enjoying this week. Which is a shame, because it's barely started.

It's my birthday week too, although I suspect that may be part of the problem. I also have a Jobcentre appointment on Wednesday, a few hours before I normally wake up, and I have an appointment with a service worker dude two hours later, so it's like - if the Jobcentre appointment is weirdly long, which would be dreadful, it might clash, and if not I have to kill time doing nothing before I kill time doing nothing with my service worker dude. But it's the only time he was free, so. Maybe he'd be happy to come to Leeds with me. That's mostly what I want to do on Wednesday.

And then last week I suddenly started CBT therapy, getting a letter a few days before my first appointment. And the man I'm seeing seems super nice, but he's given me this homework which I seem to get every time I have CBT, which is an 'anxiety diary' to fill in, of situations that make me anxious, how I felt about them, what happened to me physically, a different response I could have to it (??), what I did, and how I felt about it later. And I never know how to deal with them, because if I fill it in for every ritual I have, I will literally just be doing rituals and filling in the diary, and probably coming up with rituals for how to fill in the diary. Which this week especially is not really a possibility. It was right at the end of the appointment when he mentioned it and we didn't have time to discuss it, so I don't know if I am meant to fill it in every day, or just one day, or just for every major situation that makes me upset. I haven't been doing it, essentially. I probably will fill in a few entries over the next couple of days. But ???? I'm sure it's really useful, and useful for examining your responses to things, hence why I'm apprehensive about doing it, but uuh. I just never know what to do with them.

And then in between that there is my birthday, and I'll be 29, which is lovely, but nearly 30. But it'll still be my birthday, and I'll feel like I should be enjoying it, but I probably won't, purely because I'll feel like I should. Also we'll be having my YN down. Because we're not going to go upsetting the regular routine for it or anything. We went out to a special different restaurant for Sunday lunch yesterday essentially for my birthday, we would have gone this weekend but it's Mother's Day so who needs that. But mostly my parents seemed to be making some subtle comments about how they didn't really want to, like my dad saying it seemed like a really long way to drive, which is funny because he used to drive all over the country, and my mum saying they have the same chefs as over the road, so we may as well have just gone there like usual. That was a whinge, but I wish they hadn't. It was really nice though. They had parsnips.

Also I have to remember to buy a Mother's Day card.

And the present I have asked for is a PS4 which I'm going halves with them on. Which I've wanted for a while, and will become necessary soon if I want to keep playing console games, but I'm still not finished with my PS3 or its games, and having them both hooked up to the same TV is probably going to be a hassle. I can't have them both hooked up, essentially, because the little TV in the other bedroom only has enough connections for one, and there aren't enough plug sockets in the wall either. Nor enough room to have a bunch of plugs lying loose all over the place because of all the kids toys they don't play with.

Also I have started my period. That might be a lot to do with things. My head feels high and tight.

I was meant to go observe a kickboxing class tonight, in the hopes of going to it soon, but I didn't, I'll leave it till next week. Also I keep waking up at 9am for some reason, when my alarm's not set till 12, and I can't get back to sleep, which isn't helping me not feel tired.

I need to start getting into more fandoms where the bad guys are just jerks, and not actual monsters, because I keep thinking up plotbunnies and then thinking 'Wait. That wouldn't be fun for anyone.' You would think the Legion from Fallout: New Vegas would be a great example, because they're idiots who are trying to be actual ancient Romans and wear feathers on their heads, but unfortunately they're also [trigger warning for rape] [spoilers].

And Kevin's back in Coronation Street, so I have to keep avoiding looking at his face, especially when he talks about how great it is to be back and other people welcome him home with big smiles on their faces. Also they have him living with Jack in a house with Tyrone, who spent the first 6 months or so of the baby's life raising him IN THE SAME HOUSE as his own, what the fuck?

But I love:

• Maria talking to Kirk.


• Maria on a counter.


• David being nice to Roy about sandwiches.


• Maria, Carla and Julie as witches, CAN YOU IMAGINE JULIE AS A WITCH? She would just make flowers grow and mend holes in people's clothes, and give them outfits so they COULD go to the ball. Also she would get to live with Carla and Maria and their babies, and help them raise their babies, and she would be so happy, oh my god.

I wish Ross Barton from Emmerdale would throw himself in front of a car to save a child again, or have another conversation with his dad where he sounds uncharacteristically upset or anxious. Moira is going to do some matchmaking between Chas and James this week, and for a minute I thought the episode description said Ross and James. That was probably tired wishful thinking on my part. But. Someone should do some matchmaking between them. Loving family matchmaking.

Not enough people write fic about Dane Vogel, or even remember he existed, it's the bane of my life.

Blah.