(no subject)

[girlofprey]

So. After an extended situation with Social Services and my ON over the weekend, I'm completely exhausted. I don't feel like I ever relaxed over the weekend, and I remember distinctly thinking on Monday night "It doesn't feel like a Monday - it feels like a Thursday". Like I'd already been working for a whole week. I've been too wound up to go to bed, then too anxious to sleep, and then in the morning to tired to get up. The idea of going back to work tomorrow genuinely makes me want to cry, and I don't know what to do about it, except try and get some sleep tonight.

I did bring myself to ask my manager for some more time off work last week. It wasn't so bad in the end, as I managed to build up to it - he (and I) were back from some time off on the Monday, and at lunchtime the office was full of people so I didn't like bringing it up then, and then he came later and asked how my time off was for me, and I could say then that I needed to speak to him the next day about more time off maybe - so I made sure to bring it up on Monday, but didn't actually have to ask till Tuesday. And I was a little worried about going back to work, but the first Monday I was back was pretty quiet, which made me feel a lot better about the possibility of him saying no to my request at least.

Asking him wasn't great, as it never is when you have to discuss your mental health in a professional capacity, but I managed to get my point across and I think got him to vaguely understand what things are like for me. And then I asked him for two full weeks off, before the end of October - specifically, I asked for 'after the 19th of October', because that's when my train pass runs out, and now you have to buy tickets at stupid machines at the station I don't fancy doing without it for a week, or having to buy a monthly pass and waste the money. At the time I didn't quite realise that was about three weeks away - in some ways I regret that now. But in any case, he said he'd look into it for me, and seems to be genuinely doing that - and even brought up the idea that I might need more time off, if I felt the two weeks weren't enough, which is entirely possible and it's nice that he's kind of prepared for that. But it took him some time to try and arrange it, and yesterday he came to me and said that he was pretty certain he could arrange the second week, and the Wednesday to Friday of the first week, but that he might need me to come in on the Monday and Tuesday of that first week. Which is - so much better than not having any time off at all, but I really felt like I needed that two weeks off, and at the moment I really feel like I need to get the things I ask for, because they are the things that I need, and I don't know what to make of that offer now. I genuinely believe he's just struggling to cover it - apparently a lot of the team are just coincidentally off that week - but it puts me in the position of now having to either suck it up and just go in for those first two days - and it is only two days. But then I've also got to consider how I'm going to feel after the two weeks are up if I didn't get that two weeks I really feel like I need. Or am I going to insist and say "no, I need the time off", and take those days off sick no matter what he says, putting him in a really bad position, and possibly putting myself in a bad position with that job going forward. At the moment, I don't even feel like I'm going to make it to next Friday, or a week on Tuesday or whenever it is, like I might need to take time off before even that. But I don't know. I don't like doing this. I'm just going to have to try to get some sleep tonight and hope that helps me out, and that the weekend helps me out too, and that I just feel better after that. I'm not feeling great right now. I don't really know what to do about it. Other than get some sleep.

Also today at work me and S - the only other person on the team in the office - were discussing our potential building move, and he seemed to think they had a particular building in mind now. It was near the other company our Facilities company helps out with, which is basically the area they'd discussed for a while. But they took me into our other building a while ago to show me more of what our company does, and I genuinely don't remember a reception area except for the one on the ground floor - which will be run by building management, not our Facilities company. So now I'm genuinely wondering if I have a job after the company moves buildings - not that I'm desperate to hang onto this job particularly, but I don't really want the rug pulling out from under my feet. And it's a little bit paranoid, but now I'm genuinely wondering if my manager has been stringing me along, basically, to try to make sure I stayed at this job as long as they needed me, without telling me that maybe I wouldn't be needed after the building move. I don't know. It's another thing to bring up with him maybe, I guess. Maybe I just missed the individual reception areas at the other building when I went there. But I don't think I did. And he has been trying to give me other admin work for the Facilities company in general in the last few months, until it became clear I couldn't really handle any extra work, particularly admin work. A way of trying to keep me in the business in a different role? I don't know now.

Comments

[jekesta]

Could you ask for the Monday Tuesday of the following week off? I know it's not perfect, but at least you'd get two full weeks of time off, and it would mean not having to go back and do a full week, which I this is helpful sometimes to stop dreading going back to work after time off.

Love you lots. x

[girlofprey]

My manager today told me I could have the full two weeks off. He's managed to cover it now. So that's a massive relief, and I don't have to make any further decisions about the whole thing. I also asked him about the new building, and he had absolutely no idea what I was talking about - he had to ask S, just the same as I did. Apparently they announced it in a big business Q&A to the employees a few weeks ago, and since we aren't employees we weren't there, and no-one mentioned it to us. S just heard it from someone in passing. My manager did say he'd been assuming we'd just all move to Manchester though - since their office is growing and ours is just shrinking. Not sure how I was supposed to make that commute, to be honest, if I was supposed to go too. But it's not on the cards anymore, at least for now.

I am in general feeling much much better than I did last night.

[breyzyyin]

I hope that you were able to get those full two weeks off! I also hope things work out with the building move. That's so stressful to not have a clear idea about what might happen in the future, but I would hope that they'd be able to find a way to keep you on. *hugs*

[girlofprey]

I did get the full two weeks, thank you - my manager let me know the day after I made this post. As for the building move, I don't know - my manager had no idea what I was talking about when I brought it up, and knew even less than our colleague did, so none of them can possibly know what the reception requirements will be. As for keeping me on...I guess I have to decide if I even want that, although it'd be good to have the security either way. Employment's become a top priority on my mind of late.