girlofprey

Well.

I just want to crawl away and hide.

I got maybe 2 hours of sleep last night. I toyed with the idea of staying up - till we got the 'all clear' - but decided there wasn't much point since we wouldn't know anything till the morning. I woke up about 5 o'clock, then was just awake till I heard my parents puttering around downstairs. I heard the news on, and knew there would be a clearer idea, and I still wanted to sleep, but after about 10 minutes of waiting tensely I decided to go ask my mum what was happening. She gave me this look, and I knew. Then she gave me a 'it's bad news' face, and I really knew. She said it wasn't over, but not looking good. I laid in bed, trying to get back to sleep, but literally the only way I could keep myself from panicking was by forcibly counting sheep. It turns out I did that for three hours.

I don't know how this happened. I don't know how a day can be so different from the day that came before it.

I'm still trying not to panic. I don't know how people can be so full of hate. I'm still sort of angry and in blaming mode. Who do I blame? Bernie Sanders, a little bit, for the 'Bernie or bust' stuff - people who rely on the apocalypse to convince people they're right often get it. Anyone who voted third party - why? In this election, why? The news, a lot - because the news outlets that aren't outright owned by the right-wing media are generally, these days, a business, and it's in their interests to try to steer people towards disasters, because that makes for better headlines. It's in their interests to pretend serious things aren't that serious, that things like elections are hopeless, that the bad social things that are about to happen aren't that bad. So they can report on it when it all goes wrong. Anyone who voted for Trump obviously, but so many of them are crazy it's really the people who are like "well, he's a bad guy, but I always vote Republican/vote for my wallet" the worst, the actual worst.

( What I'm scared of. Tw for misogyny, murder, rape )

And even outside of that, I'm scared of what effect this is going to have on everyone else. Because every guy, every guy, who feels like grabbing a women's pussy is going to feel validated. Everyone who attacks people of colour or Muslims for having an opinion is going to feel validated. And I want to think "it's for four years, maybe it'll be fine, maybe it'll be over after that", but the truth is that if people don't outright take on right wing ideas, they're going to get used to them again, to allowing them. And we are going to lose progress. At best, we are going to lose progress.

I'm trying to think of any positives. Number one: he's incompetent, and apparently the economy took a nosedive when it even looked like he might win, so he might lose the support of the "we're voting with our wallets" people pretty quick. Although he'll probably just blame the rest of the world for being against America. Number two: when he actually has the job and isn't just speaking at his own rallies, people will probably be less likely to accept him constantly changing his story and not taking any responsibility for anything. Number three: he's such a shill and chases attention so much that anything that is genuinely unpopular with the American people, in practise, is probably something he's going to drop. Unless he gets mad and petty and decides he's just going to do it anyway.

I want to believe this is going to be okay. I want to believe he won't genuinely do anything that bad, this'll just be the 'Donald Trump show' for the next four years, and posing around is going to be good enough for him. But for the next four years, I think I'm going to be constantly waiting for the first nuclear strike. So. Yeah.

First day at work yesterday. In true Halloween fashion, I cut my finger and started bleeding a bunch, had to fill in a Workplace Accident form for the first time in my life. And because we have big screens opposite the main desk playing Sky News all day, I had to watch Donald Trump talk and crow over Hillary. Her latest scandal being - she has an assistant that sends emails.

I can't believe the polls. I just...wish Americans knew what a real evil female politician was like. Like Theresa May, or Margaret Thatcher. Just no, Americans.

Anyway. Work was okay, pretty quiet, as I expected. I didn't have my email address and stuff yet, apparently now because my line manager accidentally only requested it from November 1st, so they couldn't give it to me before then for security reasons. But I should have it by today, and then I can start doing the emails and car parking stuff, and looking on the internet to while away the time. Honestly, boredom might be the biggest problem in that job - I figured I'd read graphic novels while I was there, since they're a little more pick-up-and-put-down-able than a book. But I read 2 massive ones during my shift, completely. I can't really afford to buy 2 every day for work. It was nice to actually get on with reading though. But books might actually be better.

As I expected though, the late evenings are really going to take some getting used to. The security guard who was taking over from me got there a few minutes early and was nice enough to let me go for my train, so I managed to get the 19:12 one, but even then I don't get home until about 8 o'clock. By the time I've had dinner, it's 9 o'clock. I watch a couple of Youtube videos and it's bedtime. I'm up now, and I only really have 2 hours till I need to leave for work. I mean, I knew spending 25 hours of my week working - plus travelling to and from - was going to mean I had less time for everything else, but it's different to actually be doing it. If I end up getting the 8 o'clock train most nights, it's only going to be worse. Should probably bring my PS Vita to play in the station if I get stuck. But anyway, at least I'm working. And earning.

Eventually, anyway. At the moment I'm so broke my mum had to transfer some money into my account just so my direct debit for kickboxing didn't make me go overdrawn. I was planning to buy some new work clothes, but that's on hold for the moment. Plus the fact I'm probably going to have to sort out and pay for my new railcard before the current one runs out, which will probably be before I get my first paycheck. Unless I just pay the individual fares until I get paid. There's so much to think about. I probably am going to have to transfer some money from my ISA though. Plus I'm meant to be buying/building a PC at some point. Still, I am happy to be earning and working though, and I'm happy that the job's going well.

(I couldn't figure out the phones, and first I ignored a call because I thought the girl who trained me said we didn't really do much with the phones, and then I answered a call and couldn't figure out how to transfer it, so I kept them on hold for about three minutes. But I'm pretty sure that guy was trying to sell something to one of our executives. And he never called back. So maybe it was fine. Everything went pretty smoothly after that.)

I was due a period two weeks ago, and it hasn't happened yet. Probably due to the stress I felt after starting Jobseeker's, since fucking with my monthly schedule due to stress is something my body loves to do. I think it may be here now though, due to the sheer physical discomfort I'm in? While I'd be glad to get it out of the way before my trip to London next week to see my friends, it might get in the way of the cinema trip I'm meant to be making tonight with my dad, the Jobseeker's appointment I'm meant to be having tomorrow, and the fact I need to go through to Leeds again, also tomorrow, to take some more documents for my DBS check. Ugh.

I tried to watch highlights of the presidential debate last night, and I do like hearing Hilary Clinton speak, but it meant I also had to heard Donald Trump speak and have people act like they were taking him seriously, so I could not. I hope she did well though.

ETA: My period is definitely here.