(no subject)

Got my ESA assessment in 45 minutes - 15:15 on the 15th - and the pain from my stomach cramps is starting to kick in. Already took a naproxen earlier so I can't take them. Might have to take some paracetamol. Don't know what they'd think to me trying to cancel it at this stage, or trying to cancel it at all without a doctor's note or something. If I go and am obviously in pain though, maybe she'll have sympathy. I still don't really know what I'm going to say. I haven't prepared in any way. Partly because I've just been thinking about video games and E3 this week, but still. I think the point is: do I feel ready to work? Yes. Do I feel ready to work a really soul-crushing job, if that's all that's available? I don't know. Do I feel ready to support myself by working? No, not really.

But it doesn't need to be that bad. I just realised yesterday when I picked up a new prescription that if I'm not on benefits anymore, I'll need to pay for prescriptions and dental work. Which is another reason to go on Jobseeker's, much as I don't like that idea. But the last time I was on it, just before I applied for ESA, I told the Jobcentre about my ESA and got put with a disability advisor, who was lovely, and there was a lot less pressure. I don't if that will still be available, after so many years under a Conservative government, but there are definitely disability workers available, because that's who I see for my ESA check-ins. And maybe they'll actually help me get the kind of job I want. So who knows?

I'm also meant to be having kickboxing later, but I don't know. I'm meant to be resting my foot, still, and kickboxing isn't really the way to go about it. But I've not been going for walks, also to rest it, and I was so out of shape during the session last week, I don't really want to let it slip. I said I'd go tonight, but that was only because gradings are this Saturday, and they wanted to discuss some changes about that with me. But I don't think I'm going to the grading - I think that would be a step too far, with the foot, and being out of shape at the moment, I don't even know how I'd do. The only thing is that the next set of gradings will probably be at the end of August - when I might be at the Insomnia festival with my parents and nephew. So I might be waiting a long time for my next chance to go up a belt. So there's just tonight. And now the pain from my period's kicking in, I think maybe it isn't such a good idea. It's just frustrating. To have things getting in the way of doing it, and never knowing if I'm not just making excuses.

(no subject)

And then my assessment didn't happen.

I took the paracetamol, but I was still feeling really rough by the time I got to the office. In a fair amount of pain and a little bit spacey, and I felt a little sick when I got into the stuffy waiting room. I wasn't sure if they wouldn't rearrange the appointment just for that, to be honest, since they clearly weren't going to get an assessment with me in top form and focused. But as soon as I got there, the woman at the desk said "there's a bit of a delay, do you mind waiting?". I find waiting while I'm feeling rubbish pretty unpleasant, so I asked how long the wait might be, and she just said 'why don't you wait for a bit, and then if you're uncomfortable waiting any longer we can make you another appointment?'. I waited for about 20 minutes, and then she called me back over and said the woman I was due to see probably wouldn't be available for another 40 minutes, so would I like another appointment? I said yes I would. Then she called up the appointments people, and their system was down, so I guess they weren't having a great day overall. So I'm just going to get another appointment in the post, and she said rearranging wouldn't count against me or anything, because the delay was their fault. So. I could be having an assessment on Friday, or in 3 weeks time. I just don't know. But it's still pending.