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Nov. 26th, 2016 08:50 pmSnapped at my mum like a jerk yesterday. I was running late to get my train and getting frustrated with myself. I apologised by text as soon as I could, and she was lovely about it, but still not a great thing to have done. I've been running around so much lately trying to do all the things I want to do, I ended up not really giving myself any time to think. Although I was also trying to avoid thinking, in case all the stuff I'm doing now made me too anxious, if I gave myself time to think about it.
I'm still worrying about how much time I've got, and work got a little frustrating this week. My main boss is on holiday, and I'm starting to get a few mixed messages about what I'm supposed to be doing. I've got a bunch of notes about all the stuff I'll be asked to do, but half of the information is outdated and wrong, and when I forget to do something, because I don't really recognise anyone, there's not really much of a way for me to chase it up and sort it out. I know it's probably fine, and to be expected in my first few weeks on a job, but it's still frustrating, and I get a little paranoid about how everyone thinks I'm doing. It's just weird when so much of your job is sitting around - when someone does ask you to do something or you do need to something and you don't get it right, it just feels really rubbish.
And I've been worrying about money lately. Which is sort of ridiculous, because I'm fine, and probably not going to run out any time soon. But I'm getting paid for the first time next week - yay! - and I had a lot of ideas about what I was going to do with my first paycheque. And they didn't really involve having to pay off all the stuff I'd already spent 'until I get paid'. To be honest, it's this PC build that's throwing me. When I first started it I figured I'd spend about £1000 on it, and I took that much out of my savings - but the list of parts I was getting always came to a bit more than that, and like I say I was spending stuff 'until I get paid' so I don't even have the full £1000 anymore - a lot of it was stuff I needed, like work clothes. But still. I've got a CPU and a case so far, but I know if I bought all the rest of the stuff on my list it would clear out my bank account right now. So I'm just sort of stuck at home, on a netbook that runs pretty slowly - including for things like googling and buying new computer parts - feeling like I should be getting on with buying parts so I can have a new computer but not really feeling like I can get on with it. And to be honest, my list doesn't even cover peripherals - little things like a screen and a keyboard. That's going to come to another couple of hundred at least. I'm thinking of asking my parents to get me a gaming mouse for Christmas. And again - I probably have the money, especially after I get paid, and whatever's going on with the tax credits. I guess I just...figured when I was started getting paid I'd feel more in control of my money. And I sort of don't. Every time I buy a takeaway, just because I feel like it, or I buy a new comic book to read at work, I feel completely out of control. And then I need to get a new train pass, this week, and as far as I can tell none of my options are really going to be any cheaper than just paying the fare every day, and Christmas is coming up, and arghfk. I need to sit down and really look at it, I guess. And I need to bite the bullet and just start buying computer parts. Especially when I get paid.
I always knew this was going to be the hardest part of going back to work. The part just after it's all fresh and new, and I can expect/give myself some leeway for things because I'm new to them, but before I get so used to it it's almost second nature. This was always the sort of time I used to really struggle with OCD and developing new rituals to feel okay about things. Right now I'm trying to resist that while also staying sort of organised.
Also, it could well be my hormones. I finally stopped bleeding this week, but in the end my period lasted three and a half weeks, so for all I know I'm due another one. Or maybe I'll have a nice long period of PMT for a bit. At least I did eventually stop bleeding though, so hopefully it's settling down a bit.
Life is hard.
I'm still worrying about how much time I've got, and work got a little frustrating this week. My main boss is on holiday, and I'm starting to get a few mixed messages about what I'm supposed to be doing. I've got a bunch of notes about all the stuff I'll be asked to do, but half of the information is outdated and wrong, and when I forget to do something, because I don't really recognise anyone, there's not really much of a way for me to chase it up and sort it out. I know it's probably fine, and to be expected in my first few weeks on a job, but it's still frustrating, and I get a little paranoid about how everyone thinks I'm doing. It's just weird when so much of your job is sitting around - when someone does ask you to do something or you do need to something and you don't get it right, it just feels really rubbish.
And I've been worrying about money lately. Which is sort of ridiculous, because I'm fine, and probably not going to run out any time soon. But I'm getting paid for the first time next week - yay! - and I had a lot of ideas about what I was going to do with my first paycheque. And they didn't really involve having to pay off all the stuff I'd already spent 'until I get paid'. To be honest, it's this PC build that's throwing me. When I first started it I figured I'd spend about £1000 on it, and I took that much out of my savings - but the list of parts I was getting always came to a bit more than that, and like I say I was spending stuff 'until I get paid' so I don't even have the full £1000 anymore - a lot of it was stuff I needed, like work clothes. But still. I've got a CPU and a case so far, but I know if I bought all the rest of the stuff on my list it would clear out my bank account right now. So I'm just sort of stuck at home, on a netbook that runs pretty slowly - including for things like googling and buying new computer parts - feeling like I should be getting on with buying parts so I can have a new computer but not really feeling like I can get on with it. And to be honest, my list doesn't even cover peripherals - little things like a screen and a keyboard. That's going to come to another couple of hundred at least. I'm thinking of asking my parents to get me a gaming mouse for Christmas. And again - I probably have the money, especially after I get paid, and whatever's going on with the tax credits. I guess I just...figured when I was started getting paid I'd feel more in control of my money. And I sort of don't. Every time I buy a takeaway, just because I feel like it, or I buy a new comic book to read at work, I feel completely out of control. And then I need to get a new train pass, this week, and as far as I can tell none of my options are really going to be any cheaper than just paying the fare every day, and Christmas is coming up, and arghfk. I need to sit down and really look at it, I guess. And I need to bite the bullet and just start buying computer parts. Especially when I get paid.
I always knew this was going to be the hardest part of going back to work. The part just after it's all fresh and new, and I can expect/give myself some leeway for things because I'm new to them, but before I get so used to it it's almost second nature. This was always the sort of time I used to really struggle with OCD and developing new rituals to feel okay about things. Right now I'm trying to resist that while also staying sort of organised.
Also, it could well be my hormones. I finally stopped bleeding this week, but in the end my period lasted three and a half weeks, so for all I know I'm due another one. Or maybe I'll have a nice long period of PMT for a bit. At least I did eventually stop bleeding though, so hopefully it's settling down a bit.
Life is hard.
