SoS fic: Losing It
Feb. 20th, 2006 01:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
girlofpreyOh - also I wrote some fic. Which I'm actually pretty pleased with :)
Title: Losing It
Fandom: Sea of Souls, Craig/Wade
Rating: PG, for some strong language.
Disclaimer: I love them, but I don't own them.
Notes: Probably some blatant disregard for hospital procedure, and visiting hours. Um - character death?
Feedback: Much appreciated.
Wordcount: 2,984 (personal best!)
Summary: Wade dies in the hospital, not at the castle. Craig is with him. Because sometimes canon isn't good enough. And because![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jekesta insisted.
When they’d finished running their preliminary tests on Chloe – when the doctors were all standing around talking in bewildered, hopeful voices, and Chloe’s mum was breathing out laughter and clinging to Chloe’s father, who was stood almost speechless, hardly daring to believe – and when they’d finished checking his leg and given him a crutch to walk with, Craig quietly slipped away from them all. There was someone he needed to see. It took a while, with the crutch. And the fact that all hospital corridors looked the same to him. But he persevered, as usual, and eventually got where he was going.
The room was incredibly still. And almost silent apart from the beeping of the machines. He suddenly stopped just inside the door, as it swished shut behind him, unsure of his next move. Not entirely sure why he was there at all.
Wade looked very ill.
For a few minutes, he just stood, and stared at him.
He’d thought Wade was dead in the castle. Though he hadn’t been able to make himself crawl over and check. Oddly, he hadn’t been able to make himself leave either. But the paramedics had found a pulse, faint but steady, and gently rolled him onto a stretcher. Craig remembered sagging back against the cold stone wall as someone put their hand on his arm, asking him where it hurt.
For a wild moment, he’d almost asked to go in the ambulance with Wade, but he’d held his tongue just in time. He waited with Chloe’s family until they got the results, and let the doctors patch him up. But now he was here.
It seemed like someone ought to be.
Wade’s eyes suddenly started to flicker open. Craig froze, and held his breath. Wade stirred under the crisp hospital sheets, then opened his eyes fully, and slowly turned his head toward the door.
Craig’s heart was racing, for some reason, but when Wade saw him, he just sort of smiled. As if he’d been expecting him.
Wade just looked at him for a minute, then swallowed slowly.
“ How’s Chloe? ” he rasped.
Craig licked his lips, and jerked forward a few steps. Wade’s eyes flicked down to the crutch, briefly, but he didn’t say anything. Craig came over to the side of the bed, and looked down at him.
The machines continued to beep, in the background.
“ She’s fine, ” he said. Then almost laughed. “ She’s better than fine. ”
He met Wade’s eyes again, but they didn’t say anything.
Silence reigned again, briefly.
“ Look, ” Craig suddenly said, abruptly. “ Look, do you want me to call someone for you? Your wife? Your daughter? ”
Wade was already shaking his head, slightly. Not that Craig ever gave up that easily.
“ They’re not that far away - ”
“ No, ” Wade said, firmly, fixing him with a look. But not for long. “ Leave them where they are, ” he breathed, settling back down.
Which is what Craig had been expecting, really, but he still stared down at him, helplessly.
“ You shouldn’t be on your own, ” he insisted quietly.
Wade smiled again, closing his eyes.
“ I’m not alone, ” he whispered, and then went still again, leaving Craig to just stare at him. Helpless.
* * *
Three hours later, he was sat in a chair beside the bed, his crutch propped against the wall. Watching Wade, and waiting.
He still didn’t entirely know why he was there. But he couldn’t seem to find it in himself to walk away. Couldn’t actually imagine it. And it was silly, because Wade probably wanted to be left in peace, and he didn’t have any right (or reason) to be there anyway. And there was nothing he could do. And Wade probably wouldn’t want him there, of all people. But the thing was that Wade was dying. And it seemed like someone ought to be there. Even him.
And besides.
It probably wouldn’t be for very long.
A noise from the door suddenly shook him out of his thoughts. He turned to see Locke at the glass, looking in at him curiously.
Which was – probably only going to make things more complicated.
He glanced at John. Still asleep. He grabbed his crutch and quietly hobbled over to the now-open door.
“ Hey, ” Locke said, softly, when he got there. “ I’ve been looking all over for you. Have you been here all this time? ”
Craig didn’t even try to explain.
“ How’s Chloe? ” he asked.
“ Great. ” Locke almost grinned. “ They’ve run some tests, and they think – well, they think there’s been some definite positive improvement, to say the least. They’ll have to wait for the scans to come back to be sure, of course, but – they’re very confused, and very, very happy. ”
Craig nodded, tiredly. He was glad.
He looked back into the room, at Wade on the bed. Locke looked with him.
“ How is he? ”
“ Dying. ”
It came out before even he realised it. Locke shot him a look, but then just nodded, and looked back into the room.
“ Have you called his family? ”
“ He doesn’t want them called. He wants to leave them alone. ”
Locke nodded again. Then narrowed his eyes.
“ Have they done any tests? ” he asked. Carefully. “ Do they know what he’s dying of? ”
And Craig just looked at him, because –
(We know what he’s dying of)
“ They know enough, ” he said. A little shortly. “ They know he’s dying, and that it won’t be – very long. They’ve made him comfortable, and that’s all they can do, really. ”
Locke stared into the room for a minute longer, then nodded one final time, and turned away.
“ Come on, ” he said, inclining his head. “ I’ll drive you home. You can’t drive with that leg. ” He was already moving away before Craig could say –
“ No. ” Almost instinctively.
Then, a little more calmly: “ No. I think I’ll stay. ”
Locke stopped, and looked at him, surprised. Then a little concerned. He glanced back at the nearly empty room, then back at Craig.
“ Craig. ” His voice was still hushed, but he was serious, and his eyes were almost boring into Craig’s. “ You know there’s nothing you can do? ”
“ I know. ”
“ You should go home and get some sleep. The doctors will take care of him. ”
“ I’ll have plenty of time for sleep when – ” He broke off, meeting Locke’s eyes. “ When… ” He trailed off again.
Why was he staying, anyway?
He felt really incredibly small all of a sudden. His hand tightened, just a little, on the door handle.
But he held the look Locke was giving him.
“ So, you’re going to stay with him ‘til..? ”
Craig swallowed. Heavily.
“ Aye, ” he said. “ ‘Til… ”
Locke looked at him for another long moment – and then nodded, slowly.
Craig let out a breath, shaky for some reason. He felt like he’d won a battle. Or something.
“ I’ll come back in the morning, ” Locke said, quietly, still looking at him.
Craig nodded, gratefully. Though he was trying not to think about the next morning. Locke looked at him for another moment, then turned to go. He glanced back at Craig, every now and then, until he was out of sight.
When he was gone, Craig sighed heavily, and turned back into the room. The room of beeping, and silence. The room where Wade was going to die.
Wade was watching him from the bed. His expression unreadable. Craig deliberately avoided his gaze as he made his way to the chair, and sat back down. Neither of them said anything for a minute.
Then:
“ You can run some more tests if you want. ” His voice was still hoarse, but he sounded really fucking amused.
Craig jerked round to stare at him, but he just looked back with another one of those faint, infuriating smiles.
“ No more bloody tests, ” he hissed, when he found words again, feeling really incredibly raw all of a sudden, and really really angry.
Wade just smiled at him.
They sat in silence for another minute or so, before Wade broke eye contact. Still smiling.
After a second, he gently jerked his head at the door.
“ Has he gone then? For good? ”
Not sounding quite so amused anymore.
Craig’s anger fizzled out. He sat back in the chair.
“ Yeah, ” he replied, after a moment. “ He’s gone. ”
Wade looked at him.
“ It’s just you and me then, ” he said, quietly.
Craig’s throat was dry, suddenly.
“ Yeah, ” he said. “ Just you and me. ”
* * *
Wade drifted in and out of consciousness as the night went on. They’d let him stay – he didn’t know why they’d let him stay – but they’d turned the lights out. It was awfully, horribly quiet. And his leg hurt, but he didn’t think they’d appreciate him wandering around asking for painkillers. He stayed in the room. Talked, every now and then, and watched as Wade faded out more and more often, for longer and longer.
God.
He’d always hated hospitals.
It was about 2:30 when Wade next opened his eyes, staring aimlessly at the ceiling for a moment. There was moonlight and streetlight from the window, and Craig could see well enough. He sat up.
Wade turned to Craig, and smiled, again.
“ Still here? ” His voice was rough, but his laughter was soft. He swallowed. “ Is this what it always takes for you to be nice to people? ”
And Craig must have let some of that show on his face, because Wade lost some of the smile.
“ Sorry. ”
Craig shook his head.
“ How are you feeling? ” he asked.
Wade swallowed thickly, wincing.
“ Not too great. ”
“ Do you want some water? ” He looked to the bedside cabinet for the tray, jug, glasses. “ Wade? ”
Wade was shaking his head. He settled back into his seat – and then suddenly, briefly, felt like laughing.
“ Your name isn’t even Wade, ” he said, smiling. It hurt a little, for some reason. “ It’s Brian. Brian McCormack ”
Wade closed his eyes.
“ Call me John, ” he said.
Craig looked at him. It wasn’t important, really, but…the silence always seemed somehow more oppressive when Wade was awake.
“ Why not Brian? It’s your name. Your real name. You don’t exactly need to keep up your secret identity now. ”
“ It’s not how you think of me, ” was the simple, pointed reply. “ No sense in making things complicated now. ”
He paused.
“ Besides… ” he continued. A little more darkly. “ I’m not him anymore. ”
Craig looked at him, and then off to one side. Trying to think of something else.
“ I bet you don’t know my name, ” he suddenly said, looking at him. “ Not my second name, anyway. Hardly anyone uses it… ”
But Wade was nodding slightly from his pillow, smiling a little.
“ Yeah, I do, " he said. " The radio show, remember? ‘Dr Craig Stevenson’. Dr Stevenson. Dr Craig Stevenson. ” He paused again, and looked over at him, in the faint darkness. A patch of streetlight illuminating his face.
“ Craig Stevenson, ” he said.
Craig held the look. Eventually Wade turned away again, back to the ceiling. He was quiet for a while, and Craig was almost convinced he’d drifted away again when he suddenly took a breath.
“ I wanted to die at the Castle. ”
And Craig’s insides went ice-cold.
And what precisely was he supposed to say to that?
“ I know, ” he decided on, lamely.
Wade didn’t look at him. He stared up at the ceiling for another minute.
“ I wanted to die with Emma. ”
Craig stared at him in the darkness.
He didn’t believe in ghosts, of course. But…
“ Is she not – here? ” he finally asked. Softly.
Wade was quiet for a moment, and then sighed, deeply.
“ No, ” he said, “ she’s not here. ” He looked over at Craig. “ You’re here. ”
And what he really didn’t need right now, on top of everything else, was to feel awkward, self-conscious. Useless.
“ Is that – ” he started, abruptly, after a second. “ Is that – alright? ”
Stupid, stupid, stupid. And he shouldn’t be here. He shouldn’t be here…
Wade just looked at him, in the faint darkness. Eyes searching. Unfathomable.
“ Aye, ” he finally said, softly. His voice very faint now. “ That’s alright. ”
* * *
More hours went by, seamless, dreamlike. The night drawing almost to a close. Craig felt sleep hovering over him like a vulture, but he didn’t let himself sleep. He kept his eyes fixed on Wade, on the bed.
It was at about 5:15 that it finally happened.
Wade was lying still, then suddenly opened his eyes wide, and sucked in a deep breath. Like he was dying.
Craig was on his feet before he realised it, and his leg almost gave out under him. He probably swore, but he didn’t remember it. He managed to fall towards the bed and catch himself on the side, lean on it. Hold himself up. He stared down at Wade. His skin was prickling like it didn’t belong to him.
Wade’s eyes rolled wildly for a second, and then focussed on him. And he smiled.
“ I think we’re about to put on a show, ” he forced out.
And even though he’d been waiting for it, waiting all night, Craig suddenly felt dizzy.
“ Now? ” he whispered.
“ Aye. ” Wade nodded, closing his eyes. “ Now. ”
Craig’s heart sort of – twisted – in his chest, and he could have cried, he could, but really – what would have been the point?
He wanted to say things, suddenly. A lot of things. Things he needed to say, and why for God’s sake hadn’t he said them before? God…
“ Wade – ” he said. His own voice hoarse now. “ – Wade – I’m sorry I didn’t trust you, and I’m sorry I didn’t believe in you, and I’m sorry – I’m sorry – ”
" It’s alright. ” Wade was laughing again, faintly. He looked up at him, his head limp now on the pillow. “ It’s alright. ” For a moment he just sort of caught his breath, staring up at him. “ It’d have taken you years to figure out, anyway. ”
He smiled again, and then suddenly closed his eyes, the smile twisting into a grimace.
“ I’m glad you’re here, ” he ground out.
Craig felt like his head was literally ready to go spinning off, at any moment, except that it was held down. Trapped. He’d taken Wade’s hand at some point, and not realised it.
“ Wade, ” he said. “ – Brian – John – ”
Wade squeezed his eyelids suddenly, and his throat sort of – convulsed. There were odd noises in the background. There was someone next to him – a nurse. Moving very quickly. There were other people too. Someone tugging his arm, insistent. He felt the hand in his clutch jerkily. Wade’s eyes opened, wide, fixed. His mouth opened to let out a deep, harsh breath.
He was moving away from the bed. His crutch was in his hand. Someone was saying something he couldn’t understand. He was through the room doors, very softly, very gently. He was standing in the corridor, watching through the glass as the doctors ran around, called for things, bent over him.
And then, slowly, stopped running around. Straightened up. Stared down at the bed.
Looked up at the clock.
His leg really, really hurt all of a sudden, and he hobbled to a grey plastic chair, just behind him, and sat down.
The doctors and nurses all slowly filed out of the room.
...And that was it.
* * *
He sat in the corridor for hours without realising it. Life carried on as normal around him. No-one spoke to him. He heard the doors swing, the people walking in and out of the room. Calmly, now.
He didn’t feel very calm.
He felt like he’d lost something he didn’t entirely know how to name. The ground felt oddly incomplete beneath him.
And he didn’t know what to do.
He heard footsteps near him, suddenly. They slowed, and then stopped. He looked up to see Locke looking down at him. Almost warily.
He looked back, silent.
Locke seemed on the verge of saying something, then looked up, into the room. Then back down at Craig.
“ Is it over? ” he asked, quietly.
And something seemed to breathe through Craig at the question. Not quite happiness, or even relief, but the nameless load seemed to lift, a little. Because yes. It was.
He grasped for his crutch.
“ Yeah, ” he said, sitting up. He glanced back at the room, briefly.
“ Yeah, it’s over. ”
He stood up, on his own. Locke didn’t make a move towards him, but when he started off down the corridor, fell into step beside him.
A vague light came in through the windows. The sky had lightened to grey while he hadn’t been watching. He squinted through the glass, with all the attention he could spare from managing the crutch.
He could almost see the sun, hiding away behind the clouds.
He made it out of the hospital, on his own. Down to the carpark. And he let Locke take him home.
Cross-posted to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
slashysouls.
It's really awfully cold lately.
Title: Losing It
Fandom: Sea of Souls, Craig/Wade
Rating: PG, for some strong language.
Disclaimer: I love them, but I don't own them.
Notes: Probably some blatant disregard for hospital procedure, and visiting hours. Um - character death?
Feedback: Much appreciated.
Wordcount: 2,984 (personal best!)
Summary: Wade dies in the hospital, not at the castle. Craig is with him. Because sometimes canon isn't good enough. And because
jekesta insisted.When they’d finished running their preliminary tests on Chloe – when the doctors were all standing around talking in bewildered, hopeful voices, and Chloe’s mum was breathing out laughter and clinging to Chloe’s father, who was stood almost speechless, hardly daring to believe – and when they’d finished checking his leg and given him a crutch to walk with, Craig quietly slipped away from them all. There was someone he needed to see. It took a while, with the crutch. And the fact that all hospital corridors looked the same to him. But he persevered, as usual, and eventually got where he was going.
The room was incredibly still. And almost silent apart from the beeping of the machines. He suddenly stopped just inside the door, as it swished shut behind him, unsure of his next move. Not entirely sure why he was there at all.
Wade looked very ill.
For a few minutes, he just stood, and stared at him.
He’d thought Wade was dead in the castle. Though he hadn’t been able to make himself crawl over and check. Oddly, he hadn’t been able to make himself leave either. But the paramedics had found a pulse, faint but steady, and gently rolled him onto a stretcher. Craig remembered sagging back against the cold stone wall as someone put their hand on his arm, asking him where it hurt.
For a wild moment, he’d almost asked to go in the ambulance with Wade, but he’d held his tongue just in time. He waited with Chloe’s family until they got the results, and let the doctors patch him up. But now he was here.
It seemed like someone ought to be.
Wade’s eyes suddenly started to flicker open. Craig froze, and held his breath. Wade stirred under the crisp hospital sheets, then opened his eyes fully, and slowly turned his head toward the door.
Craig’s heart was racing, for some reason, but when Wade saw him, he just sort of smiled. As if he’d been expecting him.
Wade just looked at him for a minute, then swallowed slowly.
“ How’s Chloe? ” he rasped.
Craig licked his lips, and jerked forward a few steps. Wade’s eyes flicked down to the crutch, briefly, but he didn’t say anything. Craig came over to the side of the bed, and looked down at him.
The machines continued to beep, in the background.
“ She’s fine, ” he said. Then almost laughed. “ She’s better than fine. ”
He met Wade’s eyes again, but they didn’t say anything.
Silence reigned again, briefly.
“ Look, ” Craig suddenly said, abruptly. “ Look, do you want me to call someone for you? Your wife? Your daughter? ”
Wade was already shaking his head, slightly. Not that Craig ever gave up that easily.
“ They’re not that far away - ”
“ No, ” Wade said, firmly, fixing him with a look. But not for long. “ Leave them where they are, ” he breathed, settling back down.
Which is what Craig had been expecting, really, but he still stared down at him, helplessly.
“ You shouldn’t be on your own, ” he insisted quietly.
Wade smiled again, closing his eyes.
“ I’m not alone, ” he whispered, and then went still again, leaving Craig to just stare at him. Helpless.
* * *
Three hours later, he was sat in a chair beside the bed, his crutch propped against the wall. Watching Wade, and waiting.
He still didn’t entirely know why he was there. But he couldn’t seem to find it in himself to walk away. Couldn’t actually imagine it. And it was silly, because Wade probably wanted to be left in peace, and he didn’t have any right (or reason) to be there anyway. And there was nothing he could do. And Wade probably wouldn’t want him there, of all people. But the thing was that Wade was dying. And it seemed like someone ought to be there. Even him.
And besides.
It probably wouldn’t be for very long.
A noise from the door suddenly shook him out of his thoughts. He turned to see Locke at the glass, looking in at him curiously.
Which was – probably only going to make things more complicated.
He glanced at John. Still asleep. He grabbed his crutch and quietly hobbled over to the now-open door.
“ Hey, ” Locke said, softly, when he got there. “ I’ve been looking all over for you. Have you been here all this time? ”
Craig didn’t even try to explain.
“ How’s Chloe? ” he asked.
“ Great. ” Locke almost grinned. “ They’ve run some tests, and they think – well, they think there’s been some definite positive improvement, to say the least. They’ll have to wait for the scans to come back to be sure, of course, but – they’re very confused, and very, very happy. ”
Craig nodded, tiredly. He was glad.
He looked back into the room, at Wade on the bed. Locke looked with him.
“ How is he? ”
“ Dying. ”
It came out before even he realised it. Locke shot him a look, but then just nodded, and looked back into the room.
“ Have you called his family? ”
“ He doesn’t want them called. He wants to leave them alone. ”
Locke nodded again. Then narrowed his eyes.
“ Have they done any tests? ” he asked. Carefully. “ Do they know what he’s dying of? ”
And Craig just looked at him, because –
(We know what he’s dying of)
“ They know enough, ” he said. A little shortly. “ They know he’s dying, and that it won’t be – very long. They’ve made him comfortable, and that’s all they can do, really. ”
Locke stared into the room for a minute longer, then nodded one final time, and turned away.
“ Come on, ” he said, inclining his head. “ I’ll drive you home. You can’t drive with that leg. ” He was already moving away before Craig could say –
“ No. ” Almost instinctively.
Then, a little more calmly: “ No. I think I’ll stay. ”
Locke stopped, and looked at him, surprised. Then a little concerned. He glanced back at the nearly empty room, then back at Craig.
“ Craig. ” His voice was still hushed, but he was serious, and his eyes were almost boring into Craig’s. “ You know there’s nothing you can do? ”
“ I know. ”
“ You should go home and get some sleep. The doctors will take care of him. ”
“ I’ll have plenty of time for sleep when – ” He broke off, meeting Locke’s eyes. “ When… ” He trailed off again.
Why was he staying, anyway?
He felt really incredibly small all of a sudden. His hand tightened, just a little, on the door handle.
But he held the look Locke was giving him.
“ So, you’re going to stay with him ‘til..? ”
Craig swallowed. Heavily.
“ Aye, ” he said. “ ‘Til… ”
Locke looked at him for another long moment – and then nodded, slowly.
Craig let out a breath, shaky for some reason. He felt like he’d won a battle. Or something.
“ I’ll come back in the morning, ” Locke said, quietly, still looking at him.
Craig nodded, gratefully. Though he was trying not to think about the next morning. Locke looked at him for another moment, then turned to go. He glanced back at Craig, every now and then, until he was out of sight.
When he was gone, Craig sighed heavily, and turned back into the room. The room of beeping, and silence. The room where Wade was going to die.
Wade was watching him from the bed. His expression unreadable. Craig deliberately avoided his gaze as he made his way to the chair, and sat back down. Neither of them said anything for a minute.
Then:
“ You can run some more tests if you want. ” His voice was still hoarse, but he sounded really fucking amused.
Craig jerked round to stare at him, but he just looked back with another one of those faint, infuriating smiles.
“ No more bloody tests, ” he hissed, when he found words again, feeling really incredibly raw all of a sudden, and really really angry.
Wade just smiled at him.
They sat in silence for another minute or so, before Wade broke eye contact. Still smiling.
After a second, he gently jerked his head at the door.
“ Has he gone then? For good? ”
Not sounding quite so amused anymore.
Craig’s anger fizzled out. He sat back in the chair.
“ Yeah, ” he replied, after a moment. “ He’s gone. ”
Wade looked at him.
“ It’s just you and me then, ” he said, quietly.
Craig’s throat was dry, suddenly.
“ Yeah, ” he said. “ Just you and me. ”
* * *
Wade drifted in and out of consciousness as the night went on. They’d let him stay – he didn’t know why they’d let him stay – but they’d turned the lights out. It was awfully, horribly quiet. And his leg hurt, but he didn’t think they’d appreciate him wandering around asking for painkillers. He stayed in the room. Talked, every now and then, and watched as Wade faded out more and more often, for longer and longer.
God.
He’d always hated hospitals.
It was about 2:30 when Wade next opened his eyes, staring aimlessly at the ceiling for a moment. There was moonlight and streetlight from the window, and Craig could see well enough. He sat up.
Wade turned to Craig, and smiled, again.
“ Still here? ” His voice was rough, but his laughter was soft. He swallowed. “ Is this what it always takes for you to be nice to people? ”
And Craig must have let some of that show on his face, because Wade lost some of the smile.
“ Sorry. ”
Craig shook his head.
“ How are you feeling? ” he asked.
Wade swallowed thickly, wincing.
“ Not too great. ”
“ Do you want some water? ” He looked to the bedside cabinet for the tray, jug, glasses. “ Wade? ”
Wade was shaking his head. He settled back into his seat – and then suddenly, briefly, felt like laughing.
“ Your name isn’t even Wade, ” he said, smiling. It hurt a little, for some reason. “ It’s Brian. Brian McCormack ”
Wade closed his eyes.
“ Call me John, ” he said.
Craig looked at him. It wasn’t important, really, but…the silence always seemed somehow more oppressive when Wade was awake.
“ Why not Brian? It’s your name. Your real name. You don’t exactly need to keep up your secret identity now. ”
“ It’s not how you think of me, ” was the simple, pointed reply. “ No sense in making things complicated now. ”
He paused.
“ Besides… ” he continued. A little more darkly. “ I’m not him anymore. ”
Craig looked at him, and then off to one side. Trying to think of something else.
“ I bet you don’t know my name, ” he suddenly said, looking at him. “ Not my second name, anyway. Hardly anyone uses it… ”
But Wade was nodding slightly from his pillow, smiling a little.
“ Yeah, I do, " he said. " The radio show, remember? ‘Dr Craig Stevenson’. Dr Stevenson. Dr Craig Stevenson. ” He paused again, and looked over at him, in the faint darkness. A patch of streetlight illuminating his face.
“ Craig Stevenson, ” he said.
Craig held the look. Eventually Wade turned away again, back to the ceiling. He was quiet for a while, and Craig was almost convinced he’d drifted away again when he suddenly took a breath.
“ I wanted to die at the Castle. ”
And Craig’s insides went ice-cold.
And what precisely was he supposed to say to that?
“ I know, ” he decided on, lamely.
Wade didn’t look at him. He stared up at the ceiling for another minute.
“ I wanted to die with Emma. ”
Craig stared at him in the darkness.
He didn’t believe in ghosts, of course. But…
“ Is she not – here? ” he finally asked. Softly.
Wade was quiet for a moment, and then sighed, deeply.
“ No, ” he said, “ she’s not here. ” He looked over at Craig. “ You’re here. ”
And what he really didn’t need right now, on top of everything else, was to feel awkward, self-conscious. Useless.
“ Is that – ” he started, abruptly, after a second. “ Is that – alright? ”
Stupid, stupid, stupid. And he shouldn’t be here. He shouldn’t be here…
Wade just looked at him, in the faint darkness. Eyes searching. Unfathomable.
“ Aye, ” he finally said, softly. His voice very faint now. “ That’s alright. ”
* * *
More hours went by, seamless, dreamlike. The night drawing almost to a close. Craig felt sleep hovering over him like a vulture, but he didn’t let himself sleep. He kept his eyes fixed on Wade, on the bed.
It was at about 5:15 that it finally happened.
Wade was lying still, then suddenly opened his eyes wide, and sucked in a deep breath. Like he was dying.
Craig was on his feet before he realised it, and his leg almost gave out under him. He probably swore, but he didn’t remember it. He managed to fall towards the bed and catch himself on the side, lean on it. Hold himself up. He stared down at Wade. His skin was prickling like it didn’t belong to him.
Wade’s eyes rolled wildly for a second, and then focussed on him. And he smiled.
“ I think we’re about to put on a show, ” he forced out.
And even though he’d been waiting for it, waiting all night, Craig suddenly felt dizzy.
“ Now? ” he whispered.
“ Aye. ” Wade nodded, closing his eyes. “ Now. ”
Craig’s heart sort of – twisted – in his chest, and he could have cried, he could, but really – what would have been the point?
He wanted to say things, suddenly. A lot of things. Things he needed to say, and why for God’s sake hadn’t he said them before? God…
“ Wade – ” he said. His own voice hoarse now. “ – Wade – I’m sorry I didn’t trust you, and I’m sorry I didn’t believe in you, and I’m sorry – I’m sorry – ”
" It’s alright. ” Wade was laughing again, faintly. He looked up at him, his head limp now on the pillow. “ It’s alright. ” For a moment he just sort of caught his breath, staring up at him. “ It’d have taken you years to figure out, anyway. ”
He smiled again, and then suddenly closed his eyes, the smile twisting into a grimace.
“ I’m glad you’re here, ” he ground out.
Craig felt like his head was literally ready to go spinning off, at any moment, except that it was held down. Trapped. He’d taken Wade’s hand at some point, and not realised it.
“ Wade, ” he said. “ – Brian – John – ”
Wade squeezed his eyelids suddenly, and his throat sort of – convulsed. There were odd noises in the background. There was someone next to him – a nurse. Moving very quickly. There were other people too. Someone tugging his arm, insistent. He felt the hand in his clutch jerkily. Wade’s eyes opened, wide, fixed. His mouth opened to let out a deep, harsh breath.
He was moving away from the bed. His crutch was in his hand. Someone was saying something he couldn’t understand. He was through the room doors, very softly, very gently. He was standing in the corridor, watching through the glass as the doctors ran around, called for things, bent over him.
And then, slowly, stopped running around. Straightened up. Stared down at the bed.
Looked up at the clock.
His leg really, really hurt all of a sudden, and he hobbled to a grey plastic chair, just behind him, and sat down.
The doctors and nurses all slowly filed out of the room.
...And that was it.
* * *
He sat in the corridor for hours without realising it. Life carried on as normal around him. No-one spoke to him. He heard the doors swing, the people walking in and out of the room. Calmly, now.
He didn’t feel very calm.
He felt like he’d lost something he didn’t entirely know how to name. The ground felt oddly incomplete beneath him.
And he didn’t know what to do.
He heard footsteps near him, suddenly. They slowed, and then stopped. He looked up to see Locke looking down at him. Almost warily.
He looked back, silent.
Locke seemed on the verge of saying something, then looked up, into the room. Then back down at Craig.
“ Is it over? ” he asked, quietly.
And something seemed to breathe through Craig at the question. Not quite happiness, or even relief, but the nameless load seemed to lift, a little. Because yes. It was.
He grasped for his crutch.
“ Yeah, ” he said, sitting up. He glanced back at the room, briefly.
“ Yeah, it’s over. ”
He stood up, on his own. Locke didn’t make a move towards him, but when he started off down the corridor, fell into step beside him.
A vague light came in through the windows. The sky had lightened to grey while he hadn’t been watching. He squinted through the glass, with all the attention he could spare from managing the crutch.
He could almost see the sun, hiding away behind the clouds.
He made it out of the hospital, on his own. Down to the carpark. And he let Locke take him home.
Cross-posted to
slashysouls.It's really awfully cold lately.
