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girlofpreyApparently I need a Fantasy Pirate League. No-one warned me about this, but I think I need to do it BEFORE MORE PEOPLE STEAL THE BEST CHARACTERS.
Thusly:
Captain: Me. Oh yes. Just when you thought it was safe to go in the water/own plunder. Mwuhahaha.
First Mate: Barty Crouch Jr. He would lead all attacks and be in charge of all sneaking-into-places-dressed-as-other-people plans. And would seriously get pissed at people who were not 120% loyal to me. This would probably somehow involve making him love me as he loves Lord Voldemort. But I think I could do it. Yes.
Second Mate: Guy from Green Wing. He will be in charge of Bitching People Out when they slack off even a little, and also of hanging out in the Captain's room looking pissy and adorable. Probably he would occasionally help out with anaesthetising people when the ship's doctor so required it. And he would be GREAT at it. Naturally.
Third Mate: Violet from Lemony Snicket. How could I forget her? Somehow I did. She would be in charge of inventions and plans and just generally keeping us all afloat and being the rational one. She probably deserves to be First Mate, but the others would only grumble discontentedly. I think she has the humility to be Third Mate, tie her hair up in a ribbon, and get on with it. I love her.
Cooks (3): I don't know. Do we need cooks? Can't we just eat what we plunder? Um. Anton Gorodestky from Night Watch. Probably he is canonically useless in the kitchen, and uses knives for all the wrong things, like opening windows/totally not trying to kill the scary noises behind him - but I think the peace and quiet of learning to cook below decks on a pirate ship would suit him. Yay. And Pyro from X-Men 2. He could channel his adolescent rage into sauces and grilling. Also he'd be very good at adjusting the oven temperature. And present a nasty suprise to any intruders thinking the cooks were easy targets. And Gay Perry from Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang. I indulge in numerous horrific stereotypes that he would be able to cook because he is gay. He's also incredibly wonderfully handy with a gun, and again with the intruders-who-think-the-cooks-are-easy-targets-HAHA! Probably he would also take Pyro under his wing. Which would be lovely. Yay.
Crew (12): Nick from Sea of Souls. He wears lovely scarves and is quite skilled with a shotgun. So long as we keep him away from women he seems to think he is in love with and let him have quick passionate sex with Craig down in the cargo bay quite regularly, he should be okay.
The Hook-Handed Man from Lemony Snicket. Do any of your pirates have a hook for a hand? Mine has two hooks for hands! And is probably quite skilled with them. And has deliciously ambiguous 'morals', while also clearly being semi-good under a bad influence in the books. He could have secret liaisons with Violet which she prefers to pretend aren't happening. Hurrah.
Draco Malfoy. Possibly he will piss people off and need to be kept away from the rest of the crew. Which will probably please him a bit. But I think his magical skills and icy beauty will probably come in all kinds of useful, and he could finally win the respect he deserves.
Jack! Jack from King Kong (2005)! He would seem awfully useless, but turn out to be THE BEST OF THEM ALL when pushed to the very limit. Also he would mysteriously have to live in a cage, with a typewriter. He would be the sensitive, intellectual pirate that I could have late-night chats with over whisky, though he never tells the rest of the crew. And he would stop the people from getting to carried away in attacks, and BLIND THEM WITH HIS HEAVENLY BEAUTY!
Cholo from Land of the Dead. He gets things done, capiche? Also he has a stake gun, and is well-trained in dealing with zombie attacks, and that's probably going to come up sooner or later, right? Also he sometimes does shirtless pull-ups where everyone can see. No bad thing can come of this. He is somewhat prone to back-door dealings (not like that! That I know of!) and mutinies, but hey, I've got Barty Crouch Jr protecting me! And they can have sweaty, angry sex to work off that tension. Hurrah.
Spangler from Malcolm in the Middle! He has a fake leg, a hook and an eyepatch! And he has military training and discipline,and tactical plans. And speaks conversational French. He would have his own personal cabin boy, who would be Francis. Ooh, or he could be the one who deals with stowaways! Which would also be Francis. Yay.
I have a sad lack of female kick-ass crew, so Marla Singer, from Fight Club. Her job would mostly be smoking and wearing lots of make-up, but she's pretty fierce when peoplecook her mother push her too far. She'd do very well with swords, I feel. Hurrah.
Sawyer from Lost. It's a step up from a desert island, surely? He's a fairly decent fighter, and really not bad-looking, which is sort of my main reason. Also very sneaky and not averse to starting Black Markets, which every ship should have. I think he'd do quite well. He would have a gun, not a sword. He would totally guard our backs, while pretending not to. Because I pay him the best.
Rose from Doctor Who. She would have to stop talking about her family and 'the Doctor' first though. And do more of that swinging/kicking action from Episode One. I feel the need for someone with ultra-blonde hair, for some reason.
Edward Norton. I don't know where from, I don't know how, but I want him. He is mine. I replaced Edward Norton. With Will Scarlet, from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. He is equally pretty, and can throw knives! And is already used to the life of an outlaw. And has angst, 11th Century medieval angst. He will fit in well, I think.
Elphaba from Wicked. She could totally base her Animal rights activities from the ship. Mine is an equal rights vessel. Probably we would have to make her something all-covering and transparent, so she would not be hit by sea spray. Or she could just stay indoors mostly. But she has her flying broom so she would never have to worry about going down with the sinking ship, and she has full permission to leave us all behind in such a case. How great would Elphaba be with a sword though? Pretty damn great!
ETA: I replaced Elphaba too. I think the sea is just not for her. By which I mean, I decided the sea probably wasn't for her, remembered Flying Snow from Hero kicked some serious ass, wanted her, then wanted them both and decided they could form a team, since Flying Snow can in fact protect people from flying drops of water with her sword. And her red clothing would look awfully good with Elphaba's green skin/black dress. So yes. I cheat, and I don't care!
Mark Z Danielewski. I don't know what he looks like, so he would mostly stand in the distance, on the other side of whatever part of the ship I was on, looking out to sea, and muttering things under his breath. And writing. Very often writing. Jack would try to go talk to him sometimes, but would come back with a disturbed look on his face and be silent for a Good Long While afterwards. One look from him would quell any resistance on the ship's we plundered. It would be some form of magic.
Cabin Boys: Craig from Sea of Souls.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lakester has already claimed him, so I will specify that it will be Season 2 Craig, with his lovely shirts and hair, hah! He will be mostly in charge of techy things (for I don't think he could survive without a laptop. We'll have to go wireless) and living in the same cabin as Wade. And taking care of him. I can't see this not leading to sex.
Preston from Celebrity Big Brother. The magic is gone slightly since he left the house, but I can't imagine it wouldn't be back when he was trapped with lots of people on a ship. He could have a picture of Chantelle to inspire his adorableness, BUT NO MORE!
Ship's Surgeon: Wade from Sea of Souls. He has medical training and, when that fails, magical healing powers. Which should save on supplies. However, he does tend to go a bit faint after healing, and also take on the injuries he has healed. But mostly faint. Someone will probably need to almost always carry him back to his cabin, and take care of him, and then fall asleep from exhaustion hours after he is asleep, and sleep on after he wakes up, so he can calmly and fondly watch them as the boat rocks. This person will be Craig.
Navigator: Yockenthwaite from Roger and the RottenTrolls. Anyone who doesn't know the show will be TRAGICALLY unaware of the glory of his skillz.
I love my crew. Probably I will think of a hundred more suitable crew members when I get home. But I love them! We fly the dread 'R For Raygun' flag, and dock in Newcastle yearly for Connotations! ALL YOUR BOOKS ARE BELONG TO US!
Thusly:
Captain: Me. Oh yes. Just when you thought it was safe to go in the water/own plunder. Mwuhahaha.
First Mate: Barty Crouch Jr. He would lead all attacks and be in charge of all sneaking-into-places-dressed-as-other-people plans. And would seriously get pissed at people who were not 120% loyal to me. This would probably somehow involve making him love me as he loves Lord Voldemort. But I think I could do it. Yes.
Second Mate: Guy from Green Wing. He will be in charge of Bitching People Out when they slack off even a little, and also of hanging out in the Captain's room looking pissy and adorable. Probably he would occasionally help out with anaesthetising people when the ship's doctor so required it. And he would be GREAT at it. Naturally.
Third Mate: Violet from Lemony Snicket. How could I forget her? Somehow I did. She would be in charge of inventions and plans and just generally keeping us all afloat and being the rational one. She probably deserves to be First Mate, but the others would only grumble discontentedly. I think she has the humility to be Third Mate, tie her hair up in a ribbon, and get on with it. I love her.
Cooks (3): I don't know. Do we need cooks? Can't we just eat what we plunder? Um. Anton Gorodestky from Night Watch. Probably he is canonically useless in the kitchen, and uses knives for all the wrong things, like opening windows/totally not trying to kill the scary noises behind him - but I think the peace and quiet of learning to cook below decks on a pirate ship would suit him. Yay. And Pyro from X-Men 2. He could channel his adolescent rage into sauces and grilling. Also he'd be very good at adjusting the oven temperature. And present a nasty suprise to any intruders thinking the cooks were easy targets. And Gay Perry from Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang. I indulge in numerous horrific stereotypes that he would be able to cook because he is gay. He's also incredibly wonderfully handy with a gun, and again with the intruders-who-think-the-cooks-are-easy-targets-HAHA! Probably he would also take Pyro under his wing. Which would be lovely. Yay.
Crew (12): Nick from Sea of Souls. He wears lovely scarves and is quite skilled with a shotgun. So long as we keep him away from women he seems to think he is in love with and let him have quick passionate sex with Craig down in the cargo bay quite regularly, he should be okay.
The Hook-Handed Man from Lemony Snicket. Do any of your pirates have a hook for a hand? Mine has two hooks for hands! And is probably quite skilled with them. And has deliciously ambiguous 'morals', while also clearly being semi-good under a bad influence in the books. He could have secret liaisons with Violet which she prefers to pretend aren't happening. Hurrah.
Draco Malfoy. Possibly he will piss people off and need to be kept away from the rest of the crew. Which will probably please him a bit. But I think his magical skills and icy beauty will probably come in all kinds of useful, and he could finally win the respect he deserves.
Jack! Jack from King Kong (2005)! He would seem awfully useless, but turn out to be THE BEST OF THEM ALL when pushed to the very limit. Also he would mysteriously have to live in a cage, with a typewriter. He would be the sensitive, intellectual pirate that I could have late-night chats with over whisky, though he never tells the rest of the crew. And he would stop the people from getting to carried away in attacks, and BLIND THEM WITH HIS HEAVENLY BEAUTY!
Cholo from Land of the Dead. He gets things done, capiche? Also he has a stake gun, and is well-trained in dealing with zombie attacks, and that's probably going to come up sooner or later, right? Also he sometimes does shirtless pull-ups where everyone can see. No bad thing can come of this. He is somewhat prone to back-door dealings (not like that! That I know of!) and mutinies, but hey, I've got Barty Crouch Jr protecting me! And they can have sweaty, angry sex to work off that tension. Hurrah.
Spangler from Malcolm in the Middle! He has a fake leg, a hook and an eyepatch! And he has military training and discipline,and tactical plans. And speaks conversational French. He would have his own personal cabin boy, who would be Francis. Ooh, or he could be the one who deals with stowaways! Which would also be Francis. Yay.
I have a sad lack of female kick-ass crew, so Marla Singer, from Fight Club. Her job would mostly be smoking and wearing lots of make-up, but she's pretty fierce when people
Sawyer from Lost. It's a step up from a desert island, surely? He's a fairly decent fighter, and really not bad-looking, which is sort of my main reason. Also very sneaky and not averse to starting Black Markets, which every ship should have. I think he'd do quite well. He would have a gun, not a sword. He would totally guard our backs, while pretending not to. Because I pay him the best.
Rose from Doctor Who. She would have to stop talking about her family and 'the Doctor' first though. And do more of that swinging/kicking action from Episode One. I feel the need for someone with ultra-blonde hair, for some reason.
Elphaba from Wicked. She could totally base her Animal rights activities from the ship. Mine is an equal rights vessel. Probably we would have to make her something all-covering and transparent, so she would not be hit by sea spray. Or she could just stay indoors mostly. But she has her flying broom so she would never have to worry about going down with the sinking ship, and she has full permission to leave us all behind in such a case. How great would Elphaba be with a sword though? Pretty damn great!
ETA: I replaced Elphaba too. I think the sea is just not for her. By which I mean, I decided the sea probably wasn't for her, remembered Flying Snow from Hero kicked some serious ass, wanted her, then wanted them both and decided they could form a team, since Flying Snow can in fact protect people from flying drops of water with her sword. And her red clothing would look awfully good with Elphaba's green skin/black dress. So yes. I cheat, and I don't care!
Mark Z Danielewski. I don't know what he looks like, so he would mostly stand in the distance, on the other side of whatever part of the ship I was on, looking out to sea, and muttering things under his breath. And writing. Very often writing. Jack would try to go talk to him sometimes, but would come back with a disturbed look on his face and be silent for a Good Long While afterwards. One look from him would quell any resistance on the ship's we plundered. It would be some form of magic.
Cabin Boys: Craig from Sea of Souls.
lakester has already claimed him, so I will specify that it will be Season 2 Craig, with his lovely shirts and hair, hah! He will be mostly in charge of techy things (for I don't think he could survive without a laptop. We'll have to go wireless) and living in the same cabin as Wade. And taking care of him. I can't see this not leading to sex.Preston from Celebrity Big Brother. The magic is gone slightly since he left the house, but I can't imagine it wouldn't be back when he was trapped with lots of people on a ship. He could have a picture of Chantelle to inspire his adorableness, BUT NO MORE!
Ship's Surgeon: Wade from Sea of Souls. He has medical training and, when that fails, magical healing powers. Which should save on supplies. However, he does tend to go a bit faint after healing, and also take on the injuries he has healed. But mostly faint. Someone will probably need to almost always carry him back to his cabin, and take care of him, and then fall asleep from exhaustion hours after he is asleep, and sleep on after he wakes up, so he can calmly and fondly watch them as the boat rocks. This person will be Craig.
Navigator: Yockenthwaite from Roger and the RottenTrolls. Anyone who doesn't know the show will be TRAGICALLY unaware of the glory of his skillz.
I love my crew. Probably I will think of a hundred more suitable crew members when I get home. But I love them! We fly the dread 'R For Raygun' flag, and dock in Newcastle yearly for Connotations! ALL YOUR BOOKS ARE BELONG TO US!
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(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-12 10:10 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-13 05:18 am (UTC)I declare it a democracy
Date: 2006-02-12 10:36 am (UTC)Wade is DEAD. And therefore will be UNHELPFUL at surgeing. Also Craig will have to then attempt to follow his orders because he is the only one who can see him. But as you have a series two Craig I fear he may be in great denial about Wade and his ghost status and you will have to be stern with him so that he does not ignore him entirely. I will visit you and delight to see Craig attempting to be surgeon/healer type person taking orders from his ghostly boyfriend. WHOM I LOVE LEST IT BE AT ALL FORGOTTEN OH GOD. . He does funny things to my tummy. I sometimes have to rewatch the stairs bit and the hospital corridor bit and it's very strange. Dude.
Sawyer! Greatness. You should have Reese from Malcolm inthe middle. I nearly had him as a chef because dude. Also if you have him and somehow make space for Francis as well then you get all the slashy goodness and with added incest interest. Good.
MUCH LOVE.
Re: I declare it a democracy
Date: 2006-02-13 05:52 am (UTC)(::dances you anyway::)
Wade lives on my ship! Magical powers! Magical powers my ship has for RETURNING TO LIFE CHARACTERS WHO SHOULD NEVER HAVE DIED IN THE FIRST PLACE, NO MATTER HOW INTEGRAL IT WAS FOR THEIR CHARACTER ARC!!! Your potential storyline is awfully amusing though!! I fear Craig's innate nervousness about things that matter would make him a terrible surgeon though. Which would possibly be more amusing. You can visit me whenever you like, and have a whole bushel of apples! I love my ship.
I took 700 screencaps of episodes 205/6. Most of them of Craig's face. I think possibly we win at strange and intense love.
There is only room for one stowaway on my ship, and that is Francis! And as there will not be any extra cabins on the ship, and I never throw a pretty boy overboard, he will have to stay with the pirate in charge of taking care of stowaways. Which will all be to the good, I am sure. Reece can cook in an inn at the port where we always dock, and they can have sex there. Never will he be allowed to come on my ship. Never. Good.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-12 11:39 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-13 05:22 am (UTC)I will send Cholo to help you, with some crew to help him. He will probably grumble about being overworked and try to set up a union, but I will just make him do shirtless pull-ups till he can complain no more. Pirates of LJ unite!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-12 01:48 pm (UTC)Would you sell tickets? :alters ship's route:
Though I think you may have bloodshed by putting Craig, Wade and Nick on the same boat. Nick doesn't strike me as someone who shares well. Unless there is Wade/Craig/Nick - which would be very pretty...
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-13 05:33 am (UTC)Nick does not strike me as a sharer either. Given that he tried to shotgun Isobel and the man who 'stole' her from him. But on the boat he will not be able to say anything about Craig because he's meant to still be pining over Isobel and wishing he could once again be on land with her, and is meant to be just using Craig for sex. Wade will notice the angry, confused gleam in his eye, and go and talk to him (partly because he doesn't like the effect Nick's BLATANT DENIAL has on Craig's feelings), and Nick will shout a lot of confused, hypocritical things, before Wade makes him see sense, and helps to heal his pain (as all good ship's doctors should), slashily of course, and then they can all live in salty OT3 bliss on the sea. And I will watch it all fondly from my cabin while counting the loot and laughing softly. Yes.
You have a Craig/Nick icon! I need a Craig/Nick icon. Come out soon, DVD!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-15 07:31 am (UTC)Wade/Craig fills me with MIND LOVE even though I know nothing about them. Aha.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-02-15 09:26 am (UTC)I will assume the 'mostly' refers to Yockenthwaite, for being a troll. You really don't want me to have to start defending the rest of my crew's honour. JACK WILL ALWAYS HAVE TO LIVE IN A CAGE. Even if we encounter giant apes and most of our crew is tragically killed off (except for the part where they all emerge from the sea at the very last minute). He likes it there. No really.
I sort of replaced Edward Norton. I should probably have made that more clear. But with Christian Slater, the merry-man 11th-century vagabond! He can be Will Graham, part of a crack team who chase us. Which I'm totally not putting together in my head. No. Never.
STOP PAIRING UP MY CREW MEMBERS! Any sex they have is between them and the sea!
All caught on the secret cameras! Except of course for Wade/Craig BECAUSE EVERYONE SHOULD PAIR THEM UP EVERYWHERE EVERYONE!::dances you for creating this meme I LOVE YOU::