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May. 26th, 2012 03:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
girlofpreyThe big family news I've got at the moment, which I've been meaning to post about for a week or so, is that my grandmother is probably going to die any day now. A week last Wednesday, while my mother was still away, she had a fall and got taken into hospital, which has happened pretty often in the past. However, on the Saturday my dad found out she'd actually had a stroke. They said she probably wouldn't be able to eat for herself again, wouldn't be able to really talk properly again, and almost certainly wouldn't be able to live independently again, and that they'd put a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order on her in case of a heart attack, which she had a history of.
I wasn't really sure what to think at the time - like I say, she'd often fallen and been taken into hospital and then just come out again after a week, so for it to be something more serious all of a sudden was a bit of a shock. And my aunt had had a stroke a few years ago, and she pretty much recovered from it, I think. But obviously my grandmother was older, and had a lot of problems with Alzheimer's. So it didn't look likely that she'd recover as well as my aunt did.
Anyway, one of the main things everyone was worried about though was because she'd had a stroke and was laying around in bed a lot, there was a big chance she'd get a chest infection, which would probably pretty much be the end of it for her. And this week we found out she'd got pneumonia. Apparently she'd been having good days and bad days, and had even managed to eat some food on her own, without her tube, so they treated her for the pneumonia and gave her some antibiotics. But she hasn't responded, so they've stopped giving them to her, and they've removed her feeding tube. She was having some problems with that anyway, because with the dementia and her being so agitated she kept pulling it out. So yeah, they've removed everything and it looks like it's going to happen pretty soon.
I'm kind of not really sure how I feel about it - sad, obviously, but my grandma and I haven't been close for a long time. She's had Alzheimer's for the past few years, so in some ways it wasn't like it was really her. And I stopped going to see her probably about a year, a year and a half ago, which I feel pretty guilty about now. But I'm pretty sure it's because it got to a stage where I felt like I wanted to tell her about my mental health problems, and I wasn't sure how she was going to respond, since she was never really a nice woman to begin with. And it took a lot out of me, talking to her and dealing with her memory problems and trying not to upset her. And then in the last year or so I kept hearing stories from dad about her accusing him of bringing prostitutes up to her house (she was talking about the carers, we think), and attacking her carers, and yeah. It just seemed easier to stay away, I guess.
So it's not like we're close lately. But we use to be really close, she was probably the grandparent we saw the most of when I was a kid - my grandad was usually with her, but he was also usually off somewhere reading a paper - and I think I was closer to her, and my sister was closer to our nana, my mum's mum. And she's the last grandparent we've got left. And I always did feel bad for her up in that house on her own, and she used to ask for me sometimes apparently, and it's making me feel really guilty now, sometimes. I know I had my reasons for staying away, and there's no guarantee it would have been any good or she'd have enjoyed it or would have even remembered it afterwards. But still. I suppose it's easy to feel bad about things at a time like this. We're going to see her today now, and my sister's coming, which I'm not really looking forward to, but I obviously want her to have a chance to see grandma before she dies. And mum and dad are both coming, so it should be fine. And yeah. It's just weird. Mum and even dad aren't desperately sad about it, and we're mostly just carrying on as normal, watching TV and making jokes and stuff. But it is sad, and every now and then we have a big conversation about it. And I'm mostly carrying on as normal, but every now and then I really think about what's happening, and that chances are in a few days time, my grandma will be dead and I'll never get to see her again. So yeah. It's a little weird at the moment. A little bit up and down.
I wasn't really sure what to think at the time - like I say, she'd often fallen and been taken into hospital and then just come out again after a week, so for it to be something more serious all of a sudden was a bit of a shock. And my aunt had had a stroke a few years ago, and she pretty much recovered from it, I think. But obviously my grandmother was older, and had a lot of problems with Alzheimer's. So it didn't look likely that she'd recover as well as my aunt did.
Anyway, one of the main things everyone was worried about though was because she'd had a stroke and was laying around in bed a lot, there was a big chance she'd get a chest infection, which would probably pretty much be the end of it for her. And this week we found out she'd got pneumonia. Apparently she'd been having good days and bad days, and had even managed to eat some food on her own, without her tube, so they treated her for the pneumonia and gave her some antibiotics. But she hasn't responded, so they've stopped giving them to her, and they've removed her feeding tube. She was having some problems with that anyway, because with the dementia and her being so agitated she kept pulling it out. So yeah, they've removed everything and it looks like it's going to happen pretty soon.
I'm kind of not really sure how I feel about it - sad, obviously, but my grandma and I haven't been close for a long time. She's had Alzheimer's for the past few years, so in some ways it wasn't like it was really her. And I stopped going to see her probably about a year, a year and a half ago, which I feel pretty guilty about now. But I'm pretty sure it's because it got to a stage where I felt like I wanted to tell her about my mental health problems, and I wasn't sure how she was going to respond, since she was never really a nice woman to begin with. And it took a lot out of me, talking to her and dealing with her memory problems and trying not to upset her. And then in the last year or so I kept hearing stories from dad about her accusing him of bringing prostitutes up to her house (she was talking about the carers, we think), and attacking her carers, and yeah. It just seemed easier to stay away, I guess.
So it's not like we're close lately. But we use to be really close, she was probably the grandparent we saw the most of when I was a kid - my grandad was usually with her, but he was also usually off somewhere reading a paper - and I think I was closer to her, and my sister was closer to our nana, my mum's mum. And she's the last grandparent we've got left. And I always did feel bad for her up in that house on her own, and she used to ask for me sometimes apparently, and it's making me feel really guilty now, sometimes. I know I had my reasons for staying away, and there's no guarantee it would have been any good or she'd have enjoyed it or would have even remembered it afterwards. But still. I suppose it's easy to feel bad about things at a time like this. We're going to see her today now, and my sister's coming, which I'm not really looking forward to, but I obviously want her to have a chance to see grandma before she dies. And mum and dad are both coming, so it should be fine. And yeah. It's just weird. Mum and even dad aren't desperately sad about it, and we're mostly just carrying on as normal, watching TV and making jokes and stuff. But it is sad, and every now and then we have a big conversation about it. And I'm mostly carrying on as normal, but every now and then I really think about what's happening, and that chances are in a few days time, my grandma will be dead and I'll never get to see her again. So yeah. It's a little weird at the moment. A little bit up and down.
