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Jan. 4th, 2010 11:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
girlofpreyHello. It's me. I've been at my parents' for the last two weeks, and my access to the internet has been sort of patchy to say the least. I basically have the choice between my dad's computer, and wiping the browser history every time I'm finished, or the computer upstairs in my room, which I "broke" about a month ago after trying to get it to 1) make sound, and 2) look at the internet. Possibly in a slightly rough, many-tabs-open-at-the-same-time sort of way, but still. My dad, when I first asked to use it, sighed angrily and told me to just check my email and then get off it! Which sort of put me off. I kept meaning to make a post, but it was also a bit tricky with all the Christmas shopping, then Christmas, then boxing day, then the sales. And then my grandmother ended up going into hospital - not for anything serious really, a few days after Christmas my cousin went up to get a shopping list from her to go into town with, and found her in her nightgown, a bit more confused than normal, and apparently unable to move her legs. They took her to the hospital and it turned out she had a water infection. She's often a bit confused nowadays, and she's been moving her feet at least and standing up in the hospital, so it was a bit worrying but she seems to be okay. But I was going with my parents every day to see her, and then it was New Years, and then I was coming back to Nottingham. So I never seemed to get a chance to go on Livejournal, except briefly.
I did want to make an end of year/decade post, before the end of the year. In honesty, it's not been a great year for me. I've spent most of it unemployed, and I've been suffering quite a lot from anxiety, and OCD symptoms that have affected pretty much everything I do. In fairness, I was having a bit of this last year, but it's gotten worse since I've been unemployed, really. I've not really been posting about it because it's hard to talk about, especially when you're in the middle of it, and I sort of imagined it would be not boring, but sort of stressful to read about. And maybe a bit boring. I don't know. But anyway, it's been kind of bad. Counselling has helped a bit though, even if just as a place to talk about stuff that's been going and to think about the ways I count and check things and get it in focus a little bit. And I've noticed, or come to notice, that I tend to worry about (unrelated) things a lot more when there's something I need to do, like get dinner ready, or somewhere I need to be, like trying to get to an appointment on time or to work or something. So I do feel like I know what's going on with it a little bit, or that I know that it's not really the things that are worrying me that are really worrying me, if that makes any sense. So I feel like I have a bit of a handle on it, really. But it's a little frustrating, to say the least.
I don't think I'm enjoying living on my own, if I'm honest. I don't know, maybe it's to do with my mum always worrying about me being out on a night, and asking me to text her when I get back from doing things, but it does freak me out a little bit that no-one would know if I didn't come home, or if something happened to me while I was in my flat. Which, if I'm honest, is probably a combination of living on my own, not having a permanent, consistent job and not knowing anyone, really, in Nottingham, more than just living by myself, but - although I do like my flat and having my own space - I feel like I've sort of had my fill of it after nearly 3 years. And I do find it a little hard not seeing or talking to people regularly and spending quite so much time on my own, and I feel like it's affected my Livejournal use, as well. I know I've been a bit weird this year, not posting for weeks and not really commenting to anyone. In fairness, there wasn't much happening in my life while I was unemployed and couldn't afford to do anything, really. And was sleeping through most of the day. But there's also the fact that I've been having issues with having to read and re-read things and that also applies to stuff I've written a lot, which makes writing comments and posts a bit difficult sometimes. And I always feel like my comments are either 1) sort of incomprehensible and weird, 2) desperately over-zealous/long, or 3) because I've tried to stop them from being over-zealous/long, a bit clipped and unemotional. And for all I know they have been, but either way I've been pretty critical of most of the things I've written, which again made it hard.
Basically I've not been posting and commenting much, and I may have been a bit weird when I was posting or commenting, and I just want to apologise for it really, it's not been anything to do with anyone online, it's been to do with me. And I do think the lack of much other social interaction outside of LJ has been a big part of it, where I put a lot of pressure on LJ as being my only source of said social interaction. And it's stupid, really, because I felt like this might happen when J and K moved away from Nottingham. I remembered thinking it might be weird not having anyone to see on a regular basis, and whether LJ would be enough for that, but I just sort of hoped everything would be okay. And it's not been weird or bad, but I think this year's been a bit shaky, and I don't know if anyone was actually weirded out or not, but if anyone was, I'm sorry, and like I say it was nothing to do with anyone, it was just me.
Anyway, I'm hoping that the social interaction thing will sort of get better soon, because I am basically definitely moving in with my parents in a few months. I have to give notice before the beginning of a month that I'm going to move at the end of that month, so the earliest I can move really is the end of February, but I've talked to my parents about it and they're okay with it, and I know I definitely did not get the full-time job I interviewed for in November, I can't remember if I said or not. So basically, unless I get a job between now and the end of February, which I don't really think is likely, I shall be moving then. And I know I moved to sort of get away from my home situation, but I don't really have much choice with my current money situation, and mum says that it's a lot better in terms of how often Katie or the kids come round. And I won't be working, at least at first, so I'm hoping it will be a bit less stressful now. And it will be nice to be living with people, frankly, and to have a bit of support around me. So I think it's a good move, really.
I want to give you an update on the dad thing, by the way, since I don't think I said anything about it - I mentioned to mum when she next called me that dad had called me a parasite and I'd found it a bit upsetting, and she told him I'd said that. Apparently it was a reference to a show he watches called Soccer AM, where they refer to any student who comes on as a 'parasite', and a joke. He didn't feel the need to explain that reference during the conversation, of course, and he got a bit annoyed with me for thinking that he really meant it and not just knowing it was a joke, but it's still better than him actually meaning it. I'm a bit wary of being around dad a lot when he feels like that kind of "joke" is okay to just say and not explain in casual conversations, but again, it's still better than if he really meant it.
Anyway. So that's my things. I did have quite a lovely Christmas, actually, I got some lovely pyjamas (that I picked out, and nearly knocked a woman over trying to get to), and a gorgeous scarf (that I picked out), and a bunch of other things I'd asked for or said I might like, including the Never Mind the Buzzcocks DVD and Moon. It was a bit stressful when Katie and the kids came around, but fun, and it was good to see them. All the presents I ordered arrived in the post before Christmas Day as well, and everyone seemed to like what they got, and I got Christmas money to spend in the sales, which was nice. So yes, it was pretty good, generally.
And to counter some of the depressing stuff, some pretty great things have happened this year.
I just got back to my flat today, and then went out into town until pretty much the evening, so it is freezing cold. But I'm wearing my new lovely long sleeved and legged pyjamas, and a bathrobe, and my new slipper boots, which are brilliant, so I'm fairly alright. I haven't seen the second Doctor Who yet - I was spending time with my nephew/s on New Year's Day and playing on the Wii my dad bought for them to play their new Wii games on, so I missed it and didn't have a chance to watch it after that, really. However my parents watched it on Saturday while I was on the computer, and then I had to wait for it to finish before I could come back into the room, and I was waiting for a bit on the landing, and could still hear it. And it sounded like it took FOREVER to finish. FOREVER. I could hear a lot of it, and there was nothing action-ey happening, it sound like a lot of talking to or watching Donna, and then Rose, I don't know if he talked to Martha, possibly not. I caught the bit in the first episode about how Donna was "making do" with not much money and a boyfriend who was black though, like how Rose was "making do" before she met the Doctor. That was interesting. But no, it sounded like it took FOREVER. So I'm not looking forward to that entirely.
I also watched Day of the Triffids over the Christmas "holidays". My weirdest pairings: Torrance/Bill Mason, and frankly, Bill Mason would have made a much better locked up slave than the woman, if Torrance had ANY REGARD FOR THE TRIFFIDS AND HOW DANGEROUS THEY WERE AT ALL. And Bill Mason/Triffid. But we won't go there. And I saw Sherlock Holmes on Saturday, and once again I'm shipping a minority enemy pairing where most of the fandom is not. Holmes/Blackwood for the win slightly. AND, I don't really watch the Mighty Boosh much anymore but I did find the How Howard Moon lost his virginity kink meme, which has quite a lot of Howard/not-Vince slash. Much as I love Howard and Vince, Howard/not-Vince slash is some of my favourite Mighty Boosh slash. And I found out just how much slash was currently on![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
booshslashhaven, and that it included Nathan/Dan slash from Nathan Barley. FINALLY, YES. I know that Nathan Barley is in many ways terrible, but I do love Nathan, and Nicholas Burns. And I have been waiting for Nathan/Dan slash for some time. So hurray. All these were slightly better fannish pursuits than Doctor Who. Even though I do love John Simm. Still better.
I did want to make an end of year/decade post, before the end of the year. In honesty, it's not been a great year for me. I've spent most of it unemployed, and I've been suffering quite a lot from anxiety, and OCD symptoms that have affected pretty much everything I do. In fairness, I was having a bit of this last year, but it's gotten worse since I've been unemployed, really. I've not really been posting about it because it's hard to talk about, especially when you're in the middle of it, and I sort of imagined it would be not boring, but sort of stressful to read about. And maybe a bit boring. I don't know. But anyway, it's been kind of bad. Counselling has helped a bit though, even if just as a place to talk about stuff that's been going and to think about the ways I count and check things and get it in focus a little bit. And I've noticed, or come to notice, that I tend to worry about (unrelated) things a lot more when there's something I need to do, like get dinner ready, or somewhere I need to be, like trying to get to an appointment on time or to work or something. So I do feel like I know what's going on with it a little bit, or that I know that it's not really the things that are worrying me that are really worrying me, if that makes any sense. So I feel like I have a bit of a handle on it, really. But it's a little frustrating, to say the least.
I don't think I'm enjoying living on my own, if I'm honest. I don't know, maybe it's to do with my mum always worrying about me being out on a night, and asking me to text her when I get back from doing things, but it does freak me out a little bit that no-one would know if I didn't come home, or if something happened to me while I was in my flat. Which, if I'm honest, is probably a combination of living on my own, not having a permanent, consistent job and not knowing anyone, really, in Nottingham, more than just living by myself, but - although I do like my flat and having my own space - I feel like I've sort of had my fill of it after nearly 3 years. And I do find it a little hard not seeing or talking to people regularly and spending quite so much time on my own, and I feel like it's affected my Livejournal use, as well. I know I've been a bit weird this year, not posting for weeks and not really commenting to anyone. In fairness, there wasn't much happening in my life while I was unemployed and couldn't afford to do anything, really. And was sleeping through most of the day. But there's also the fact that I've been having issues with having to read and re-read things and that also applies to stuff I've written a lot, which makes writing comments and posts a bit difficult sometimes. And I always feel like my comments are either 1) sort of incomprehensible and weird, 2) desperately over-zealous/long, or 3) because I've tried to stop them from being over-zealous/long, a bit clipped and unemotional. And for all I know they have been, but either way I've been pretty critical of most of the things I've written, which again made it hard.
Basically I've not been posting and commenting much, and I may have been a bit weird when I was posting or commenting, and I just want to apologise for it really, it's not been anything to do with anyone online, it's been to do with me. And I do think the lack of much other social interaction outside of LJ has been a big part of it, where I put a lot of pressure on LJ as being my only source of said social interaction. And it's stupid, really, because I felt like this might happen when J and K moved away from Nottingham. I remembered thinking it might be weird not having anyone to see on a regular basis, and whether LJ would be enough for that, but I just sort of hoped everything would be okay. And it's not been weird or bad, but I think this year's been a bit shaky, and I don't know if anyone was actually weirded out or not, but if anyone was, I'm sorry, and like I say it was nothing to do with anyone, it was just me.
Anyway, I'm hoping that the social interaction thing will sort of get better soon, because I am basically definitely moving in with my parents in a few months. I have to give notice before the beginning of a month that I'm going to move at the end of that month, so the earliest I can move really is the end of February, but I've talked to my parents about it and they're okay with it, and I know I definitely did not get the full-time job I interviewed for in November, I can't remember if I said or not. So basically, unless I get a job between now and the end of February, which I don't really think is likely, I shall be moving then. And I know I moved to sort of get away from my home situation, but I don't really have much choice with my current money situation, and mum says that it's a lot better in terms of how often Katie or the kids come round. And I won't be working, at least at first, so I'm hoping it will be a bit less stressful now. And it will be nice to be living with people, frankly, and to have a bit of support around me. So I think it's a good move, really.
I want to give you an update on the dad thing, by the way, since I don't think I said anything about it - I mentioned to mum when she next called me that dad had called me a parasite and I'd found it a bit upsetting, and she told him I'd said that. Apparently it was a reference to a show he watches called Soccer AM, where they refer to any student who comes on as a 'parasite', and a joke. He didn't feel the need to explain that reference during the conversation, of course, and he got a bit annoyed with me for thinking that he really meant it and not just knowing it was a joke, but it's still better than him actually meaning it. I'm a bit wary of being around dad a lot when he feels like that kind of "joke" is okay to just say and not explain in casual conversations, but again, it's still better than if he really meant it.
Anyway. So that's my things. I did have quite a lovely Christmas, actually, I got some lovely pyjamas (that I picked out, and nearly knocked a woman over trying to get to), and a gorgeous scarf (that I picked out), and a bunch of other things I'd asked for or said I might like, including the Never Mind the Buzzcocks DVD and Moon. It was a bit stressful when Katie and the kids came around, but fun, and it was good to see them. All the presents I ordered arrived in the post before Christmas Day as well, and everyone seemed to like what they got, and I got Christmas money to spend in the sales, which was nice. So yes, it was pretty good, generally.
And to counter some of the depressing stuff, some pretty great things have happened this year.
- I went to see Tori Amos, live, and Eddie Izzard, live, both of whom were pretty brilliant.
- I went to see
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
cakesy and Cecilia in London, and went round Camden with Sarah, which was lovely. - I went on holiday with my nephew Jack, to Devon.
- I went to Rome. Which was amazing, despite the heat, and I don't know if I've really said much about it, frankly. I didn't expect to like it, thinking it would be mostly churches, but I really really did. I saw some amazing paintings, and some amazing sculptures, and some amazing buildings, and aside from suffering from period pains slightly and feeling like I wanted to throw up in St Paul's, it was really really great. I really really loved it, and didn't even see everything I wanted to go see. I would definitely go again if I had the chance.
- I went to see jekesta and alicamel. We watched Eurovision, which I'd never watched properly before, and Bugs and Leverage and Hana Yori Dango. It was pretty great.
- I saw a bit more of my youngest nephew, Ryan, and I think we've bonded a bit, which is nice, because I didn't see him that much when he was really young, and I usually see him with Jack, who tends to get a bit jealous when Ryan gets any attention, so it's difficult to play with just Ryan. But I did see a bit more of him, which was nice. He's talking (sort of) now, and he's quite lovely, and I love him rather a lot.
- Jack started school, as well, which he seems to be enjoying. I love him quite a lot too.
- I saw Matthew Needham (aka Toby) in a play, which was pretty great.
- Tony/Maria happened on Coronation Street, which was also great.
- Emmerdale got rid of Matthew King and therefore a lot of the Kingcest, but then brought in the Wyldes, and gave us Nathan Wylde and Ryan Lamb not knowing they were half-brothers and being a bit in love with each other, and now actual canonical incest with Maisie Wylde and Ryan. Not to mention the subtext of Maisie, who was previously married to her brother's best friend who she dumped after the honeymoon and is now going after her brother's new practically best friend, who is unknown to her her half-brother, and who looks quite a lot like her actual brother, as you might expect. In many ways Emmerdale is doing very well.
- And David Platt got a new arch enemy/love interest. I've enjoyed the soaps a lot this year.
- I've started going to see operas, which I quite like, starting with Paradise Moscow, which I kept meaning to post about and never did. It was about a group of people who were about to move into a new block of flats in Moscow in the 1950s, I think, and at one point the building owner's chauffer's best friend Boris comes along saying he's returned to Moscow to get married, although he doesn't know who to yet, and we meet Svetlana, a museum tour guide who's showing the people about to move into the flats around the museum to entertain them until the flats are ready, I think. They become the main characters. And the BEST ONES. AND THEY FALL IN LOVE. Boris is a demolitions expert and thinks marriage is a superstructure, and love is a high interest savings account - you get out what you put in. She's studied medieval art, and knows Pushkin off by heart. And she knows how to build a vacuum. He teaches her to wear 1950s dresses. She teaches him not to be a jerk all the time. Eventually they both have to sit on the BENCH OF TRUTH. He says he's realised he doesn't need to be a jerk anymore, and that he loves her. She says the truth is she wishes the show would go on forever. It was amazing. I loved it. And later in the year I saw Turandot, which is the opera with Nessum Dorma in it, and it was awesome. And cakesy and me? We was at Rigoletto's.
- I went to Redemption this year as well. And Connotations, for the first time in a few years.
- And Misfits happened. I love it, even though it has a few issues of its own. I love Kelly. And Nathan. And I am ridiculously invested in Kelly/Nathan. I may or may not have the beginnings of a Misfits playlist including a Kelly/Nathan song scribbled in a notebook somewhere. Who can say.
- And Single-Handed happened this year. It was great. I can't believe it's not out on DVD.
- They did a tango to Gold on Strictly Come Dancing. With lifts.
- And I saw quite a few great films.
- And quite a lot of great things happened this year, as well as some of the slightly rubbish stuff.
I just got back to my flat today, and then went out into town until pretty much the evening, so it is freezing cold. But I'm wearing my new lovely long sleeved and legged pyjamas, and a bathrobe, and my new slipper boots, which are brilliant, so I'm fairly alright. I haven't seen the second Doctor Who yet - I was spending time with my nephew/s on New Year's Day and playing on the Wii my dad bought for them to play their new Wii games on, so I missed it and didn't have a chance to watch it after that, really. However my parents watched it on Saturday while I was on the computer, and then I had to wait for it to finish before I could come back into the room, and I was waiting for a bit on the landing, and could still hear it. And it sounded like it took FOREVER to finish. FOREVER. I could hear a lot of it, and there was nothing action-ey happening, it sound like a lot of talking to or watching Donna, and then Rose, I don't know if he talked to Martha, possibly not. I caught the bit in the first episode about how Donna was "making do" with not much money and a boyfriend who was black though, like how Rose was "making do" before she met the Doctor. That was interesting. But no, it sounded like it took FOREVER. So I'm not looking forward to that entirely.
I also watched Day of the Triffids over the Christmas "holidays". My weirdest pairings: Torrance/Bill Mason, and frankly, Bill Mason would have made a much better locked up slave than the woman, if Torrance had ANY REGARD FOR THE TRIFFIDS AND HOW DANGEROUS THEY WERE AT ALL. And Bill Mason/Triffid. But we won't go there. And I saw Sherlock Holmes on Saturday, and once again I'm shipping a minority enemy pairing where most of the fandom is not. Holmes/Blackwood for the win slightly. AND, I don't really watch the Mighty Boosh much anymore but I did find the How Howard Moon lost his virginity kink meme, which has quite a lot of Howard/not-Vince slash. Much as I love Howard and Vince, Howard/not-Vince slash is some of my favourite Mighty Boosh slash. And I found out just how much slash was currently on
booshslashhaven, and that it included Nathan/Dan slash from Nathan Barley. FINALLY, YES. I know that Nathan Barley is in many ways terrible, but I do love Nathan, and Nicholas Burns. And I have been waiting for Nathan/Dan slash for some time. So hurray. All these were slightly better fannish pursuits than Doctor Who. Even though I do love John Simm. Still better.
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Date: 2010-01-05 07:46 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-05 09:12 pm (UTC)