(no subject)

[girlofprey]

This is a bit long to reply to every comment. It was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. It turns out that when my mum said "depressed" she meant worrying about what I was going to do/what he was going to have to do to help me. Apparently he thought my plan was to 'go to Nottingham' - in that I would quit my job and go sleep on my old housemates` floor. FOREVER. Maybe not forever, but that I wasn't planning to get a job/flat/careers advice of my own first. Which I totally am. I explained all this to mum, but told her to hang fire about telling dad, since I think maybe I need to talk to him. Somehow. Apparently he thought he was basically going to have to feed me money for years while I partied and did filing. I'm going to have to explain to him that not so much. Hopefully. Eventually. Fingers crossed.

The thing about dad is, he's a bit odd. And always seemed very set on my doing well in life. Every conversation we had about careers (every day) involved Law and Medicine - after they stopped involving Oxford and Cambridge. He once told me, straight out, that no-one could be happy without lots and lots of money. A few weeks ago he gave me a lecture about how I'm too young to know what real despondency is, that everyone ends up miserable in their job, so you may as well get the money while you can. He's been talking recently about being 'fed up' and unhappy with his job, and saying that it's because he started too late (he only got a degree ten years ago), which usually turns into a talk on how I should get started VERY VERY early. Back when he was trying to get chartered as an architect - and kept failing the exam - he at one point, after not revising very well, told me there was not much hope left for his success, so it was all down to me now, and WHILE I REALISE NOW he might have been partly joking, it still felt like - pressure. And he's got this weird thing about how 'no-one ever listens to his advice' - by which he generally means 'follows it immediately and to the letter' , because his advice is 'good', and people who don't follow it are 'stupid'. Most of these are quotes, if not meant from the bottom of his heart. So.

So I guess I always felt it was very important to him that I do Very Very Well in life - without really being given much idea of the world of work outside 'Law' and 'Medicine'. As vague, ideal concepts. So perhaps I got it into my head that I had to Succeed Amazingly, to please him, or he'd possibly disown me as a bad job. Especially given that he's never seemed hugely interested in any other aspects of my life. And - what I maybe felt I had to 'make up for' in my sister's place. But it turns out (according to mum) that he really just wants me to have a plan and be prepared to take responsibility for my life. Which I can maybe do. Which is good.

So. I'm less upset about it. Now I just have to - actually get started on doing it.

Comments

[missmomoko.livejournal.com]

You dad sounds like my Dad! anyhow good luck with the plan.