girlofprey

On Monday, there will be an election in a country I don't even live in that I'm incredibly nervous about, and also I have to remember to order a repeat prescription.

Life is so odd.

Hearing my dad's racism and islamophobia increase the longer I'm in lockdown with him is also unpleasant, but hey ho. Maybe it's not increasing. Maybe I'm just hearing more of it.

I love Fatal Frame. I love how female it is. Always female main baddies, and generally female main characters. I love it quite a lot considering I've only ever seen Let's Plays of the games, and played about half of one myself. I can't tell what it means, but the episode % says I'm currently at 46%. If that only relates to episodes I've unlocked, and not what I've done in each chapter, that means I'm still only halfway through it. Which means if I keep playing it I'll probably go past Halloween, which is always weird with scary stuff, but I care enough about the story now to stick with it I think. The story is maybe a bit less compelling than previous games I've seen, because people were generally trapped in those, but in this game they just keep choosing to go back to a mountain filled with murderous ghosts and curses. To try to save people, but still. Back to Hell Death Mountain is basically the theme of every chapter. But I love the characters. Except the stupid man I have to play who walks in water as though it is quicksand. But mostly I love it.

Well, it's the end of September, and I've heard nothing from work, so I guess I'll be calling my manager tomorrow. I hope he recognises the sound of my voice.

Also, it turns out that court case never happened last Friday? I think? Because my sister never mentioned anything about it, nor anyone else, and I feel like someone would have. But the social worker is coming to see my parents tomorrow, for some reason, so I guess they can ask him then.

I have been putting up new pictures in my bedroom, and I keep thinking I can see something out of the corner of my eye. Because I can, it's a picture that wasn't there before today.

My mum had her last shift at the hospital on Friday, after something like 37 years. I feel like it's the end of an era, but mum doesn't seem that bothered by it. I guess she thinks it's time, and she just says she feels free. I'm guessing the coronavirus is probably adding to that at the moment. She did get exposed to quite a few suspected cases, despite all the procedures in place. Anyway, the house is filled with flowers now from her co-workers saying goodbye, and she is done with it. Unless she gets called back in during another crisis, I guess.

I have been playing a lot of Crusader Kings 3. It's weird how invested you can get in when you can have your next feast (it reduces stress and makes my vassals like me more? get in). Currently I'm trying to achieve the game's suggested goal of using my Irish queen to reclaim Brittania, and make it all Celtic again. I don't think I'm going to achieve it given the amount of time left in the middle ages, given the year we're at in the game, but it's been fun. The game's full of bugs though. You get obese, seemingly out of nowhere, and the decision to try to lose weight doesn't seem to do anything but make you stressed out. Lots of people are having the same issue. So then your ruler might just die out of nowhere, before you're ready to pass things on to their kids, and there's not much you can do about it except risk giving them a heart attack. Hopefully they'll sort that stuff out soon.

And Playstation are having another conference tomorrow night. Presumably where they're going to announce the release date and price for the PS5s (barring the gold one), and also where they're going to talk about games, so maybe some new announcements? I'm hoping for Wild to make a return, and maybe Silent Hill to be announced, but that's much more of a longshot. Mostly at this point I just want them to open pre-orders, so I can have some idea of if I'm even going to get one this holiday. I'm confident that my local games shop will put my name down for one of the first ones they get, but I'm not confident of how many units my local independent games shop will get. But things are moving on! I will be unavailable for 40 minutes tomorrow at 9pm. I am excite.

After many months of no contact with the kids, besides face-timing and a few unapproved-of visits (my MN straight up took a taxi from his home to my sister's house a few times), contact has now been arranged through social services for tomorrow. But it's a contact for my ON, my MN, my sister and both my parents, and while we were very prepared for contacts in an outside area like a park, it's been arranged for a nearby garden centre with a cafe and a few outdoor areas. But Storm Francis is supposed to be rolling in tomorrow, and the weather looks terrible all day, like more than 90% chance of rain every hour until the evening. And if they sit inside the cafe, they're apparently not supposed to have more than two households at the same table - and they have to give their contact details for track-and-trace, so the cafe will absolutely know about it. There are four households just with my parents, sister and nephews, and that's if no social workers are also there to supervise. My ON is apparently wary of seeing my MN, so they arranged for them to have contact separately - but that's still at least three households, and having two separate 'sessions' means the whole thing is now looking to stretch from 11am to 3pm. And infection rates keep rising, and my sister and nephews have been hanging around with all sorts of people, so my mum (70+) isn't sure she wants to be inside with them all anyway. So the upshot is, she's thinking about cancelling and just letting the two boys see their mum, and the whole thing's really just a bit of a mess. Partly because of the weather, which no-one could predict, but partly because social services seems to be trying to smush everyone in together. Which is not ideal, and not really what mum and dad hoped for, given the current situation. They're hoping other contact can be arranged, with just them and one of the boys, on an ongoing basis. But it's a mess, and a stress my mum really doesn't need right now.

Our dog has also been chewing his paw and limping slightly since the night before last. I gave him a bath yesterday, hoping that would wash out anything that might be caught in the fur, and it seemed to make things better for a few hours, but then he was back to licking it again and limping. We're all hoping he just injured it a bit on a walk, maybe a strain or graze since we can't find a cut, and now he's chewing it and making it hurt, and it will clear up after a few days. But if it continues, we might have to take him to the vet. Mostly he's just sad we keep leaving him behind for walks at the moment, but at least he's in high enough spirits to want to come on a walk at all.

Speaking of which, I have to get up at about 8.30am for the vet appointment for my cat on Thursday. I never managed to get up for 9am to call for any same-day appointments that were sooner, but I will certainly have to get up for the actual appointment. I'm currently getting up at around 1pm every day. Pray for me.

About a week to go until the beginning of September, and I still haven't heard anything from my place of work. Who knows what they'll ask me and when. The furlough scheme lasts until the end of October. Every day is a rollercoaster.

I think it might finally be time to sell the house to buy more jewellery. Don't tell my parents.

Rationally, I do think that joggers who huff and puff past you without staying the suggested 1m away should have their legs cut off.

I'm still doing the shampoo detox on my hair. Mostly my hair just looks and smells greasy. I suspect I might have hair that's too naturally greasy to look nice without chemicals, or I'm not living healthily enough to have my body send it generous nutrients. But then I also had a weird half-period for a week or so, which obviously messes with your hormones, so I've been trying to wait it out and see if things improve after that. Life is obviously a lot simpler without having to shampoo my hair, as well. But I think I might have to go back to the shampoo this weekend if things don't dramatically improve.

I was half-interested in the Xbox showcase that's happening on Thursday, but now hearing that it'll be some third-party stuff and not just Xbox's own games makes me genuinely look forward to it. I suspect that Bethesda will announce things there, if they have anything to announce, given that they love Xbox. I'm guessing a Starfield update is due. But who knows. Given that I'm not an Xbox person or planning to get one, I'm not too interested in the Xbox games, but I'm always willing to be pleasantly surprised. It bothers me how everyone seems to act like we have to give the same credit and attention to Xbox as to Playstation, despite Xbox not having done half the things or having half the success Playstation has. And they're starting to make me hate the term 'consumer friendly'. I feel like I don't want to just consume. And games-as-a-service and subscription services make me feel nauseous, but that's just me I guess. Plenty of other people seem to enjoy their approach. My big concern is that they'll continue on with their old tactic of waiting till a game or studio is popular, and then buying exclusive access to the sequel or the rest of their work. There's nothing to say that Hellblade 2 is an exclusive yet, but it wouldn't surprise me. But again, I am always willing to be pleasantly surprised. I love it, in fact.

The social worker came by today and more or less said there's no chance of having my nephews over to stay any time soon. As far as she's concerned, there's a blanket restriction on all inter-household visits for our whole district. Which is a little frustrating for my parents, because my ON is living with another foster child, and the foster parents have been taking him to see his sister and having the sister over to stay for months. I think while the most severe lockdown was happening actually, but I don't know for sure. The social worker also knows about that, and is confused by why it's happening, but she says as far as she's concerned no sleepovers. We can go see them outside, but we can't have them over. So that's a bit of a shame. Also a relief, from a health anxiety point-of-view, but still a shame for the kids and our family and the foster parents as well. My YN's foster mother is still really struggling with him, but hopefully something might get worked out school-wise to help her out tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Still nothing from my boss, but train journeys have now appeared online for me, at pretty much exactly the same times and schedules as before. I went through an interesting period last night of trying to look at different train journeys, just in case they were somehow just cancelling mine. I found a couple of others, but then realised they were with different train companies than Northern Rail. I told my parents about it though, and mum started doing some research of her own, and found that there was a schedule up for w/c 8th June, just not this week. But that week also had a note saying that new timetables were coming in, and none of the journeys they were showing were guaranteed. Which is also what every journey with trains other than Northern Rail was saying. It was very confusing, is my point. But now things seem to be up and confirmed, and I can still get from my local station to Leeds, if they confirm they want me to come in. But they haven't confirmed they want me to come in so far.

This whole re-opening thing looks pretty shaky, doesn't it?

Meanwhile, my parents (and I) are still pretty devastated about what's happening with my YN, but we got a call a few days ago about my MN, and when mum called back she found out that the centre he's at had asked to terminate his placement there in February - which they haven't mentioned on any of the calls my dad's been making to them since then - but they're now moving him to a place in Barnsley. Which is still not super close to our house, but much much closer than Birmingham. So the lord giveth and the lord taketh away, I guess?

Playstation have announced a showcase of games coming to the Playstation 5 for this Thursday, which is something I've been waiting for for a very long time. The new Sims expansion is out on Thursday night, also, and I'll definitely be able to play it by Friday. And on the 1st of June there'll be new bugs and fish to catch in Animal Crossing, which I'll be able to look for day 1 if I'm not required to go into work, and who knows whether I will be. So I am excite.

Well, I have been called up. I had a missed call on my phone this morning when I woke up, from my manager - called him back, and he said the place we work for is looking to reopen again on June 1st, so they were calling round everyone seeing what the situation was for people coming back in. Against all my assumptions - and to my manager's surprise - the one thing the business is specifically asking for is reception. So I have a decision to make. I asked quite straightforwardly if I was fired if I didn't want to go back, and he said he didn't know, he would have to ask that question, there was a lot of sympathy within the government guidelines. I mentioned my vulnerable-age-group parents and public transport. But he just said to think it over, which I will. They're not calling me back tomorrow, or even next week, at least. It's still a little surprising. At the moment, with the weather as lovely as it is and people I know having been relatively untouched by the pandemic, I feel like I could go back in. And they are paying me, which I like, and it is fair enough to actually earn the money I'm being paid. But I don't know how I'm going to feel actually going back in. Mum and dad don't see a problem with it, if the social distancing guidelines are followed, so at least they're not uncomfortable with the idea. I think I'm going to discuss it with my mental health worker tomorrow, and probably call my manager back and just ask what changes are in place to make it safe and follow guidelines. Also, I assume they're also insisting the cleaners come back? But he didn't make it sound like that. I don't even know if the rest of the office, or my manager, would be there if I went back.

Also I just had an argument with my parents about a package that arrived for me. My dad opened it, thinking it wouldn't be an infection risk with the contents inside - but joke's on him, because it was a book with a plastic dustjacket anyway. Then, while I was asking him what he'd done and while he'd done it, my mum decided to wipe the dustjacket down with a disinfectant wipe, including the bit inside the cover, which has possibly damaged the inside pages a bit. And I know there is very little infection risk and the damage is probably minor. But it's my package, and literally neither of them wanted to ask me what I wanted doing with it before they messed with it. I have a system, and even if it's an over-the-top system it's mine, and my decision. So now I've argued with them, and relations with my dad are probably frayed.

Also I was have kinky sex dreams about terminators last night. Also I've discovered my local games shop is open again, while looking for ways I could possibly support them online. I want to support them, but I wasn't expecting to be offered the chance to go back in as I did before, before the shops are even supposed to be opening again (maybe) on June 1st. I'm going to call them and see what the what is. I have to go into town this week to get my prescription anyway, so fuck it. May as well go around all the shops as well. And to be fair, given all the garden centres and furniture shops reopening immediately after Boris' last announcement, I've realised I no longer know what a 'shop' is anyway.

NB: I have to live with my dad, and I can't leave.

On a more practical note, I am going to phone work tomorrow to confirm that I am not essential and won't be expected to come in next Monday. I assume I'm not, they don't even need receptionists on the weekend, when people are in. And I will ask what the pay situation is, although I'm not hopeful for that. I don't even know if I'll get paid for the week and paid leave I've had any time soon, will anyone be in to do payroll? I don't know.

I mean, fucking finally, though. I've been trying to think about what I can/will do for the next three weeks though, and have started to realise I really don't know what 'essential' is, or who key workers are. Like, I assume people still have to come collect the bins? But they haven't mentioned that in the key workers list. Meanwhile bank workers were on there, but to what degree? And I'd been assuming I could still order things from Amazon or whatever, for boredom reasons, because they said people were still getting deliveries in Italy during lockdown, but it seems so unlikely they would consider books from the Book Depository essential. Maybe they just meant food deliveries? No-one is being super clear. I bought a couple of things over the weekend, and I don't even know if they'll be posted, if post people are among the ones who now have to stay home. Which services will still run? What does it mean?

It's my birthday on Friday. I got into astrology over the last few months, mostly because I was looking for things to redecorate my room with, and all anyone says about Aries is that they like bright red, and bright red is my favourite colour, so they would just say 'try redecorating with these red things!', and I was very happy to look at them. Anyway, the point is that I was looking forward to Aries Season, and now lockdown.

But on a specifically birthday-related note, I had plans for this week, with my time off. I was going to go to Colchester zoo, which is apparently the only zoo in England that has spotted hyenas, which I love. But then it seemed like things might have to be cancelled, so there was no point booking them, so that was a no. I was going to go on a coach trip to the Yorkshire Dales, which I've never been to, but then you weren't supposed to gather in small places with strangers, so no. I thought we might be able to go to a nice pub nearby for Sunday lunch, but no. I thought at the very least I could convince someone to take me to Pizza Hut this week, but no. Lockdown. My mum is working on my birthday, so at this point it's not even looking like we'll be able to get the household to gather round and sing round a cake. And they don't know what to buy me at the best of times, so I was mostly expecting money, but we're not supposed to handle cash at the moment so it'll be a bank transfer I never seen. I suppose I might see mum in the morning, if I get up. There are bigger problems at the moment, obviously, and lots more people will have to miss birthdays as the lockdown goes on, but still. It's disappointing.

There has been no yelling from the kitchen, so I assume any water damage hasn't shown through so far, dad and I already argued tonight because he likes Boris Johnson and I thought his announcement was vague and unclear, pray for me.

Well, it's been a weird Christmas so far. We had Christmas dinner on Sunday, because mum won't be in to cook it tomorrow (she's a nurse and working). My MN is now in a residential unit in Birmingham, an hour and three quarters away, and we weren't sure we were going to get to see him tomorrow, or over the holidays at all. My dad had a plan to drive down after my mum went to work, but he couldn't just decide to do that, he had to tell a social worker and the residential unit and wait to see if they okayed it. They didn't get back to us until yesterday morning, and said no he couldn't. Then it turned out that they'd misunderstood and thought my dad wanted to do some meeting halfway thing, which they didn't have the staff for, and said yes. Then he offered to come for around 3pm, they said that wouldn't be great as they might be eating, and asked if he could come for 10am instead. To a place a two hour drive away. Anyway, he said yes, and then the question of whether I was going with him seemed to occur (I'd been thinking about it and discussing it with mum), and I said I didn't think I could get up at 7am on Christmas morning to start driving across the county, given my current emotional wellbeing. So we've changed it to arriving at midday. So instead of getting up and spending the morning with mum before she leaves around 12pm, we're now getting up at 9am, doing presents or whatever, then me and dad are leaving at about 10am, before mum goes to work, to get there for 12pm. Then spending an hour or two with him, then driving back for two hours, to have Christmas dinner at about 4pm, which will be a couple of instant meals from the supermarket.

Mum's not seeing any of the kids tomorrow, since she's working, and then my ON and YN and my sister are coming over on Boxing Day. Supposedly their foster parents have gotten them gifts too so they'll have things on Christmas Day, but it still seems a bit weird. But the best we can do. Just weird.

Some traditions remain however. We're having a buffet-style meal tonight, out of party food from Marks and Spencer's, including the seasonal favourite, prawn balls. And mum and I will be fighting over the scissors and tape as we wrap our presents at the last minute tonight. And then it'll be Christmas. I have Friday off, so I'm done with work at least until next week, and free as a bird. Free to look at Boxing Day sales and early January sales. But yeah. It'll be weird.

Life:

My ON is now in a foster home. After an altercation with my sister's partner where no-one could quite decide who was telling the truth (my ON does lie plenty, about things we've literally seen him do), he came to stay with us for a bit while the police investigated. But my parents had already booked an expensive holiday for not long afterwards, and I can only just look after myself living alone and working, so it was arranged that he'd go into a foster home that week. But apparently he got on really well with his foster parents, and is now just staying there. He came back to ours the day after my parents got back, but that evening the foster parents came over and my ON went back with them, and took all the rest of his clothes, so it seems like a pretty settled thing. He's claiming he won't ever go back to my sister's house while the partner's there, and my sister is very attached to the partner and there isn't a huge amount of evidence that the partner did anything wrong besides get very frustrated with my ON, who is very frustrating. So my sister has said she doesn't think he'll ever go back. And it's selfish, but if he really is happier with the foster parents, they're better set up to have him than we are, and it's probably better that he's there. But also it feels a little quietly disturbing. Disquieting, I suppose, to have one of the kids in the family living outside the family. It's very odd.

Crusader Kings:

I figured out a bunch of stuff from the tutorial and some wikis online, turned off a few things that were outright ruining my game and made it so no-one was annoyed at female leaders, and let me tell you. My most successful dynasty so far involved a queen who had twins, then another boy, and then finally beautifully a girl, during a pregnancy and labour so difficult it nearly killed that queen. Then my queen died of illness in the middle of a (very successful) battle to try to take back a title from one of my vassals and keep it for her family. The son couldn't continue that questline because he had to start the process over again, and none of the vassals liked him enough to back him with it. Then he died in battle, leaving only his daughter who was a child, so I couldn't do shit till she grew up. I'm now attempting to get things going again with her, but all her talented relatives hate her because they want her throne, and after ten years of marriage to a man she married as soon as she came of age, she hasn't had any kids yet, so she's got no heirs. The beautiful daughter my queen originally had has grown up to be the best diplomat the world has ever seen, despite her harelip, but now she wants my current queen to go to war with Navarra so she can inherit the throne, and she hasn't even bothered to have any kids so even if I end up playing as her she'll have no heirs either. But I have changed the life focus of my current queen to Seduction, and she's just bought her husband a remarkable horse to replace his that died, so he's now deeply in love with her (+20 opinion modifier). So hopefully some kids will be forthcoming.

It's a hell of a game.

Temeraire:

( Book 8 )

Work:

Work is very odd, because one of the guys I work with has lost his mother, so he's off work, and my boss in on holiday, so we're on a really low amount of staff. I'm mostly stuck with the guy who got angry with me about plastic surgery, and he's not bad generally - not that bad all the time - but I really don't feel like he's quick off the mark, and doesn't always think of things. Twice this week we've had contractors or workmen in to do something in the building, and the guy (P) hasn't said anything to me about them before he left for the day - or spoken to them as far as I know - and I was left there at half past five, knowing I have to leave at six, wondering if they'd be finished in time or if I'd have to explain to them how to get out of the building without me. I don't even know when my manager will be back, because he didn't even tell me he was going on holiday before he left. And even when he gets back he might not be around much.

But I have some time off this week - I decided to take a bit off for Halloween - so I only have to go in on Monday and Tuesday next week, and then I am free. And I don't have to worry about it.