girlofprey (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
girlofprey) wrote2012-10-10 11:19 pm
girlofprey) wrote2012-10-10 11:19 pm
(no subject)
So, I'm supposed to be going out for a conservation volunteering taster session thing on Friday. But with Connotations being last weekend, and me and my parents getting ready to go to Crete a week next Tuesday, I haven't had a lot of time to prepare. Essentially I needed some comfy clothes to go in, because I don't really have any stuff that's old and that I'd only wear for dirty work, and some wellies. But I prepared. I decided I would go into town today to get those clothes, and I did. I hoped mum would come with me, but she was working, so I went on my own. I've got a fleece, so I just found a cheap long-sleeved t-shirt and some comfy trousers.
Then I went to get the wellies. My mum suggested a cheap shoe shop, and I went in and found some size 6 wellies and tried them on. But the problem that I often have with boots, and which I had completely forgotten about, cropped up again, which was that the shoes fitted, but they were tight to 'impossible to pull up properly' on my legs. I managed to get them on, but they didn't pull up all the way so they were poking me in the ankle instead of just going over my skin, and one of them just hurt, just physically hurt to have on it was so tight. I tried a size 7, and they fit a lot better on my legs, but didn't fit my feet at all, and I really don't understand that logic. Bigger sizes getting generally bigger, I guess, but there is no guarantee or reason why someone would have bigger legs just because they had bigger feet. In any case, neither of them fit. I hoped it was just because they were cheap wellies, so I went to Clarks. In their whole shop they had two styles of adult wellies, and one of them apparently only came in a size 5.5. I found the size 6s of the other ones and tried them on, and they were better, but not by much. They still wouldn't pull up properly and they still felt really tight. But I figured that they were the best I was going to get, and that rubber might stretch, the way leather gives. And there was a 'Trained Fitter' woman who came up to talk to me while I was looking at them, and kept talking to me while I was trying them on, and she was really friendly, but I hate her, because they obviously didn't fit me, and she kept talking to me like maybe they did. She even said before I tried them on that they had a lovely bit of room to put your trousers down on the inside, and they clearly didn't have that, and she still said nothing while I was struggling to pull them up.
I bought them, in any case, for the reasons I mentioned above, which is no-one's fault but mine. But they're too tight, and I really can't picture wearing them all day, or doing physical work in them. I spoke to mum about it, and she didn't seem convinced about the much-too-tight thing either, and suggested I try rolling them down. But I just tried them on again, and they went on a little easier this time, but I can't roll them down, either on my legs or off them. I had them on for a minute, maybe 2, and I still had lines pressed into my leg when I took them off. And maybe it's nothing, maybe it's fine, but one of the things I really really panic about health-wise is DVTs, and I'm already starting to worry because I'm going on a plane in a couple of weeks, and I just don't need another day when I'm already going to be stressed and I'll be worrying about that all day again, however irrationally.
And my counsellor has retired and I haven't picked up a new one yet so I have no-one to go and vent to.
So...I just don't know what to do. I don't think I can wear them. They cost £30, which I was sort of alright with because I've been needing new wellies for years, but since they don't fit I'm planning to take them back. But that leaves me with no sort of sensible outdoorsy shoes for Friday. And the whole point of going shopping today was so that I could get it out of the way and just do nothing tomorrow, so I'd have a rest before going out to work all day - for the first time in a long time - on Friday. So I really don't want to go up town tomorrow. But I have no shoes. And I can't really go without any shoes.
If it's not raining and muddy I can probably go in the casual shoes I've been wearing generally lately. But I quite like them, even if they're getting a bit worn now, so I don't really fancy stretching them apart with a lot of physical work or scraping them through the muck. And if it rains, they're completely not suitable. But I don't really have anything else. And I really don't need this. I'm already stressing out about the fact that I have to get up at 7am - roughly 7 hours before I generally get up nowadays - on Friday, and then go out and work for 6 hours. While starting to think about and get stressed about the holiday we're having in 2 weeks time, which I haven't prepared at all for.
What I am thinking of doing is calling my employment coach and emailing the conservation centre and cancelling the whole thing, because it just feels like too much bad timing, and too much stress right now. And because I couldn't get the clothes I needed to come to it. But I'd already been freaking out about getting up that early and going out all day, which is something I'm going to need to get over at some point if I actually want to start volunteering, which I do. So it sort of feels like I'm giving up. I just wish I could find wellies that fit. It makes me feel fat, the fact that I can't get boots on. But I haven't been able to get boots on for years, since I was quite a bit smaller, and they bother to make size 16s, 18s and 20s in clothes, so I also feel like it isn't my fault and they should just make wellies/boots that fit. But in any case, I do not have wellies that fit, I do not have the wellies I've been needing to buy for years, and I do not have shoes for Friday, nor really enough time to buy some more. And I don't know what to do.
If I do cancel, the centre I'm going to does taster sessions every Friday, so I can reschedule. But the next time I'll be able to go will be after our holiday, which will be in November, when it will probably be colder, and the weather will probably be worse. Which is not really how I wanted to start out volunteering. Also, I wanted to be actively doing some volunteering already by the next time the Jobcentre calls me to see how I'm getting along and what work-related stuff I'm doing. But assuming they don't call me before my holiday, I guess that won't make much difference by the time I get back. And...uggh. I just wanted this all to go relatively hitchless.
And I'm on my period. And I just remembered my back-to-work service sent a letter offering me/booking me in on a workshop about finding jobs next Tuesday. I feel like punching myself in the face. I probably won't. But still.
I always knew that scheduling this volunteering day in between Connotations and this holiday was going to be a little pressured, but I really just hoped that there would be enough time between each for it to go off generally smoothly. And maybe there would have been, if I'd just had clothes suitable for conservation work already, or if today had gone smoothly. The bbc site is forecasting sunshine for Friday, but I can't exactly rely 100% on that given that I have no fallback options if it turns out to be rainy. I feel like I'm giving up if I cancel on Friday, but I just don't see how I can do it, while also gearing up for a holiday. I'm looking forward to that holiday, but I also know I'm going to have to do things to prepare for it, and if I end up too exhausted to enjoy it byt the time I get there, that's not going to be very much good to me. And if I go up town tomorrow, I can't see myself having the energy to go out all day on Friday, and to then go around getting ready for a holiday next week. And I don't have any shoes if I don't. So I probably am going to cancel and reschedule.
So this is my life, anyway. I am undone by the shitness of wellies. Awesome.
I wish I had outdoor shoes. I wish wellies fit me. I wish I knew what kind of work we're supposed to be doing on Friday, so I could tell if the shoes I already have would be okay for it, if it didn't rain.
Grah.
Then I went to get the wellies. My mum suggested a cheap shoe shop, and I went in and found some size 6 wellies and tried them on. But the problem that I often have with boots, and which I had completely forgotten about, cropped up again, which was that the shoes fitted, but they were tight to 'impossible to pull up properly' on my legs. I managed to get them on, but they didn't pull up all the way so they were poking me in the ankle instead of just going over my skin, and one of them just hurt, just physically hurt to have on it was so tight. I tried a size 7, and they fit a lot better on my legs, but didn't fit my feet at all, and I really don't understand that logic. Bigger sizes getting generally bigger, I guess, but there is no guarantee or reason why someone would have bigger legs just because they had bigger feet. In any case, neither of them fit. I hoped it was just because they were cheap wellies, so I went to Clarks. In their whole shop they had two styles of adult wellies, and one of them apparently only came in a size 5.5. I found the size 6s of the other ones and tried them on, and they were better, but not by much. They still wouldn't pull up properly and they still felt really tight. But I figured that they were the best I was going to get, and that rubber might stretch, the way leather gives. And there was a 'Trained Fitter' woman who came up to talk to me while I was looking at them, and kept talking to me while I was trying them on, and she was really friendly, but I hate her, because they obviously didn't fit me, and she kept talking to me like maybe they did. She even said before I tried them on that they had a lovely bit of room to put your trousers down on the inside, and they clearly didn't have that, and she still said nothing while I was struggling to pull them up.
I bought them, in any case, for the reasons I mentioned above, which is no-one's fault but mine. But they're too tight, and I really can't picture wearing them all day, or doing physical work in them. I spoke to mum about it, and she didn't seem convinced about the much-too-tight thing either, and suggested I try rolling them down. But I just tried them on again, and they went on a little easier this time, but I can't roll them down, either on my legs or off them. I had them on for a minute, maybe 2, and I still had lines pressed into my leg when I took them off. And maybe it's nothing, maybe it's fine, but one of the things I really really panic about health-wise is DVTs, and I'm already starting to worry because I'm going on a plane in a couple of weeks, and I just don't need another day when I'm already going to be stressed and I'll be worrying about that all day again, however irrationally.
And my counsellor has retired and I haven't picked up a new one yet so I have no-one to go and vent to.
So...I just don't know what to do. I don't think I can wear them. They cost £30, which I was sort of alright with because I've been needing new wellies for years, but since they don't fit I'm planning to take them back. But that leaves me with no sort of sensible outdoorsy shoes for Friday. And the whole point of going shopping today was so that I could get it out of the way and just do nothing tomorrow, so I'd have a rest before going out to work all day - for the first time in a long time - on Friday. So I really don't want to go up town tomorrow. But I have no shoes. And I can't really go without any shoes.
If it's not raining and muddy I can probably go in the casual shoes I've been wearing generally lately. But I quite like them, even if they're getting a bit worn now, so I don't really fancy stretching them apart with a lot of physical work or scraping them through the muck. And if it rains, they're completely not suitable. But I don't really have anything else. And I really don't need this. I'm already stressing out about the fact that I have to get up at 7am - roughly 7 hours before I generally get up nowadays - on Friday, and then go out and work for 6 hours. While starting to think about and get stressed about the holiday we're having in 2 weeks time, which I haven't prepared at all for.
What I am thinking of doing is calling my employment coach and emailing the conservation centre and cancelling the whole thing, because it just feels like too much bad timing, and too much stress right now. And because I couldn't get the clothes I needed to come to it. But I'd already been freaking out about getting up that early and going out all day, which is something I'm going to need to get over at some point if I actually want to start volunteering, which I do. So it sort of feels like I'm giving up. I just wish I could find wellies that fit. It makes me feel fat, the fact that I can't get boots on. But I haven't been able to get boots on for years, since I was quite a bit smaller, and they bother to make size 16s, 18s and 20s in clothes, so I also feel like it isn't my fault and they should just make wellies/boots that fit. But in any case, I do not have wellies that fit, I do not have the wellies I've been needing to buy for years, and I do not have shoes for Friday, nor really enough time to buy some more. And I don't know what to do.
If I do cancel, the centre I'm going to does taster sessions every Friday, so I can reschedule. But the next time I'll be able to go will be after our holiday, which will be in November, when it will probably be colder, and the weather will probably be worse. Which is not really how I wanted to start out volunteering. Also, I wanted to be actively doing some volunteering already by the next time the Jobcentre calls me to see how I'm getting along and what work-related stuff I'm doing. But assuming they don't call me before my holiday, I guess that won't make much difference by the time I get back. And...uggh. I just wanted this all to go relatively hitchless.
And I'm on my period. And I just remembered my back-to-work service sent a letter offering me/booking me in on a workshop about finding jobs next Tuesday. I feel like punching myself in the face. I probably won't. But still.
I always knew that scheduling this volunteering day in between Connotations and this holiday was going to be a little pressured, but I really just hoped that there would be enough time between each for it to go off generally smoothly. And maybe there would have been, if I'd just had clothes suitable for conservation work already, or if today had gone smoothly. The bbc site is forecasting sunshine for Friday, but I can't exactly rely 100% on that given that I have no fallback options if it turns out to be rainy. I feel like I'm giving up if I cancel on Friday, but I just don't see how I can do it, while also gearing up for a holiday. I'm looking forward to that holiday, but I also know I'm going to have to do things to prepare for it, and if I end up too exhausted to enjoy it byt the time I get there, that's not going to be very much good to me. And if I go up town tomorrow, I can't see myself having the energy to go out all day on Friday, and to then go around getting ready for a holiday next week. And I don't have any shoes if I don't. So I probably am going to cancel and reschedule.
So this is my life, anyway. I am undone by the shitness of wellies. Awesome.
I wish I had outdoor shoes. I wish wellies fit me. I wish I knew what kind of work we're supposed to be doing on Friday, so I could tell if the shoes I already have would be okay for it, if it didn't rain.
Grah.
no subject
Some places do sell wellies that are cut off just above the ankle, which are really nice unless you're actually going to be in deep streams and things, but I don't know anything about who stocks what offline.
I hate shoes, and their ability to make *everything* difficult.
::hugs you::
At least it's something you can reschedule, rather than having to cancel completely. And it was a really busy couple of weeks for you, especially with added bleeding, so if you do have to cancel I hope you're okay about it. There's nothing wrong with not managing everything all at once in the wrong shoes. Yes.
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I'm afraid my only solution was to keep trying different shops till I found a pair that seemed bigger around the top. They do loosen a little with wearing I've found but not lots.
This comment is mostly pointless except to say that it's not just you!
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But anyway if cancelling is best for you that is ok, you have a lot going on at the minute!
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If you are stressed and not going to enjoy the volunteering it sounds perfectly reasonable to reschedule. *hugs*
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