girlofprey: (Default)
I'm bleeding. So I'm going to guess that it was pre-menstrual tension. Also I said something to my MN. He claimed he and his friend didn't even do anything, they just went over when the girls shouted to them and then the girls said they were perving on them, and he seemed vaguely actually indignant about the whole thing. He is a pretty good liar though. So idk. I said some stuff about things boys did to me when I was a little girl, and told him it's not okay to hurt girls to impress other boys. Don't know how much of it went in but. It's all I can do. Respect women, kids.
girlofprey: (Default)
The period has stopped being a relief and started being an agony.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
Today, my plan was to get up, go out to see the first showing of the King Kong movie, have a Burger King, go to my local video game shop and see if they have anything new in (even though I'm literally still caught between Horizon: Zero Dawn and Mass Effect: Andromeda coming out this week (all the colons)), and then come home and play video games.

Instead what happened was that a bee woke me up at 7am, angrily buzzing between my window and my blackout blinds - but at least they do still exist for the moment. I couldn't get back to sleep, woke up at twenty to 11 when I'd been planning to leave at 11 for the train and also realised I had mild cramps because I was probably bleeding again, decided to try to rush and go for the train anyway, whizzed downstairs and tried to quickly eat 2 buttered crumpets, and realised that was a terrible idea when I felt really full, hot, was cramping, and suddenly whenever I burped it tasted like blood.

I did not go for the train.

Damn that bee.

I'm feeling better now, but my plan for the day is all over the place. I don't even know about Burger King. I'm still having cramps because I brushed my teeth and now I'm not supposed to eat or drink water for a while so my toothpaste can do some magic on them. aksdjd.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
I'm bleeding again. So I guess it really was PMT.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
I got thinking the other day about those hats Trump was wearing right up to before the election. The stupid "Make America Great Again" baseball caps, and his followers started wearing them as well, as though it was going to make them look cool. I was thinking that Hillary should have come out wearing a backwards baseball and a jacket that said something like "Hillz 2 pay the billz" to make fun of them. Then I decided I loved that mental image, and wanted to share it.

Periods, possible TMI )
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
Playstation are the best and I love them:

  • The election is tomorrow. Sky News keeps reporting about polls that have Donald Trump in the lead over Hillary, and even though I know on average she is ahead and always has been, and even though I know it's in Sky News' interests to make out like the election is really close and uncertain to keep people watching, it still makes me feel sick and anxious. The two biggest superpowers in the world aren't both allowed to become facist dictatorships, while the country I live in is just being the worst. No.

  • My period just keeps on keeping on. I guess it's not that surprising, given that I've been taking pills to change it (and for only half a month at that), and given that I haven't had cramps as strong as usual this month. Still. Huh.

  • No train gits tonight. Thinking about it, and the arguments they had about overtime, they might be shift workers and therefore not be on most of my trains. But you never know when they will be. Fuckers.

  • Only 2 pages of Evie/Jacob fic, AO3? Are we not allowed to have incest anymore? For God's sake.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
I had my first filling on Monday. It wasn't my favourite thing that ever happened, but it wasn't as bad as I thought. My tooth still feels a little sensitive, but okay I guess. It's weird thinking some of it was deliberately chipped away. Anyway, then I got to spend 2 and a half hours in town, with a numb lip and not being able to eat, waiting for a doctor's appointment to get on the minipill. Which I now have. I took my first one today. It feels so odd, like such a big thing to be setting out to change my hormones and possibly not have to deal with painful periods anymore, which is a problem I've had since I was about 12 - but at the same time I probably won't be seeing any differences for at least a few weeks. Headaches are apparently a side effect I might get. Also the nurse told me it can increase your feelings of anxiety and depression, so. Super. And also mildly increases your risk of breast and cervical cancer, so. I have all that to look forward to or worry about. But it should mostly settle down within a few months, and if it works I can then just carry on with it. And I definitely had to do something. Taking a few days off every month for curling up in bed with stomach cramps was really not an option.

My sleep has been terrible lately. Mostly due to the incredibly hot duvet I'm currently using. I'm not enjoying the weather at the moment - it's getting colder, but it's still not cold, so people seem to not know what to do and just turn their heating up to the maximum anyway. So I'm constantly slightly too cold when I'm outside, and then slightly too hot when I get inside. Also we've had some monsoon-like downpours in the last couple of days. But it is autumn, which is nice. Anyway. My mum bought a new duvet for me and that's ready to go tonight, so hopefully it won't be an issue for much longer. It was a little cold the other night, so it wasn't too bad under my current duvet, but then last night I ended up having a weird anxiety dream about Deacon from Fallout 4 sleeping with my sister. And not just sleeping with her, but being so busy sleeping with her he/they failed to notice or help me with a problem I was having with a crazy stalker woman a floor above me. This comes shortly after a dream I had the other night, which was - I frequently have anxiety dreams about being told about or remembering a holiday at the last minute, and not being able to pack properly while my friends are on the verge of just going without me. But the other night I had a dream about having been on a trip, and then just not being able to go quickly enough. Not packing to leave quickly enough, and then wanting to go to the bathroom before getting on the train, and everyone just huffing around me. So that was fun. I would like less nightmares, essentially. And better sleep.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
I was due a period two weeks ago, and it hasn't happened yet. Probably due to the stress I felt after starting Jobseeker's, since fucking with my monthly schedule due to stress is something my body loves to do. I think it may be here now though, due to the sheer physical discomfort I'm in? While I'd be glad to get it out of the way before my trip to London next week to see my friends, it might get in the way of the cinema trip I'm meant to be making tonight with my dad, the Jobseeker's appointment I'm meant to be having tomorrow, and the fact I need to go through to Leeds again, also tomorrow, to take some more documents for my DBS check. Ugh.

I tried to watch highlights of the presidential debate last night, and I do like hearing Hilary Clinton speak, but it meant I also had to heard Donald Trump speak and have people act like they were taking him seriously, so I could not. I hope she did well though.

ETA: My period is definitely here.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
I'm pretty sure my period has started. Which is nice, because it's due, but after the stress of last week I wasn't sure if it wouldn't be delayed a little bit, and I might end up getting it when I was supposed to be going to Insomnia (the computer game convention) next week, and I might end up missing it again. Which I'd rather not do, number one because I actually want to go, and number two because an email has informed me there'll be Playstation VR stuff there - which seems pretty obvious now. And I'd quite like to try it out, given that I still keep dallying with the idea of getting it. It'd be nice to know if I'm one of the people that gets motion sickness just from VR before shelling out a bunch of money on it. It's probably a bit of a pipe dream anyway, because some leaked materials have suggested you need a 6ft by 4ft area of completely empty space to use it, so the headset doesn't get confused, and I'm basically planning to get it just for sitting-on-my-bed play. But. It's worth checking out at the very least.

Another mark against getting it is the fact that my bank account is quickly dwindling. I do have savings - what little I have that my parents haven't borrowed - but still. It's probably an idea to get on Jobseeker's pretty soon, or just start looking for a job. The sheer amount of time it took to find out I couldn't apply for Jobseeker's until a calendar month after my last ESA payment, though, makes me think getting onto Jobseeker's isn't going to be an easy and stress-free experience. Part of me wants to leave it until after this week's 'home holiday', to make up for the holiday last week, before getting into it.

I went to kickboxing last night, and accidentally banged my foot, which before then had been pretty much getting better. So I'm icing it now and it's been hurting all day. So that's awesome.

Things that are genuinely awesome: Machias and Jusis in Trails of Cold Steel. I hope they get married by the end of the trilogy, just to show those nobles.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
Got my ESA assessment in 45 minutes - 15:15 on the 15th - and the pain from my stomach cramps is starting to kick in. Already took a naproxen earlier so I can't take them. Might have to take some paracetamol. Don't know what they'd think to me trying to cancel it at this stage, or trying to cancel it at all without a doctor's note or something. If I go and am obviously in pain though, maybe she'll have sympathy. I still don't really know what I'm going to say. I haven't prepared in any way. Partly because I've just been thinking about video games and E3 this week, but still. I think the point is: do I feel ready to work? Yes. Do I feel ready to work a really soul-crushing job, if that's all that's available? I don't know. Do I feel ready to support myself by working? No, not really.

But it doesn't need to be that bad. I just realised yesterday when I picked up a new prescription that if I'm not on benefits anymore, I'll need to pay for prescriptions and dental work. Which is another reason to go on Jobseeker's, much as I don't like that idea. But the last time I was on it, just before I applied for ESA, I told the Jobcentre about my ESA and got put with a disability advisor, who was lovely, and there was a lot less pressure. I don't if that will still be available, after so many years under a Conservative government, but there are definitely disability workers available, because that's who I see for my ESA check-ins. And maybe they'll actually help me get the kind of job I want. So who knows?

I'm also meant to be having kickboxing later, but I don't know. I'm meant to be resting my foot, still, and kickboxing isn't really the way to go about it. But I've not been going for walks, also to rest it, and I was so out of shape during the session last week, I don't really want to let it slip. I said I'd go tonight, but that was only because gradings are this Saturday, and they wanted to discuss some changes about that with me. But I don't think I'm going to the grading - I think that would be a step too far, with the foot, and being out of shape at the moment, I don't even know how I'd do. The only thing is that the next set of gradings will probably be at the end of August - when I might be at the Insomnia festival with my parents and nephew. So I might be waiting a long time for my next chance to go up a belt. So there's just tonight. And now the pain from my period's kicking in, I think maybe it isn't such a good idea. It's just frustrating. To have things getting in the way of doing it, and never knowing if I'm not just making excuses.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
Hello. I am come back from Lancaster, where I watched Eurovision with [ profile] jekesta. Eurovision was - a disappointment and a revelation this year. On the one hand almost all the songs were so dreary it was almost unbearable. But on the other hand, Petre Mede and Mans Zelmerlow reminded us that Eurovision DIDN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY, and SHOULDN'T, and that was incredible. Also the voting was on-the-edge-of-your-seat exciting, and I'm so glad Ukraine won when the lady was clearly feeling her song so much. Jen and I do our own voting, and personally I voted for Belgium, for light and happiness, and Austria, for love and joy. England voted for the almost incomprehensible Georgia song, and the unbelievably unsonglike Poland song, HE SAID THERE WAS ONLY BLACK AND WHITE WHEN HE WAS WEARING RED. That didn't make me proud, or less ashamed. But overall I'm happy with the result, and Petre and Mans are life, they should host every Eurovision.

Anyway. Other than that we went for walks with little Rita, and we watched Coronation Street, and we watched Snowpiercer, and we watched the Omen III, and it turned out I was surprisingly on the side of the Antichrist. That's a genuine surprise. Shut up. Anyway. We very nearly escaped a room, but it turns out escaping prison is harder than you would think, they don't have signs up for what cell block you're in, they just put it on the back of the door in invisible ink. And other excuses. But it was fun. We went to the seaside and nearly had cocktails by the sea until the hotel's seating policy confused and frightened us. And generally it was great. There was sunshine occasionally, and there was freezing cold occasionally. I had two coats.

My period came, finally, yesterday, so that put a slight dampener on things, what with the agony. There was also agony today, but I managed to get home on the trains regardless. Rita took offence to a man with dreadlocks at the train station, and when I got home I found out the boiler had blown up. It's been an exciting day. I took a nap on a train. It was a first.

And now I'm going to catch up on my internet backlog and video games. Which will be awesome.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
Today I:

  • Finished up the last little bits of the Division I hadn't done, and went into the Dark Zone, which is the area where the toughest enemies are, where you and other players can see each other, and where you and other players can kill each other. I was a little nervous, because I play solo and the Division is mainly supposed to be a team game, so I figured everyone else would have a team and maybe I'd just get murdered repeatedly. But actually it was quite nice - I barely even saw any other players to begin with, and then some came along and saved my life (possibly by accident) when I was about to be killed by game baddies. The only 'Rogue Agents' (ones that have started killing other players) I saw were being hunted down by non-Rogue agents, and then I guess I killed some game baddies that were harassing another player? And they invited me to be on their team with them. So we went round killing enemies for a while. Still possibly a much better experience than I might have had if we'd had voice chat on and they were a guy and they knew I was a woman. But you never know - maybe not. It was nice though, anyway.

  • I got a letter through the post with a questionnaire for an ESA assessment.

    I knew it was coming, I guess - I'm a little surprised it's come now, as my advisor said they'd got my next assessment down for September, and she said they were usually pretty spot on with their dates these days. But then I have a month to fill it in, and then they need to process it, and decide if they want me to come in for an assessment (they generally do) - I seem to remember getting a questionnaire three months before I was due an assessment before. So it might only be a couple of months earlier than my advisor said, really. It's just a shock still to actually receive it, and remember I have to actually do that soon. But I did know it was coming - and I do feel a lot better than I used to. I was even thinking about getting a part-time job soon, or looking for some more volunteering - and I do feel a little dissatisfied sometimes with mostly just sitting in the house playing games all day. Maybe I'm ready to start looking for work. I'm not thrilled about possibly having to do the Jobseeker thing again, but...we'll see, I guess.

  • Oh, also I got my period. It was a full and exciting day.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
I've got a weirdly busy week ahead of me, considering that normally I don't do that much. I'm going to Manchester tomorrow, for a feedback meeting for the entire service that partly provided my CBT a few years ago. I go to the local ones pretty regularly, and then the people who run those invited me to this one. They're paying for my train tickets and everything, I have to get up early but that's about it - only problem is, I think I just got my period. I knew it was due around now, and I had all the pre-symptoms, but I didn't know if maybe I'd escape it. I went into town this morning, and I'm already getting weird stitches that I don't normally get, before the cramps have even started. So we'll see if I'm well enough to go anywhere tomorrow. Fun fact - I'm still thinking of going on the pill or something, so this doesn't happen, but last week I heard a story about a relative of someone who works at the Hospice, who'd just collapsed from a blood clot and they didn't know if she was going to survive or not, and apparently - she'd had cancer and stuff - but her doctors apparently thought it was because she was on the pill. So. Great. Just what my hypochondria needs. (PS I think she's fine now).

Then next week I'm doing another soap podcast, then it's pancake day, then I'm going away the following weekend. Then about a day after I get back, my parents are going away on a cruise, so I'm going to have to get ready to be in the house by myself for a week. Plus point: I get to be in the house by myself for a week. And then it's basically the end of February. Wow.

This following a weekend where I finally got my hair cut (yes! I love it short), and took my MN out for a meal for his birthday, since he's gotten particularly hard to buy for lately. Once again - my sister didn't appear to have gotten him anything, a card, a present, or a cake. Which is incredibly sad. But the kids appear to be coping with it. We went to an arcade, and had some delicious food at Frankie and Benny's, and he had a go on an expensive trampoline. And my mum had bought and sent up a cake. So not a bad day all in all.

So yeah. It's all go. It's nice, though. I also have plenty of video games to play, which are super good. I just started a new playthrough in Fallout 4, to pick up some companions I missed the first time, and I got Legend of Heroes: Trails of Cold Steel, which is a lovely JRPG, with a slash pairing that almost writes itself. Given that it's a Japanese game and they have yaoi over there, I suspect maybe it does write itself. But it's pretty good either way. So yeah. My time is full. Possibly a little too full. But it's nice.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
Well. I asked my mum for a lift into town as she goes to pick up my YN from school, and she agreed, so I told her to tell me when she was leaving and now she has gone without me. Haven't been forgotten for a long while, if ever.

Also when I was trying to log in to LJ today, for a brief terrifying moment it said my username - which was perfectly spelled as far as I could see - wasn't recognised.

Some TMI for you all )

Also I went to kickboxing last night and spent a long time holding up very heavy pads for someone else to practise punches on, and now the ring and little fingers on my left hand are still trembling.

Computer games talk, some waffle about marketing and specs )

ETA: In the middle of writing this post, my mum remembered and came back to get me. So. That was nice.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
Ugh. I'm trying to work my way through a computer game at the moment. I've got about 3 new ones pre-ordered for this month that are probably going to be expensive (also you might not see me for a little while), and then I got hit with a £40 customs bill on Friday and spent £90 on winter work clothes on Saturday, so making a little money back where I can seems like a good idea. I finished the game in question on Sunday, but I figured I'd try to get a few of the 'easy' Trophies while I could (little achievements that don't help you beat the game, but they're fun to do. Sometimes). The game's a stealing game, and you can get a trophy for getting all the Loot Items and Special Loot in a single story mission. I picked the first one thinking it was the easiest. I missed 2 out of the 64. I killed every guard so I could take my time looking around and scoured every corner and completely used up my special ability that highlights loot items when you look around, and I still didn't get it. The Trophy is called Obsessive Compulsive, and I literally have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I still couldn't get every goddamn item, which they sometimes love to just hide around doors and places you would never look, for no reason, and ughhhhh. This is why I put the game down in the first place.

Should probably just get rid of the second one, but that also has some very very straightforward Trophies, like distracting 15 guards, so I will probably try to get those too. I don't know why, I don't have any online friends to show them off to, and I've never really bothered trying to get EVERY trophy for a game. It just niggles me when trophies are little and gettable, to just get them.

I once thought about starting a blog for video games. I was gonna call it OCG, and talk about what it was like to be a gamer with OCD, especially in our current culture of ENDLESS COLLECTIBLES. Also I would have talked about feminism and how female characters are dressed or not so much. It never came off though.

Had to cry off a shift at the Hospice today because of my period. I was going to wait and see how I felt - and I've been mostly fine all day - but I remembered that the main, paid receptionist leaves shortly after that particular shift starts, so if I couldn't make it the desk would be unmanned. So I thought it would be better to just not go and let them get reliable cover. I'm planning more and more to go on the pill when these tests about my spotting are done. This is annoying.

I bought my first Christmas gift on Friday, too. I'm a little ashamed of myself - I normally deliberately don't think about Christmas until after Bonfire Night, but. I saw something in a shop that would be perfect for mum, and I don't get that feeling from a gift very often, and it's better than going back in November and finding it sold out. So. I'm vaguely prepared. Also I know pretty much what I want for Christmas this year. So it should be an interesting one.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
Am not going to the video game convention.

I did my best, all the positive thinking I could muster. I got up this morning and packed and walked down to the train station with my mum and ON. I was in pain anyway because of kickboxing on Wednesday, but I could definitely feel the cramps kicking in, and I just thought "if it gets bad tomorrow, what am I going to do? I'll have to curl up in the first aid tent, trying not to throw up and waiting hours until my dad picks us up." It's almost always bad - I know it's coming. But even if it's not, I don't want to spend all day worrying, and being tense over that, which will probably make things worse anyway.

I'd floated the idea of maybe not coming to mum yesterday, when I got my period, but she didn't say anything else about it. She heard me hissing in pain and not really talking to them on the way down, but she didn't say anything about it. Her thing is basically not to give people an easy way out, in the hope they just go along with things she wants - I love her, but it's true. She was anxious anyway about taking my ON away when I was there, I knew she wouldn't want to do it alone. But when we got to the train station, I had to bring it up - it would be harder to do by the time we got to Birmingham New Street or somewhere. I just decided it wasn't worth it. If we had a hotel or something I could stay in, maybe, but we don't. It's going to hours of standing and walking and trying to pay attention to things when my mind will probably be on my womb. So I decided not to go. Mum just stayed quiet - I had to ask her to tell me it was okay, if I was feeling so rough. My ON said it was fine, but then started crying. I felt super bad. But what can I do? It was just terrible timing. Going on the pill and stopping my periods altogether is looking a little more attractive after this weekend though. Although it still feels a little drastic.

Anyway. So instead I came home, and then realised there was hardly any food in the house, because mum thought most of us would be out today and tomorrow. So I had to go out to buy some bread, and managed to get caught in a heavy shower that literally lasted the time it took me to walk to the shop. And my brand new light khaki trainers that I bought on Wednesday got soaked. Brilliant.

I'm feeling alright now, but I'm guessing that's a lot to do with the couple of power naps I took, curled up on my bed, and my constant access to a toilet, which helps with relieving any sort of pressure that builds up in your midsection. Can't imagine I'd be so great if I'd spent the last few hours on a train (or series of them). I hope mum and ON are okay though - just as the first train came, mum asked me 'how' to change trains. She doesn't do a lot of cross-country travel, and there weren't always long gaps between her connections. But hopefully it's fine.

I am pretty disappointed - even apart from my ON and mum, I wanted to go. It's a video game convention, and apparently they have a bunch of games that haven't been released yet that you can play on the expo floor, as well as a bunch of indie titles you can investigate. If I feel alright tomorrow, I might have a ride through with dad when he picks them up (mum didn't fancy getting the train back). If I feel really alright, I might try to sweet-talk him into going an hour early so I can hang out with mum and ON and have a little snoop around myself.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
If Sarah told Tony about Callum deliberately to get another violent nutjob on the case then I'm glad someone is taking up the role of David Platt right now.

In other news I just got my period - had a pretty tiring kickboxing class last night, and sort of expected that to kickstart it. Unfortunately I'm meant to be going to that video game convention with my mum and ON tomorrow. If things go how they have been for the past few months, that means I'm due for my worst, most painful day on Saturday, the day we're actually going. If not, I'll probably have my worst day tomorrow, when I'll be sat on a train hunched up over my midsection for a few hours. I'm genuinely wondering whether to go now. I'd thought if things were bad I could just stay in the hotel while mum and ON went to the actual show, till it was time to go home - but I can't because we're only staying one night, so we'll have to check out by 10am. Naproxen and paracetamol have been working for me lately at making the pain manageable, but I've never tried it on the worst day. And I kind of don't want to overuse the combination, in case my body just gets used to it like it seems to be doing with the prescribed medication. I do want to go - for myself now, not just my ON. But I don't want to just be fighting the urge to throw up or pass out all the time, or be unable to concentrate on anything because it hurts so much. Sigh.

Also I think I might have to get rid of my stupid phone and go back to the old one. I've just, JUST, managed to work out how to actually use my voicemail service - I somehow did it before, but I had no credit because the wifi was eating all my money, and apparently it costs me now just to pick up messages. But anyway, I keep getting notifications that I have messages, with no quick way of accessing them as soon as I turn my phone on. Today my phone claimed that I had one, definitely, from yesterday - I called my voicemail server, and it said I had 'no new messages'. So not only can I not do anything new on my phone, because I can't afford constant wifi, I can't do the old stuff I used to either, like receive messages. Texting's a nightmare too with the touchscreen, and I think I've successfully answered a call once, when I was holding the phone in my hand and expecting a call any minute. Otherwise the call's always gone off before I managed to unlock, and if people leave me a message I can't listen to it! That's if the phone's not dead, which it is constantly, because I don't use it enough to know when it needs charging - in which case leaving me a message is all people can do and I apparently can't listen to them. I think I'm just going to ask for my old phone back tonight.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
So now I can go on holiday. My mum told my sister yesterday that I'd said she could go in my place, and then my sister said actually she had an appointment with her drugs service on Monday, and she'd need to talk to them anyway because her methadone prescription was Thursday to Thursday, so if she couldn't get one for the full week she was away she couldn't go. She said something about trying to get in 'before the end of the week'. My mum saw her today and said she needed to make a decision, because it wasn't fair on me to not know if I was going or not (a conversation we had yesterday), and my sister said never mind, I could go. She apparently has a lot to do at home, and it's complicated, so she should really get on with it. My mum suspected my sister only asked to come because she was drunk and upset, and apparently she was right.

Except now I don't know again. I was on the fence about it, and only said I'd go to sort of give it a whirl, and try to build up some enthusiasm this week before going. And now this has thrown me for six, worrying about my sister and constantly going back and forth about whether I'll be here next week or not. Ugh. I still - I'll still feel bad for my YN if I don't go, basically. But I'm feeling completely indifferent to the actual holiday again. Would rather stay home and play on my PS Vita. And I just got my period yesterday (a week late, but better late than never), and I'll have to shave my legs if I want to go swimming, and - UGH.
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