girlofprey: (Default)
The mental health worker I spoke to on Sunday said she'd call me yesterday morning. She never called. Nobody called today either. She said it was to talk to me after a supervisory conversation with her boss - which I'm pretty sure is standard procedure - so a part of me's worried that they really are going to Social Services with some of the stuff I said about my sister, even though it turned out everything I talked about was stuff either my mum or the kids themselves had told someone about already. Or, that she and her supervisor are debating whether I can even have support, if what I'm going to be talking about is confidential information that they're not sure whether they share or not, for child protection purposes. But, for the most part, I just think it's so unprofessional and unhelpful and unsupportive. No-one's even called to tell me why the woman hasn't called. I'm going to call them back tomorrow and ask what's happening, but frankly - given that both times I've talked to them it's been on a terrible phone line where I could barely hear what they were saying - I'm not sure exactly how supportive this service is going to be even if I do get to talk to someone.

I had a terrible night last night. Partly stress, but partly just that I'm feeling really lonely at the moment. I don't really talk to anyone at work, I only talk to the same people in my family day in day out, and that tends to be quite fraught very often, and I don't socialise outside of work. I miss fandom. I don't make new friends super easily though, so I'm not really sure what the fix is for that problem.
girlofprey: (Default)
That feeling when they mention the water in Derry.

I've been aggravated this week. One of the morning women at my job is on holiday, and my boss couldn't find anyone to cover for her, so I worked from 10am till 7pm today, and will do so until the end of the week. I've been at work so long, it feels like Thursday, but it isn't. However, they've been super good about my breaks, so I get a lunch hour as well as my usual half an hour at 4 o'clock, and actually today was fine, and sort of super busy, and maybe that'll be good for me, taking my mind off things.

I don't know what it is, but somehow the takeover at work and the summer holidays seem to have culminated into some sort of perfect storm of constant activity. I'm spending way more time on the car park than usual, because the 30 redundancies the new company made pretty much as soon as they took over came into effect on Friday, and a bunch of people left, so we have way more empty spaces than we used to. And a lot of the people who are still at work are on holiday, both people with permanent spaces and people on the waiting list, so I am just hammering through the list way more than usual. Plus they're doing some sort of desk/floor move thing, so the Facilities team - which is 3 people - have been crazy busy all week, and then we had about 4 contractors in for various things in yesterday. Today my manager had to go to the Manchester office, but just before he did an executive assistant reminded him they were supposed to organise our meeting rooms for a Town Hall with the CEO, which is like a big meeting/presentation thing, so he had to leave the other 2 Facilities guys rushing to hastily set it up in the 15 minutes before it started. And then, while he was in Manchester, a crowd of teenagers came to the building, claiming to be from a Citizen's Service, and they - and the adult with them - said they had a meeting with our woman who does a lot of charity liaison stuff, but unfortunately she left the business on Friday. I ended up signing them all in to have a talk/tour with a woman from HR, but that meant we're now down to about 15 visitor's passes, because the visitor's book is nearly empty and the guy that orders the new one is on holiday till August 8th. Oh and some people showed up to clean out the ducting in the kitchen, and that stunk the whole place out for about 2 hours. Right around the corner from the Town Hall meetings.

So. Interesting times, at least.

I feel okay. Tired, but like I said, at least it was busy. We'll see if there's any cumulative effect over the next few days, but hopefully I'll make it to the weekend. And like I say, they do kind of need me at the moment. It's just really bad timing, given everything else that's been going on lately.

Also, I know it's a lot of pretentious wank, but sometimes you get to a point in a situation where you just can't feel anything about it anymore, and it's not because you're heartless, it's because you're heartbroken.

But I called my local mental health service yesterday, and I'm having a telephone assessment on Sunday to see about them giving me some further support, so we'll see how that goes. When I told my mum about that, she said "what do you think these people are going to be able to do for you?". And then we mildly argued about whether she got slightly upset the first time she found out I was seeking mental health support, when I had counselling back in University, and she said she felt like she didn't know why I couldn't just talk to her. Spoiler: she did say that.

Also I finished Trails of Cold Steel 2. You might think I finished it long ago, when I talked about the final fight, but no. After that fight some crazy shit happened, all sorts of unexpected revelations, and then suddenly it was 2 months later, in a different city, and I was playing as 2 people I'd never met before. And then we went back to the school, so our main characters could finish off their school year. Then some more weird stuff happened on the campus, and I discovered what the actual final fight was. It was considerably harder and more irritating than the other final fight. And the main character made it really clear beforehand that there was no point to it, they were basically just killing for fun. But I did it and I finished it, hurrah. It made the ending slightly sour for me. But now I can wait for the third game, and see what finally happens to all my lovelies. If indeed I make it through any of those final fights. It's still slightly sad though, because the new one won't be coming out on PS Vita, so this is the last time I'll play it on there. Not sure how much I'll enjoy the grinding on the PS4, when I have to play it at home. But we'll see.

There are many films I want to see coming out over the next four weeks. The one I'm most excited for is The Hitman's Bodyguard, and that's two weeks away. I hope it's good. But anyway. It's not a terrible problem to have, I guess, looking forward to something.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
Snapped at my mum like a jerk yesterday. I was running late to get my train and getting frustrated with myself. I apologised by text as soon as I could, and she was lovely about it, but still not a great thing to have done. I've been running around so much lately trying to do all the things I want to do, I ended up not really giving myself any time to think. Although I was also trying to avoid thinking, in case all the stuff I'm doing now made me too anxious, if I gave myself time to think about it.

I'm still worrying about how much time I've got, and work got a little frustrating this week. My main boss is on holiday, and I'm starting to get a few mixed messages about what I'm supposed to be doing. I've got a bunch of notes about all the stuff I'll be asked to do, but half of the information is outdated and wrong, and when I forget to do something, because I don't really recognise anyone, there's not really much of a way for me to chase it up and sort it out. I know it's probably fine, and to be expected in my first few weeks on a job, but it's still frustrating, and I get a little paranoid about how everyone thinks I'm doing. It's just weird when so much of your job is sitting around - when someone does ask you to do something or you do need to something and you don't get it right, it just feels really rubbish.

And I've been worrying about money lately. Which is sort of ridiculous, because I'm fine, and probably not going to run out any time soon. But I'm getting paid for the first time next week - yay! - and I had a lot of ideas about what I was going to do with my first paycheque. And they didn't really involve having to pay off all the stuff I'd already spent 'until I get paid'. To be honest, it's this PC build that's throwing me. When I first started it I figured I'd spend about £1000 on it, and I took that much out of my savings - but the list of parts I was getting always came to a bit more than that, and like I say I was spending stuff 'until I get paid' so I don't even have the full £1000 anymore - a lot of it was stuff I needed, like work clothes. But still. I've got a CPU and a case so far, but I know if I bought all the rest of the stuff on my list it would clear out my bank account right now. So I'm just sort of stuck at home, on a netbook that runs pretty slowly - including for things like googling and buying new computer parts - feeling like I should be getting on with buying parts so I can have a new computer but not really feeling like I can get on with it. And to be honest, my list doesn't even cover peripherals - little things like a screen and a keyboard. That's going to come to another couple of hundred at least. I'm thinking of asking my parents to get me a gaming mouse for Christmas. And again - I probably have the money, especially after I get paid, and whatever's going on with the tax credits. I guess I just...figured when I was started getting paid I'd feel more in control of my money. And I sort of don't. Every time I buy a takeaway, just because I feel like it, or I buy a new comic book to read at work, I feel completely out of control. And then I need to get a new train pass, this week, and as far as I can tell none of my options are really going to be any cheaper than just paying the fare every day, and Christmas is coming up, and arghfk. I need to sit down and really look at it, I guess. And I need to bite the bullet and just start buying computer parts. Especially when I get paid.

I always knew this was going to be the hardest part of going back to work. The part just after it's all fresh and new, and I can expect/give myself some leeway for things because I'm new to them, but before I get so used to it it's almost second nature. This was always the sort of time I used to really struggle with OCD and developing new rituals to feel okay about things. Right now I'm trying to resist that while also staying sort of organised.

Also, it could well be my hormones. I finally stopped bleeding this week, but in the end my period lasted three and a half weeks, so for all I know I'm due another one. Or maybe I'll have a nice long period of PMT for a bit. At least I did eventually stop bleeding though, so hopefully it's settling down a bit.

Life is hard.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
Yesterday I had a Jobseeker's appointment at 10am. I woke up at 9:23. Thankfully, it's only about a 20 minute walk from my house into town, so I jumped up, brushed my teeth, my hair, put on some clothes and whizzed out of the house. I made it to the Jobcentre for 10, then sat around waiting for my appointment. After fifteen minutes I was still waiting, and no-one looked like they were late with their appointments or in a rush or coming to see me any time soon. You're supposed to tell someone if you're waiting 15 minutes or more, so I double-checked my appointment time. And the appointment was actually for today. So I went home, and had some breakfast.

The reason I was probably so tired was because I decided to finally give myself a breast exam, which I haven't done in a few months. I never like to do them, because I get so wound up it ends up taking me a couple of hours, and I get so worried about checking everything that feels like a lump I usually end up hurting myself. I sort of need to get on it though, because I'm on the pill now, and the hormones will probably end up changing them a bit anyway, plus it slightly increases my chance of getting breast cancer. So I did one, rather than continuing to worry about the fact I hadn't done one in a while. It took me three and a half hours, and I hurt myself so much I was still getting really sharp pains the following morning. I get the feeling my technique is not the best.

Anyway. Overall, it has led to me feeling tired, still, today, and I had to get up for my actual Jobseeker's appointment this morning (which went fine). So now I don't know if I'm too tired for kickboxing tonight. I really ought to go, because I haven't been in over a month now, and I am planning to switch over to the Wakefield branch, so I need to at least call and tell my instructors about it. But I am tired, and it's sparring tonight, which is really high energy and involves keeping up with other people, and sometimes when I go and I am tired I start feeling really light-headed and like I'm about to pass out. Ugh. Maybe I will just call them. I'm definitely switching over though - I gave my notice in at the Hospice on Saturday. I'm going to miss it, but I just think I get more out of kickboxing (when I go regularly), moves on. My boss woman is coming in to see me on Saturday if she can, since she's away during my last weekend. So yeah. It's a shame, but I think it's for the best.

Other adventures I have had this week: my mum was working on Monday, so I decided to go out and get Chinese takeaway for dinner. I forgot that our Chinese takeaway isn't open on Mondays, so I had to walk in the complete opposite direction to get pizza. On the plus side: pizza. On the minus side: ughhhhladkjaslkd.

Emmerdale is the worst at the moment. I can't believe Robron.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
Got my ESA assessment in 45 minutes - 15:15 on the 15th - and the pain from my stomach cramps is starting to kick in. Already took a naproxen earlier so I can't take them. Might have to take some paracetamol. Don't know what they'd think to me trying to cancel it at this stage, or trying to cancel it at all without a doctor's note or something. If I go and am obviously in pain though, maybe she'll have sympathy. I still don't really know what I'm going to say. I haven't prepared in any way. Partly because I've just been thinking about video games and E3 this week, but still. I think the point is: do I feel ready to work? Yes. Do I feel ready to work a really soul-crushing job, if that's all that's available? I don't know. Do I feel ready to support myself by working? No, not really.

But it doesn't need to be that bad. I just realised yesterday when I picked up a new prescription that if I'm not on benefits anymore, I'll need to pay for prescriptions and dental work. Which is another reason to go on Jobseeker's, much as I don't like that idea. But the last time I was on it, just before I applied for ESA, I told the Jobcentre about my ESA and got put with a disability advisor, who was lovely, and there was a lot less pressure. I don't if that will still be available, after so many years under a Conservative government, but there are definitely disability workers available, because that's who I see for my ESA check-ins. And maybe they'll actually help me get the kind of job I want. So who knows?

I'm also meant to be having kickboxing later, but I don't know. I'm meant to be resting my foot, still, and kickboxing isn't really the way to go about it. But I've not been going for walks, also to rest it, and I was so out of shape during the session last week, I don't really want to let it slip. I said I'd go tonight, but that was only because gradings are this Saturday, and they wanted to discuss some changes about that with me. But I don't think I'm going to the grading - I think that would be a step too far, with the foot, and being out of shape at the moment, I don't even know how I'd do. The only thing is that the next set of gradings will probably be at the end of August - when I might be at the Insomnia festival with my parents and nephew. So I might be waiting a long time for my next chance to go up a belt. So there's just tonight. And now the pain from my period's kicking in, I think maybe it isn't such a good idea. It's just frustrating. To have things getting in the way of doing it, and never knowing if I'm not just making excuses.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
I've got this really awkward pain in the ball of my foot, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I get it sometimes because of wide arches or bunions or whatever, or because I'm a little heavy-footed when I walk. This time it flared up after kickboxing the other week, when I was on the balls of my feet for a long time. Although it might have had something to do with a long, long walk I took with my mum and YN a few weeks before that. Anyway - it was really hurting last week, to the point where I couldn't stay on the ball of my foot for too long, so I decided to give kickboxing a miss, thinking I probably wouldn't be able to do the moves anyway. I typed most of that last sentence with my eyes closed and only made one mistake, I'm amazing. Anyway, I figured it'd be fixed by this week, but whether it's because of the walks I take every day or just from the problem itself, it's not. I don't know whether to give kickboxing a miss again tonight - I can stay on the balls of my feet with a little less pain, but do a lot of that is probably going to make it flare up again, which won't help. It's annoying though, because the more lessons I miss the harder it is to get back into it. Well, it's not hard exactly, but the idea of a lot of the lessons is to build up my strength, and when I don't go I lose it again. But I'm not sure what to do about this foot thing. Mum says it's plantar fasciitis, which means I need to take anti-inflammatories, but it's not - I looked it up and plantar fasciitis is a pain in your heel, and apparently inflammation doesn't have much to do with it. For pain in the ball of the foot - and that is literally the only diagnosis I could find, 'pain in the ball of foot' - they say you can generally cure it with PRICE therapy. Which is Protection, Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevation. None of which sounds like kickboxing. So. I don't know. I'll probably skip tonight and see how it is in the next couple of days.

I'm also trying to fill in my disability questionnaire. It's due in by May 4th, and I got a strongly worded letter today telling me to send it back soon. The problem is, I don't really know what to say. I'm so much better than I used to be, even if I'm not really putting myself in a lot of stressful situations day-to-day anymore. But I feel like I could probably cope with those better. It's at the point where I feel like if I had the assessment and they found me unfit for work, I would feel like that was wrong. I might even feel a little insulted. But I'm not really relishing going back to work either, or having to depend on a job for money, especially given the state of the job market at the moment. So I still sort of want to go through the assessment process, rather than just cutting it dead. That probably sounds a little cheap, but whatever. But I don't really know what to say - I mean there are still problems, like if I'm particularly wound up one day, I find it hard to get to sleep, which sometimes means I sleep through an alarm or just find it hard to work the next day. But it's not enough to be unfit for work - like, even I feel that way. I guess it's just tough realising that this nice, supported part of my life is coming to end. They say to fill in your questionnaire thinking about yourself on your worst day, but I don't really have bad days anymore, aside from the occasional depressive blip, the last of which happened over a year ago. I'll think of something, it's just at the moment it feels like I'm either talking about my problems as if they're massive things, which they aren't anymore, or like I'm going to be talking them up to the point where I'm basically lying. Which doesn't interest me. Like I say, I'll think of something. If I skip kickboxing tonight I can fill it in tonight, I guess.

I'm also getting a little sick of the news channel for the Lets Players I watch. It's a nice source of video game and tech news, but oh my god - they do all their news stories like opinion pieces, so they can put their own spin on them, but ultimately they try to be so balanced - or avoid backlash - to the point where their opinion is basically nothing. I suppose it just brings home to me that I'm not much of a liberal, which seems to be the only option other than conservative in America. Socialist and proud. Also there's this girl on there, and I love her, but her constant attitude of choice-feminism, sex everywhere, 'there's nothing wrong with sexualisation!', is really starting to grate.

But on the plus side, my farm on Stardew Valley is looking pretty great. Sort of. On the minus side, the fic for Uncharted ended up being really disappointing. They didn't even do a fic around the canonical mind control scene very well. But, on the plus side, I'm about to make Haley in Stardew Valley really happy on her birthday. Which I've never done before. And any day now I might get a rabbit's foot. Which is awesome.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
Today I:

  • Finished up the last little bits of the Division I hadn't done, and went into the Dark Zone, which is the area where the toughest enemies are, where you and other players can see each other, and where you and other players can kill each other. I was a little nervous, because I play solo and the Division is mainly supposed to be a team game, so I figured everyone else would have a team and maybe I'd just get murdered repeatedly. But actually it was quite nice - I barely even saw any other players to begin with, and then some came along and saved my life (possibly by accident) when I was about to be killed by game baddies. The only 'Rogue Agents' (ones that have started killing other players) I saw were being hunted down by non-Rogue agents, and then I guess I killed some game baddies that were harassing another player? And they invited me to be on their team with them. So we went round killing enemies for a while. Still possibly a much better experience than I might have had if we'd had voice chat on and they were a guy and they knew I was a woman. But you never know - maybe not. It was nice though, anyway.

  • I got a letter through the post with a questionnaire for an ESA assessment.

    I knew it was coming, I guess - I'm a little surprised it's come now, as my advisor said they'd got my next assessment down for September, and she said they were usually pretty spot on with their dates these days. But then I have a month to fill it in, and then they need to process it, and decide if they want me to come in for an assessment (they generally do) - I seem to remember getting a questionnaire three months before I was due an assessment before. So it might only be a couple of months earlier than my advisor said, really. It's just a shock still to actually receive it, and remember I have to actually do that soon. But I did know it was coming - and I do feel a lot better than I used to. I was even thinking about getting a part-time job soon, or looking for some more volunteering - and I do feel a little dissatisfied sometimes with mostly just sitting in the house playing games all day. Maybe I'm ready to start looking for work. I'm not thrilled about possibly having to do the Jobseeker thing again, but...we'll see, I guess.

  • Oh, also I got my period. It was a full and exciting day.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
Today, after trying all week and having one appointment cancelled due to the doctor being sick, I finally, finally got an appointment with a female doctor. And I had a breast exam, because I'm never sure I'm doing it right, and I wanted to settle my mind that nothing's already wrong, so I could move forward with self-examinations. The doctor was lovely, and it turns out I've been doing it way too hard. Which I kind of guessed, since it usually hurts afterwards, but it's nice to have a model to move towards, rather than just vaguely feeling like I'm doing something wrong. I explained that a lot of it was about anxiety, and I knew there was probably nothing really wrong - it always awkward trying to explain to doctors how you're trying to balance your mental health problems/anxiety with actual health concerns. But she was lovely about it, and it's done now, hurrah!

On the other hand, I signed up to be involved in a beta for a game that's coming out this year. A beta is sort of an exclusive session in a game that's not ready to be released yet, so the developers can pick up any specific bugs that happen as people are playing, or see if certain things in the game are too hard or too easy. And I got accepted! To my first beta-test. But the session in question is only going to last 3 hours, and it's scheduled for tonight, when I'm already booked to go to the pantomime. Sadness.

On the other other hand, I received a statement yesterday for my old Post Office account. My parents opened it for me when I was a kid, and I never use it anymore, and there's just about £80 sitting in it. So I'm going to close it down and just have that money. Free £80, yay!
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
So I found this poem:

My own heart let me have more pity on

My own heart let me have more pity on; let
Me live to my sad self hereafter kind,
Charitable; not live this tormented mind
With this tormented mind tormenting yet.
I cast for comfort I can no more get
By groping round my comfortless, than blind
Eyes in their dark can day or thirst can find
Thirst's all-in-all in all a world of wet.
Soul, self; come, poor Jackself, I do advise
You, jaded, let be; call off thoughts awhile
Elsewhere; leave comfort root-room; let joy size
At God knows when to God knows what: whose smile
's not wrung, see you: unforeseen times rather---as skies
Betweenpie mountains---lights a lovely mile.

By Gerard Manley Hopkins.

I love Gerard Manley Hopkins, but man, his writing is dense. I'm pretty sure he had depression though. Especially judging from another poem of his. Still, it's lovely though.
girlofprey: (Werewolves Fever of (Twilight))
God it's hot. It's so hot I feel like I'm on holiday. Everything I do feels more carefree, and exhausting.

I went to the doctors again yesterday to discuss my new medication. It's going well, and I'm planning to continue on with it. It's slightly to a pain to have to remember to take it every morning, but it sure is nice to just not get so wound up all the time - so I don't then get wound up about getting wound up. And my dry mouth symptom feels way better - either I learned to drink water, or it's just sort of settled down.

I went to see Mad Max again yesterday. I think it's even better the second time around, when you're not just overwhelmed with the crash-bang-awesome on screen, and you can appreciate where every character's coming from from the start. Also I have seen posts on Tumblr claiming that two of the wives are a couple, you can see them kissing in the background of one scene, and I didn't see that but having seen their interactions again through that lens IT MAKES TOTAL SENSE, AND I LOVE IT.

I also saw Jurassic World a few weeks ago, and probably forgot to mention it. ::Raptor scream:: It was stupid, but it was fun. The I-Rex was a great monster, and I <3 her forever.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
I started taking anti-anxiety medication about week ago, after deciding I'd rather not be hypochondriac all the time. Things have been going well really, but I think I may have discovered a side effect. I was having some abdomen sort of pains also a few weeks ago - it was one of the things I was worrying about - and pretty much the day I got the pills I remembered sometimes that happened when I wasn't drinking enough water. So I tried drinking more, and felt better. But then I seemed to be thirsty all the time. Every time I went to the tap I'd just down a glass of water straight off and then take another with me wherever else I was going in the house. My throat was dry all the time, and for a while I was worried I might have diabetes (ha ha ha). Then my mum pointed out 'dry mouth' was probably one of the side effects of the pills.

Here's the thing - it's pretty bad. I've been sleeping pretty badly for the last week, just never managing to get more than a few hours before I wake up again, and pretty much every time I do I have a dry, scratchy throat. When I bother to get up and get a drink, I tend to fall asleep again pretty soon afterwards. I can't actually tell if it's waking me up - it's not painful exactly, so it's a little hard to believe it would bother me that much. But the dry mouth and the bad sleeping have sort of come hand in hand, so that's pretty difficult to ignore. Which is a shame, because otherwise I think the medication's really working out for me, but if it's messing up my sleep I don't know if it's much of a goer. I still sleep a bit, and I'm not exhausted all the time or anything, but it's not very pleasant and it makes going to bed a bit stressful. So hmm.

Could be something else of course. The mornings are starting pretty early these days and my curtains are still paper-thin. I'm trying to get blackout blinds, but I had a bit of a "we have some!"/"no we don't" rigmarole with my mum. Also I wrote a fic that might have accidentally turned out to be a WIP - the prompt was a scenario, which I wrote, and then the aftermath, which I didn't get around to (although the plotbunnies for it were numerous). That might be playing on my mind a little bit. I don't know. I'm probably going to discuss it with the doctor when I see him again next week. It's annoying that some of the side-effects of anti-anxiety medications seem to be 'increased anxiety'.

In other news, I bought a Wii U this week. It's very shiny. The only problem with it is that it runs off an HDMI cable, like my PS4, and my TV only has one input for it. So every time I want to switch between them I have to mess about with the back of the TV, trying not to put the plug in the wrong way round or knock the TV out of position, because that makes my eyes go funny when I try to play games on it afterwards. Also I rescued two baby birds today. At least I hope I rescued them, and didn't just make things worse. They seemed to have hopped the wall of a local church into a road, where they were huddled by a wall. I had to gather them up and drop them back over the side. THEY WERE HELLA SWEET THOUGH.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
Got a doctor's appointment in about an hour - BEFORE my test tomorrow. It was supposed to be about my medication for menstrual cramps, partly about the fact I still have one day a month where I can't do anything, partly about the fact that one of the side effects is depression and I don't really need anymore of that. But my mum's insisting I could still take paracetamol and ibuprofen alongside my medication, and I was pretty sure depression wasn't a side effect for my last medication (before they changed it), but I finally dug out an old box and its little leaflet last night and it sure is. Along with hallucinations, which I thankfully never had. So I probably have less of a leg to stand on than I think.

My mum says I should also discuss the test tomorrow and why I'm having it, since the doctor I called said I'd probably need more than the one test. It's just so much to get into, and to explain it properly I'm going to have to say 'I have massive hypochondria and no longer know how serious any of the symptoms I'm having are', and you know how doctors look at you like it's just nothing most of the time. Feels like a big conversation to have. Still all worth discussing though, so I can give it a go. It just feels very complicated.

Then I have to go vote and have a bath at some point. But I cleared out some of my comic collection today, to make room for new comics I was stacking on the floor. Hooray.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
  • I am on my period and yesterday I was in so much pain, even with my pills, that I found it hard to stomach the idea of lunch until about 5 o'clock. I think I'm going to have to talk to my doctor or something about this, because even apart from all my mental health stuff, I can't imagine being able to work again and go through this every month. Like, I'm not sure what else I can do, I'm already on prescription medication so I don't know where else I can go except to something like codeine or a medically-induced coma every month. Neither of which would probably help me work. But feel like I need to ask something about it.

  • My volunteering place has gone off the radar again. I last volunteered a week last Tuesday, and I emailed them the next day to ask when I could come in again, since we didn't arrange it in-office. I suggested this Tuesday, but I got no reply, so I waited until Monday and then called three times and emailed again. No answer. I didn't go in and haven't heard anything from them. So. Hmm. All I can think is maybe they evaporated when I left them last. My CBT also finished last week, so I pretty much have no commitments at all right now. Which wasn't really where I wanted to be when I finished that stuff.

  • Speaking of my CBT, when I was in my last appointment my therapist recommended I re-refer myself to the service to have more therapy, since I still have some issues we didn't get around to working on and the waiting list in 9 months, so I may as well put my name down and see if I want it in 9 months. So I called them on Monday to do that, they said they'd call back to do an assessment on Wednesday. And then suddenly they started wigging out when I mentioned I'd only just finished a course of CBT last week. I had to be put on hold, then wait for a call from an actual therapist, then wait for a call from a supervisor, then wait for another call from the therapist again. In the end my referral's going through, I think, and they guy on the phone assured me I'd been 'very pragmatic'. They just didn't know how to encourage me to use the CBT stuff I'd learned to 'be my own therapist' when I was planning to come back, and they couldn't ask my therapist since he's off on leave. He did not make it sound like it would be this much trouble when we talked about it. So now I'm waiting a couple of weeks to apparently get a call from him when he gets back, to - as far as I can make out - talk about stuff we already talked about in my last session about relapse prevention and going forward and trying to use CBT on my own. So. Yeah.

  • The Conservatives want to further control what people on benefits do and how they spend their ill-gotten welfare money and are arseholes and I hate them

  • I once got so confused between the names 'Conservatives' and 'Tories' that I called them the 'Conservatories', and sometimes that's all I can think about when I talk about them.

  • In a move, or situation rather, that would probably infuriate the current government, I want to spend my money on all the things but I have to save it because a bunch of games I want to buy are coming out soon, hmph.
girlofprey: (Feel Like Harry Potter Before Hogwarts ()
Our Sky box is playing up, and we can't get it fixed without paying £40-£60 for an engineer callout. So my dad is planning to cancel Sky altogether and just get Freeview, for £7 a month instead of £67. It's a pretty good deal, obviously, but mostly I'm annoyed because I was getting into The Secret Circle, and it's only available on Sky Living. It's not on any other channel, or any On Demand service, and they never put out DVDs and it isn't on Netflix. I can't even find terrible knock-off DVDs on ebay. I've never missed Megaupload so keenly as I do in this moment.

I mean, the show's kind of bad in a lot of ways and I'm mostly in it for Sad Roy Earle and to see how they changed it from the books. But. I LOVED IT.

So. That's annoying.

Also I found out that the hardest part about writing a long-ass fic in a faux-historical universe in when you realise you don't know shit about designing medieval crowns.

I'm going volunteering tomorrow, for the first time since that time they all disappeared. Hopefully they'll be there tomorrow. Who knows?

And the no handwashing homework is going better than I thought it would while also being pretty damn difficult. But oh well.

It's the end of June. Half the year is over with. I honestly cannot believe that.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
I got to the farm trip today and it was all fine. Well, it was stressful, but it turned out all fine. And I got my mum and birthday present and card in time for her birthday, hurrah. But now I'm exhausted and don't feel like doing anything, but also don't feel like going to bed early tonight. Hmm.

I'm also hitting the upper limit of my 'no hands washing' homework right now. After the farm visit today and all the stress of getting there this morning, I have only one hand-washing opportunity left to me today, and I'm saving it for brushing my teeth tonight. Hence I have already been to the bathroom twice this evening without washing my hands afterwards. That's not so fun. Tomorrow I have to do exposure therapy and do basically the same thing all night. Which I am EXTREMELY LOOKING FORWARD TO. Although to be fair, I don't if I'm feeling so bad right now mostly because of that or the being so tired thing.

In other news, I had pots of money at the beginning of the week, and then I booked for a con, found myself in a shop which had a range of bras in my size so I bought £50 worth, and now LJ is telling me my account expires soon, no, why?
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
Coronation Street )

This week is getting super-busy. I'm seeing my service worker tomorrow, my CBT guy on Friday, and we're going on a playgroup trip with my nephew to a local farm centre on Thursday. Although mum's not sure if we'll make it, since she has to take my MN to school and that will probably take us past the time we've been asked to be there for the coaches. But we're supposed to be going. It's also my mum's birthday on Thursday, and I don't have a present or even card for her yet. I'd like to go to Leeds, but there's only really Wednesday to do it now, unless I go after my service worker thing tomorrow. Also we're meant to be going out for a meal on Wednesday, because my mum got emailed a voucher for it since the restaurant somehow knew it was her birthday. And there's two films out I want to see, that probably won't have as many showings next week. Phew.

Also I have some CBT homework that's a little stressful. I've got to keep a note of how many times a day I wash my hands, and not go over a maximum number of times that decreases every day. It's actually alright so far, there's plenty of things I just don't need to wash my hands for that I do most of the time, and the maximum number's coming down gradually. But it's going to get to a point where I don't have many times at all - eventually, I'm meant to get down to only twice per day, and then zero. Just for one day, but still. I know CBT needs to be drastic, because anxiety is drastic, but still. I'm not looking forward to it.

In the meantime I have been playing a new game called Thief. I am not as crazy into it as I was with Borderlands 2. I chose it specifically because I didn't think I would be. Mostly it makes me laugh with how exactly like Dishonored it is, except without the stupid Karma system, which I think is a plus. Also how every game-maker out there setting things in pseudo-London seems to think the industrial revolution and the Plague happened at the same time. But also with steampunk! And magic! But no people with British accents though. That would just be going Too Far.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
I'm not enjoying this week. Which is a shame, because it's barely started.

It's my birthday week too, although I suspect that may be part of the problem. I also have a Jobcentre appointment on Wednesday, a few hours before I normally wake up, and I have an appointment with a service worker dude two hours later, so it's like - if the Jobcentre appointment is weirdly long, which would be dreadful, it might clash, and if not I have to kill time doing nothing before I kill time doing nothing with my service worker dude. But it's the only time he was free, so. Maybe he'd be happy to come to Leeds with me. That's mostly what I want to do on Wednesday.

And then last week I suddenly started CBT therapy, getting a letter a few days before my first appointment. And the man I'm seeing seems super nice, but he's given me this homework which I seem to get every time I have CBT, which is an 'anxiety diary' to fill in, of situations that make me anxious, how I felt about them, what happened to me physically, a different response I could have to it (??), what I did, and how I felt about it later. And I never know how to deal with them, because if I fill it in for every ritual I have, I will literally just be doing rituals and filling in the diary, and probably coming up with rituals for how to fill in the diary. Which this week especially is not really a possibility. It was right at the end of the appointment when he mentioned it and we didn't have time to discuss it, so I don't know if I am meant to fill it in every day, or just one day, or just for every major situation that makes me upset. I haven't been doing it, essentially. I probably will fill in a few entries over the next couple of days. But ???? I'm sure it's really useful, and useful for examining your responses to things, hence why I'm apprehensive about doing it, but uuh. I just never know what to do with them.

And then in between that there is my birthday, and I'll be 29, which is lovely, but nearly 30. But it'll still be my birthday, and I'll feel like I should be enjoying it, but I probably won't, purely because I'll feel like I should. Also we'll be having my YN down. Because we're not going to go upsetting the regular routine for it or anything. We went out to a special different restaurant for Sunday lunch yesterday essentially for my birthday, we would have gone this weekend but it's Mother's Day so who needs that. But mostly my parents seemed to be making some subtle comments about how they didn't really want to, like my dad saying it seemed like a really long way to drive, which is funny because he used to drive all over the country, and my mum saying they have the same chefs as over the road, so we may as well have just gone there like usual. That was a whinge, but I wish they hadn't. It was really nice though. They had parsnips.

Also I have to remember to buy a Mother's Day card.

And the present I have asked for is a PS4 which I'm going halves with them on. Which I've wanted for a while, and will become necessary soon if I want to keep playing console games, but I'm still not finished with my PS3 or its games, and having them both hooked up to the same TV is probably going to be a hassle. I can't have them both hooked up, essentially, because the little TV in the other bedroom only has enough connections for one, and there aren't enough plug sockets in the wall either. Nor enough room to have a bunch of plugs lying loose all over the place because of all the kids toys they don't play with.

Also I have started my period. That might be a lot to do with things. My head feels high and tight.

I was meant to go observe a kickboxing class tonight, in the hopes of going to it soon, but I didn't, I'll leave it till next week. Also I keep waking up at 9am for some reason, when my alarm's not set till 12, and I can't get back to sleep, which isn't helping me not feel tired.

I need to start getting into more fandoms where the bad guys are just jerks, and not actual monsters, because I keep thinking up plotbunnies and then thinking 'Wait. That wouldn't be fun for anyone.' You would think the Legion from Fallout: New Vegas would be a great example, because they're idiots who are trying to be actual ancient Romans and wear feathers on their heads, but unfortunately they're also [trigger warning for rape] [spoilers].

And Kevin's back in Coronation Street, so I have to keep avoiding looking at his face, especially when he talks about how great it is to be back and other people welcome him home with big smiles on their faces. Also they have him living with Jack in a house with Tyrone, who spent the first 6 months or so of the baby's life raising him IN THE SAME HOUSE as his own, what the fuck?

But I love:

  • Maria talking to Kirk.

  • Maria on a counter.

  • David being nice to Roy about sandwiches.

  • Maria, Carla and Julie as witches, CAN YOU IMAGINE JULIE AS A WITCH? She would just make flowers grow and mend holes in people's clothes, and give them outfits so they COULD go to the ball. Also she would get to live with Carla and Maria and their babies, and help them raise their babies, and she would be so happy, oh my god.

I wish Ross Barton from Emmerdale would throw himself in front of a car to save a child again, or have another conversation with his dad where he sounds uncharacteristically upset or anxious. Moira is going to do some matchmaking between Chas and James this week, and for a minute I thought the episode description said Ross and James. That was probably tired wishful thinking on my part. But. Someone should do some matchmaking between them. Loving family matchmaking.

Not enough people write fic about Dane Vogel, or even remember he existed, it's the bane of my life.

girlofprey: (Christmas Whale)
Well, what an interesting week I've had.

I think in my last post I mentioned my MN was on the points of being expelled from school. Well, last Wednesday he was excluded until after the weekend. Something happened in class, I can't remember what, but he responded by having a tantrum, flinging things around the classroom, and ripping other children's work down off the wall and tearing it up. The teachers took pictures to prove what was happening should it come to that. He went back on Monday, and had to be brought home again that afternoon, but since then he's been okay apparently. My sister's had to finally make an appointment with the doctor for him though, with a possibility he's going to have to be assessed by CAMHS (child mental health services).

Meanwhile, after months of trying to get my ON into my MN's school, so they can go to the same one and only need to be taken across the street, my sister found out this week that one of her old friends from her old neighbourhood just moved near to where she lives, and their child of the same age just got in, with "one place left". So no-one's happy.

And then I had - well, on Sunday my parents and I went to a pub near our house for Sunday lunch, which we do about once a month. And you know how it is, you eat a lot, but I don't think I ate more than usual. And then on Monday I had an appointment with a replacement worker for the service I'm with at the moment, since my usual guy was on holiday, so instead of going and having a drink and a chat we ended up going to the library and hunching over a single library computer while the guy sort of got a bit pushy about what I was going to do next. I mean, I am moving slowly so fair enough, but I want to start kickboxing, and my usual worker used to be some sort of martial arts champion, and he said he was going to tell me about the instructors in the area. So I don't see the point of wasting a resource like that, or booking anything before hearing from him? I don't know. But anyway, it was physically uncomfortable and slightly more stressful than usual for two hours. And as I was walking home my chest was physically hurting whenever I breathed and my abdomen was aching for no apparent reason, and for the next couple of days I could barely eat anything without some sort of physical pain. I skipped a couple of meals altogether. And then my spine got involved, aching like crazy whenever I sat too straight or tried to lie on my back whenever I, I don't know, tried to get some sleep.

My mum said it sounded like a muscle thing - I feel like I somehow strained my entire digestive tract and chest. But even she was surprised by how long it lasted. I'm still feeling it a little bit now. I have to say, as stupid as it sounds, I suspect my sudden passion for I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here had something to do with it. Apart from anything, two to two-and-a-half hours for the show and the aftershow is just a hard thing to fit into your routine, especially when like to be quite set in your routine like me. But I also got pretty wound up hating the people who were picking on one of the girls, and then having to admit to all of that girl's flaws as well. For the record, most of the people getting at her have gone and she's shown herself to be pretty selfish, which I sort of always thought. So it's all gone a bit blah. But yeah. Mum says tension, as in tensing up because you're in pain, is one of the main things that keeps muscle strain going, and I suspect I was tense because of IAC. I could literally feel the pain coming back when I thought about it, and going away when I stopped. So yeah. This is why I don't like watching reality tv shows. Because they tend to be either boring, or quite emotionally full-on in what is probably quite a manipulative way. But anyway. It's a good example of how stress can cause physical problems, I guess.

So that was my week. Problems with my nephews, physical pain and I'm A Celebrity. We did go to Nostell Priory at the weekend though, me, mum, dad and my ON. It was all done up for Christmas, and it did end up making me feel quite festive, finally. The only annoying thing was that they had Christmas carollers, which made me want to sing along, but it was still November and I don't like to sing them before December. It was Temptation Incarnate. But I did get a pair of new gloves in the shop, and because they were the last pair left and were a bit marked because they'd been on display, I got 20% off. Result.

This week, I've got another meeting with my regular service worker (I think) and an appointment with the Jobcentre about my Work-Related Activity. I'm going to ask about the 18 months thing on my appeal statement, but some people have said it's probably from the original assessment and some people have said it's probably from the Tribunal, so I don't know what to think. I'll just have to ask. I should probably do some Christmas shopping as well at some point. And it's my YN's birthday on Thursday. Happily I already bought him a present months ago - the day of my Tribunal, in fact - so that's all sorted. Bar the wrapping, I guess. Hmm. But mostly it should be all in hand. I also got a call back from the local mental health services this week about being referred for CBT, but as I suspected I'm going to have to wait about 2 or 3 months for it. But at least it's moving along, I guess.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
Things I have done yesterday and today:

  • Went to Leeds, bought gold boots.

  • Also bought back issues of the comics I've been reading lately, where I could.

  • Bought Halloween chocolate from Hotel Chocolat.

  • Reorganised my CD collection into my new handmade CD unit. I have a lot of CDs.

  • Got up at 9.30am this morning, well before I usually do, to await for delivery of gold boots (Doc Martens) because they didn't have the size I needed in Leeds so I had to have them delivered, and I forgot mum was working a night shift last night and would want to sleep in this morning.

  • Argued with mum about whether I should or shouldn't have gotten a size 7 in the gold boots - my feet are a 5 1/2 and a 6 respectively, and I normally get a 6, but yesterday when I tried on the size 6's they hurt me even when I was sitting down doing nothing. I'm pretty sure going a size bigger with Doc Martens is the done thing. Especially if your usual size hurt even when you're sitting down.

  • Listened to my mum about the horrendous night shift she had last night. Dude.

  • Met my service worker in town for a few hours. By coincidence, he also bought a pair of Doc Martens recently, for the same price as mine, and he had to go a size up too. Vindication.

  • Got a call from the Employment Support Allowance people. I was worried, but then it turned out to be a courtesy call because I'd sent my sick note in a little late, and they were just letting me know my next payment was a bit delayed.

  • Got a call from my local mental health organisation, replying to the message I left on Friday, for a brief assessment of my case, and I am now on the waiting list for a full assessment in a few weeks.

I was planning to go see Thor 2 tomorrow, before the spoilers start pouring in. But now I think I'm going to do nothing.
girlofprey: (Futurama Mauled By Jesus)
Oh my God, I forgot. I forgot that when you have a cold and then it gets better, it doesn't actually get better, it just moves further down your throat. I spent most of last night not being able to sleep or breathe. Technically I spent most of today not being able to sleep (or breathe) either. Ughhhhh....

I finished most of the Deep Roads main quest on Dragon Age: Origins today. Spoilers, sort of )

My appeal hearing is next week. A week tomorrow, in fact. I called an ESA assistance charity earlier this week to see if they had any tips for me, and they suggested trying to get medical evidence. I have no idea what medical evidence I can really get, since I hardly ever see my doctor about my OCD, even for a medical note, and my counselling wasn't through the NHS. I have called my counselling service, to see if my old counsellor would write me a letter, only to be told that the receptionist 'didn't know of anyone there by that name' (??), but that someone could write me a letter just generally on behalf of the service. They said that person would call me back on Tuesday, but they didn't, so I called again yesterday, and they told me that that person - the only one who apparently has the authority to write this letter - was training this week, but might be back tomorrow. If they do call tomorrow, I'm not entirely sure what to say. If they're not my counsellor and can't talk to her they won't know about my problems, specifically, and I don't know if she kept notes, she never mentioned it. And the charity people said it would be better if the medical evidence could specifically address the questions they ask in the ESA assessment, and whether I would be able to manage with those problems. Which seems like a complicated thing to have to write with no personal knowledge of me, before next Friday. But there we go. I can't think of anything else to do other than to ask my GP to give a general run-down of OCD. And the doctor on the panel ought to know enough about that.

Partly it's my own fault, I know, for leaving it this late. I guess I thought I'd have more time between getting the court date and having to attend it. But I had months before that, and I left it. The charity people did say that I could ask the Tribunal to adjourn until I had more medical evidence, if I didn't know I was supposed to have it, but they do ask you to get any medical evidence you need in the tribunal papers. And I don't know if I could go to the court next week not knowing whether we were actually going to have the Tribunal, or adjourn it. So I don't know. I don't know how much of an option that is. I guess it depends what response I get from the counselling service and/or my GP, and how long it would take to get evidence from them. The charity people also said that the government keeps changing the parameters for being eligible for benefits, so someone who got them last year might not get them this year. So. There's that.

Blah blah blah blah blah. I'm so tired. And so ill. :(

At least if I don't get ESA awarded to me next week, I have enough money in the bank and in an ISA to be able to cope for a few weeks while I decide what to do next, and what I want to do. I don't really want to have to go back at Jobseeker's. Particularly not if they really are making some people be slave labour. But I might have to.
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