girlofprey: (Default)
I've been feeling so stressed lately. Just stuff going round and round in my head, like I want to write essays or something about it, but I don't. I couldn't sleep last night. And it's one of those things where I can't tell if me getting too anxious about that stuff, or if I'm anxious because of other stuff going on in my life, family stuff and that, and my anxiety's getting an outlet through worrying about other things. I've also been having weird cramping today and yesterday, so it could be pre-menstrual tension, but I just have no idea what my cycle is or what's going on with my body anymore.

My MN is coming around, and I've been thinking about saying something to him about perving on those girls, because I don't want to let him think it's okay. But we've just had some neighbours round, because we live in a residential cul-de-sac, and the lovely older couple who've lived down at the end since we moved in are having some sort of planning war with the guy who lives near them, and wants to stop them parking their cars where they always have so he can knock down a wall and have a driveway at the back of his house. Despite the fact he's completely block-paved the front of his house and has been selling multiple cars from it for years - which he's not supposed to do. So now I'm too tired to even try to have a discussion with my MN.

Video games make me happy. Most of the video games I really want to play are not coming out for a year or so. I tell a lie, some are coming out very soon, but they're not the ones I'm obsessing over because they're not the ones that are far away.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
My hypochondria is like "Surprise, motherfucker. Bet you thought you'd seen the last of me."
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
I'm all wound up about my sister's stupid phonecall now. I've been having conversations with her in my head all day. For fuck's sake. Then I started worrying about how her and her asshole-ish, sometimes abusive partner would be doing without the kids around to 'keep things civil' for - and then I started thinking "what if they have a big fight and she turns up here saying she's staying over for a few days, since the beds are free".

Hopefully she won't. She always seems to turn up whenever mum and dad are away on holiday - but I don't think she'd just turn up expecting to stay. Especially without calling mum or dad first. Unless she was drunk? But hopefully she and her partner are just staying out of each other's way, especially without the kids around to chase around after.

Anyway. Happier things. I cleared out the drawer under my bed full of books. I figured it was a good idea, if I wanted to take some books to the library soon - and I think I was a little afraid to do it, in case I decided I loved and had to keep ALL the books once I saw them again, and didn't get the space I was hoping for. So I decided to get on with it. And got rid of most of them. Some I kept, old books that mean a lot to me, one that I still would like to read some day. It was weird, because some I knew on seeing them that I had to keep them, some I knew I wanted to get rid of, and some I still felt very strongly about, but knew I could get rid of, because I needed the space. And I probably wasn't ever going to read them again. It's weird realising that you love some things but don't need them. Sort of liberating and sad all at once.

Anyway, after all that - I managed to get exactly TWO boxes in the drawer. These are like my Playstation boxes and polystyrene boxes for ornaments - things I might need again if I'm moving things or sending them for repairs or something. The PS4 box and the Wii U box fit into the drawer - alongside the little stack of books I was keeping - nothing else. But it gave me better access to the bedside table, and it turns out the PS3 box fit in the 'cupboard' part of that, and my laptop's box fit in the drawer. So much for using that for anything else. Then I managed to fit a few boxes inside each other, and presto! Almost a clear space next to my bed. It needs a hoover. Badly.

Then this evening I was drawing my curtains, and I've been meaning to take one down and adjust it for a while, because since I put the blackout blinds up it always seems to pull really hard on the outer ring when I close them, as though I made the blind too narrow, and it doesn't cover the side of the window so light gets in, which it doesn't with the other curtain. But! They're drawn now and it doesn't seem to be pulling as much, and I turned off my light and I think it's wrapping around the side and keeping the light out a bit better. It must have been getting caught on the boxes. So tidying my room has seen an instant improvement. Hurrah! Curtain adventures.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
I'm not enjoying this week. Which is a shame, because it's barely started.

It's my birthday week too, although I suspect that may be part of the problem. I also have a Jobcentre appointment on Wednesday, a few hours before I normally wake up, and I have an appointment with a service worker dude two hours later, so it's like - if the Jobcentre appointment is weirdly long, which would be dreadful, it might clash, and if not I have to kill time doing nothing before I kill time doing nothing with my service worker dude. But it's the only time he was free, so. Maybe he'd be happy to come to Leeds with me. That's mostly what I want to do on Wednesday.

And then last week I suddenly started CBT therapy, getting a letter a few days before my first appointment. And the man I'm seeing seems super nice, but he's given me this homework which I seem to get every time I have CBT, which is an 'anxiety diary' to fill in, of situations that make me anxious, how I felt about them, what happened to me physically, a different response I could have to it (??), what I did, and how I felt about it later. And I never know how to deal with them, because if I fill it in for every ritual I have, I will literally just be doing rituals and filling in the diary, and probably coming up with rituals for how to fill in the diary. Which this week especially is not really a possibility. It was right at the end of the appointment when he mentioned it and we didn't have time to discuss it, so I don't know if I am meant to fill it in every day, or just one day, or just for every major situation that makes me upset. I haven't been doing it, essentially. I probably will fill in a few entries over the next couple of days. But ???? I'm sure it's really useful, and useful for examining your responses to things, hence why I'm apprehensive about doing it, but uuh. I just never know what to do with them.

And then in between that there is my birthday, and I'll be 29, which is lovely, but nearly 30. But it'll still be my birthday, and I'll feel like I should be enjoying it, but I probably won't, purely because I'll feel like I should. Also we'll be having my YN down. Because we're not going to go upsetting the regular routine for it or anything. We went out to a special different restaurant for Sunday lunch yesterday essentially for my birthday, we would have gone this weekend but it's Mother's Day so who needs that. But mostly my parents seemed to be making some subtle comments about how they didn't really want to, like my dad saying it seemed like a really long way to drive, which is funny because he used to drive all over the country, and my mum saying they have the same chefs as over the road, so we may as well have just gone there like usual. That was a whinge, but I wish they hadn't. It was really nice though. They had parsnips.

Also I have to remember to buy a Mother's Day card.

And the present I have asked for is a PS4 which I'm going halves with them on. Which I've wanted for a while, and will become necessary soon if I want to keep playing console games, but I'm still not finished with my PS3 or its games, and having them both hooked up to the same TV is probably going to be a hassle. I can't have them both hooked up, essentially, because the little TV in the other bedroom only has enough connections for one, and there aren't enough plug sockets in the wall either. Nor enough room to have a bunch of plugs lying loose all over the place because of all the kids toys they don't play with.

Also I have started my period. That might be a lot to do with things. My head feels high and tight.

I was meant to go observe a kickboxing class tonight, in the hopes of going to it soon, but I didn't, I'll leave it till next week. Also I keep waking up at 9am for some reason, when my alarm's not set till 12, and I can't get back to sleep, which isn't helping me not feel tired.

I need to start getting into more fandoms where the bad guys are just jerks, and not actual monsters, because I keep thinking up plotbunnies and then thinking 'Wait. That wouldn't be fun for anyone.' You would think the Legion from Fallout: New Vegas would be a great example, because they're idiots who are trying to be actual ancient Romans and wear feathers on their heads, but unfortunately they're also [trigger warning for rape] [spoilers].

And Kevin's back in Coronation Street, so I have to keep avoiding looking at his face, especially when he talks about how great it is to be back and other people welcome him home with big smiles on their faces. Also they have him living with Jack in a house with Tyrone, who spent the first 6 months or so of the baby's life raising him IN THE SAME HOUSE as his own, what the fuck?

But I love:

  • Maria talking to Kirk.

  • Maria on a counter.

  • David being nice to Roy about sandwiches.

  • Maria, Carla and Julie as witches, CAN YOU IMAGINE JULIE AS A WITCH? She would just make flowers grow and mend holes in people's clothes, and give them outfits so they COULD go to the ball. Also she would get to live with Carla and Maria and their babies, and help them raise their babies, and she would be so happy, oh my god.

I wish Ross Barton from Emmerdale would throw himself in front of a car to save a child again, or have another conversation with his dad where he sounds uncharacteristically upset or anxious. Moira is going to do some matchmaking between Chas and James this week, and for a minute I thought the episode description said Ross and James. That was probably tired wishful thinking on my part. But. Someone should do some matchmaking between them. Loving family matchmaking.

Not enough people write fic about Dane Vogel, or even remember he existed, it's the bane of my life.

girlofprey: (R for raygun)
A lot of worrying about my ESA )

And I had a weird appointment with a service worker yesterday. My official worker is off for two weeks, so I'm seeing sort of 'interim' people, and yesterday it was a woman I'd never seen before. She was quite nice, but from the things she said she'd obviously had problems before and felt very proactive about being over them. I found her a little brusque, in places. Like I was explaining about my family again, because she didn't know my situation, and she was asking questions when I mentioned things and stuff, and then later she said she didn't know why I'd talked so much about them, and it wasn't always helpful dwelling on past problems. Then later she was commenting on the way my 'manner changed' when I'd spoken to mum about something, and how there are ways to say how you feel while still 'keeping your manners'. And I kind of get what she was saying and she was probably right about some things, but it was - very different from the style I'm used to. A little intense for two hours.

But then it also made me think about all the stuff I'd feel more comfortable saying to her than to my usual service worker, because he's a man. I mean he's perfectly nice and I don't feel threatened by him or anything, but there's still stuff I feel weird saying. Like about buying new bras and stuff. I talked to the woman yesterday about how I get depressed sometimes when I get PMT, just because of my hormones I think, and she suggested sage oil as a non-medical hormone balancer. I can't imagine having had that conversation with my current worker. It's sort of unusual for me to have a male worker because I've always generally had female ones, and I kind of wanted to have that experience. But I'm wondering now if I might really want to change to a female worker, just so I can talk about more things more comfortably. Hmph.
girlofprey: (R for raygun)
I am back from my holiday.

My holiday )

And I did have a plan to not do anything much today. But I ended up going to the doctor's to get a sick note, getting some toothpaste and Welcome To The Punch on DVD, and finished the night by catching up completely on Coronation Street with my parents. So. I have things to say about Coronation Street, but some of it is long, some of it is just about how beautiful David is, and some of it is just keysmashing, so I'll maybe leave it for another night. Oh, and also I came home to a letter yesterday saying that they'd set a date for my ESA hearing. 27th September. So I can look forward to that. Yay.

I hope you have all been great, I've sort of caught up on my flist, but not on everything. If there is anything vital you think I should know you should probably tell me now. Otherwise, hello.
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