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[personal profile] girlofprey
Well. Interesting week. On Wednesday, as soon as I got up and when downstairs, my mum looked at me, gave me a sad face, and said "more doom and gloom, I'm afraid". Apparently some guy from Anti-Social Behaviour had contacted her. He said he'd been on holiday, and when he got back he had 10 messages, and 5 of them were from my sister's neighbours. And he basically told my mum, because my sister doesn't own that house and they're her landlords, that she'd have to talk to my sister and get her to get the kids under control, or she'd have to evict her.

Later that morning, I was stressed out and thinking about my sister, and how they didn't need to be evicted, they just needed to get rid of her and get a new mother installed. Then, in between a bunch of thoughts of her many mentions of killing herself, a thought popped into my head about murdering her, and I felt no emotion towards it for a good few seconds. Later that night, a thought briefly popped into my head about killing myself, and I had no emotion towards it for a good few seconds.

So I decided it was probably time to actually see someone about all this, before I actually started going downhill. I called my doctor's again, just to check if the whole 'no pre-booking appointments' thing was just how it was now, or if it was to do with the summer holidays and stuff. It turns out it is to do with the summer holidays, but also when I explained that I didn't think I could do the whole getting up and seeing if I could get a same day appointment thing, the receptionist mentioned they have some appointments every other Saturday morning. She told me to call back on Friday, when some would be released, and I managed to call at 8am yesterday morning, when the appointments are released. The only one they had was for 9am today, but I figured better than waiting two weeks to be in basically the same position probably, so I took it.

Then last night I went to bed, after we got my MN down to sleep for no apparent reason, and my mum got all sad because my YN has been suspended from school for stabbing a girl in the neck with a pipe cleaner. No word really on whether he was particularly violent about it, but she was annoyed with the school for suspending him, but I think neither of us are teachers so what do we know? But anyway, I went to bed early, set my alarm for the appointment. Then we got a call at 1:30am from the kids' dad. Apparently my sister had been drinking with a friend of hers, who she had a massive drunken bust-up with a few months ago that got very nasty - my mum knew about this from my MN, so she said she was expecting a call really. But apparently this friend had called the kids' dad saying that my sister was talking about killing herself and the kids, and this friends, and she was throwing the kids about, and the police were going around there and the crisis team, and they were going to take the kids off her. And their dad asked us to call because 'he's not allowed to call the house'. And because he's a twat.

My mum called my sister's house - reluctantly - and a police officer answered the phone. He encouraged mum to go around and sit with my sister so they could leave, and 'if she wanted to support her daughter'. Because he's probably a twat as well. So mum and dad went off, I had to stay anyway because my MN was here, and I tried to go back to bed. The kids' dad then called back at 2:30am, to see if my mum was there, and to ask how the kids were, and if I could ask them to call him when they got back. Which, as my mum pointed out, is a bit rich given that he couldn't even be bothered to call the house himself.

Anyway. I eventually went to sleep. I woke up about 5am and could hear my dad snoring, so I figured things were somehow alright. I woke up at quarter to 8 with my alarm. Then the next time I opened my eyes it was ten to nine. But I got pretty pissed that she'd ruined this for me as well, this, when the whole reason I needed to go was her, so I decided to throw on some clothes and see if I could call a taxi. I managed to make it, a little late, but I made it, and I managed to talk to a doctor. And it was...well. Like I expected, there wasn't a huge amount he could do for me, but it was good to talk to someone about it, and just to let them know I was struggling. He said he could up my dose of sertraline, but he wouldn't recommend that since it's just really treating the symptoms. He gave me a referral to our local mental health service, which I've been to before, but he said they do do over-the-phone and online sessions, if time was going to be a problem now I'm working. And he mostly said that I needed to draw a line between helping and not helping, and just step away from the situation, step away from helping and not go back over it, and to know that that wasn't cruel, that it's just looking after myself.

I came back home shortly afterwards - treated myself to a cafe breakfast - and spoke to my mum. Apparently last night the police were there when they got there, and my sister was drunk as fuck, but the police had only called the crisis team and were just 'waiting for a call back'. Which I don't think ever happened. My sister said when the police came around she was asleep in bed, with my YN. So it sounds like a lot of it was just her friend being a nutbar, which is what happened before. But who knows how much of what the friend said she said is true. It's not like she hasn't said stuff like that before. But saying it, saying she feels that way, and actually planning to do it are two different things. Apparently she picked up a knife at one point while the police were there. But my mum thought it was more of a 'what, what do you think I'm going to do?' kind of thing than anything. Idk. My YN slept through it, apparently, and my MN was here and never woke up, so it was just my ON who heard any of it and knew something had happened. Which is sad for him. But my parents said - after he went back upstairs to bed - they sat in the conservatory, not talking to her, while she rooted through the room looking for something. Then she came into them, crying, and said she was sorry, and that she had a pasta salad, she had her e-cigarette, and she had her phone, and then she went to bed. And eventually my parents just left.

So I don't know. I am just going to have to step back from it. And try not to listen to it all, and try not to think about it and try not to feel much about it. Which is awful, because that's what makes me feel like a terrible person, knowing about all this stuff and not feeling anything about it, like I don't care. But I can't keep doing this, it's too much, and there's nothing I can do about it, and there's no point me just feeling bad about it if all it's going to make me do is feel bad, and get ill. I'm just going to have to take a step back. It's going to be hard when this house is so often involved and it's going to be going on around me, but there's not much else I can really do. Like my doctor says, it's all I can really do if I want to keep on an even keel.

I went to see Spiderman again today, because Michael Keaton is amazing. I still spent a lot of it wishing someone would slit Tony Stark's throat, but the bits with Adrian Toomes were amazing.
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